Narcissistic SIL and the unwitting flying monkeys

[Purplethursdays123]

I’ve been with DH for a long time and for most of it was picked on by his sister. She is charming and had her parents in the palm of her hands. It was the only thing my DH and I seriously argued about as I’d feel so negative whenever I had to see her and the rest of them were used to her moods, manipulation and abuse. Finally about 5/6 years ago it caused an argument so bad I decided enough was enough and sent her a letter saying either treat me with respect, or leave me the hell alone. She went for the latter. I’ve always told her family it’s between me and her and I will not ask anyone else to be involved, including DH. This infuriated her as her parents were her unrelenting allies in everything else.

We still argued about her in this period as my husband was defensive about her being his younger sister and everything, and the family are close. I’ve realised in recent years she is a covert narcissist and is evil, mean-spirited and abusive to her elderly parents, with whom she lives. My DH has finally seen the light and now knows why I have never been encouraging with him being best mates with her. I’ve never stopped him, I just always knew it was pointless as she’s a horrible person. If I listed the things she has done, and continues to do, you would see she is the devil incarnate (whilst staying on the side of the law). But all this stuff is at home to her vulnerable parents so no one else sees.

Fast forward to now it seems as though even though he was still open to having a relationship with her, she now paints him as the villain of the piece. She does not respond to him when he sends her very patient important messages, but tells aunts and uncles, and his wider circle of family friends, that he picks on and bullies her. They are now circling and telling him he should do everything he can to have a relationship with her, unaware that he has not done anything wrong, and the estrangement is all her being furious that I set down boundaries.

He is not happy with all the misinformation, but unwilling to set the record straight or get involved, but I hate injustice. I’m sure his friends in particular, who’ve known her a lot longer, must think I’m the problem is me and her falling out is when this all started.

Is he right? I just think these people are well intentioned and are unaware that they’ve been recruited as flying monkeys!

Infuriating for you, standing on the side lines and watching your DH being picked apart by lies created by his sister and I'd know I'd want to tell those relations of theirs exactly what was going on. But you can't. It's not your circus; it's your DH's and he will have to deal with it as he sees fit.

But surely sil's family can also be ignored?

No it sounds like a typical narcissistic golden child scenario.
OP the only way to deal with it is to just ignore everyone and forget trying to be seen as the "good guy" . It will never happen and you will tie yourself in knots over it.
You need to support your DH in whatever he decides to do but stay well out of it and don't feel any pressure to have a relationship with any of his family if you don't want to

No really sure what children or my wider family have to do with this.

Hoppinggreen Yes that’s what he says. It’s just his wider family who are drawn in by SIL and are actually angry at the way my DH is treating her…

He honestly does not want to bother to get involved in the whole ‘he said she said’ and set the record straight, he just tries to ignore it. He’s a lot more grown up about it than me, but he’s had it all his life in different ways. Manipulation I mean, her causing drama and stress for their parents for 40 years. They enabled her because she manipulated them, and by the time it was ingrained there wasnt much to be done.

I do love him, yes, and in a way I’m glad I didn’t know as I would have thought twice about marrying him if I’d known the pain it would cause me.

Not sure about year 8 stuff, not much that’s juvenile about the distress caused by narcissistic family members and elder abuse.

He needs to stop contacting her personally, but all of them in a family WhatsApp chat. No other methods of communication entered into. Problem solved.

You have already negotiated your position with your SIL and it sounds like you did this successfully.

As for your dh’s relationship with his sister, I would stay out of it regardless of your strong opinions on the matter. Just support your dp to follow his own path, whatever that is.

In what way would understanding my family have to do with this situation? This isn’t my family, this is DH’s. Genuinely confused unless someone is looking for a reason to blame me for this?

I’ve had some very helpful advice, thank you.

Not looking to overshare or delve deeper. There are no agendas here, I have only recently heard the term flying monkeys and from what I’ve read they were similarly minded people to the narcs they serve, whereas in this scenario they are well-intentioned and seriously believe that this is a blip in a sibling relationship that can be resolved. I’m sure my husband believes that on some level too as he’s not into this sort of analysis thing.

What causes all the relies by someone to be deleted? Anyone know?

*replies

What is your question ?
As your h doesn’t want to explain his side of the story, there’s very little that he can do apart from reconsider how much contact he has with the aunts and uncles etc as well as his own parents and sister. It sounds like he isn’t ready to reconsider contact with his parents and sister.

He’s probably not rectifying the lies because he doesn’t want to inflame things and have to face more calls. Think about it - dh tells his side, relative calls sister who denies and makes new allegations, relative calls back with the new info… It sounds like your h is still hoping for reconciliation and unwilling to accept how dysfunctional his family is.

You’ve answered it, thank you.

Why do replies get deleted?

Extra aggressive replies (Mumsnet does tolerate a lot of aggression mind you, but there are red lines .. eventually)

Some previously banned posters keep re-registering and posting unpleasant replies just for kicks.

Racist stuff.

Good luck @Purplethursdays123 Charming, sly, malicious people like your SiL are much too effective at what they do.

I know it's hard, but narcs (genuine narcs) FEED on drama. It gives them the opportunity to position themselves front and centre as the victim. You have to treat her as you would a tantrumming toddler and ignore it. If the family involved themselves, you say 'I appreciate your concern very much, thank you', and change the subject. If they persist, ignoring the hint, you say 'This is between us, and I'd really rather we keep it that way. Can we talk about something more pleasant? Tell me all about your holiday plans for next year!'

Nothing will frustrate her more than knowing that her attempts to circumvent your boundaries by using other people have failed. This is a trust the process situation. When she loses narc supply from you and your husband, she will seek to find it elsewhere, probably within the family. You have to let people learn about her for themselves because they will never believe a word you say anyway. Covert narcs are charming pillars of the community, and often the family darlings. Butter wouldn't melt and they can do no wrong. If you relay the things she's done, people will find them so outlandish and out of character for the version of her they have come to know, they'll refuse to believe it.

In my experience its better to sit back and let these things play out. People believe what they want to believe. If they want to believe the lies about your husband or yourself they will, if they don't they won't and nothing you or your husband say will change their minds. However, mark my words, the truth always comes to light eventually and the SIL will do the same to others as she has done to you and now to your husband. It's a pattern they will continue to repeat until they decide to work on themselves.