Adult Friendship Issues

[Yorey]

Name changed as this may be outing. Long story short, a Mum friend I was really close to really disappointed me last year. She basically made it clear she doesn’t really like my daughter or my husband and whilst I tried to continue the friendship, in the end I couldn’t get past it. This coincided with some wider family problems and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression so I withdrew from the friendship group.
at one point she asked if I was avoiding her and I said I was just really struggling in general - which was true. Since then she’s been very off with me and whilst I’ve occasionally checked in on her if I’ve seen anything going on, she’s never reciprocated. We spoke again quite normally at a recent event that I was helping her with and then nothing at all since.
My question is, why is the situation still making me feel bad when I made the choice to withdraw? I’m having treatment for my anxiety and depression but this is still a big trigger that I just can’t get past. I keep going over it and I know it’s a lot to do with the fact that I’ve always wanted a close friendship like we had and now I’ve lost it, but why am I agonising over it if it was my decision?
She is definitely not the person I thought she was and I think I’m also sad over the fact that I admitted I’m struggling but she’s never checked in. The same goes for some other friends from our friendship group. I feel like I’ve spent the past few years trying really hard to be a good, conscientious friend - checking in on people if I knew things were going on - and now I’m struggling, nobody is there.
Sorry for the essay, just feeling really down.

Bump?

Sounds like your anxiety and depression are making you dwell/ruminate on this. Have you started medication, and if so how recently?
Is the topic one that's bothered you since childhood?

There's quite a lot in your post, but also some relevant things missing.

You say she disappointed you, you couldn't get past it. However when she asked you, you didn't discuss this. She doesn't really have anywhere to go, if you retreat from people they will often respect that choice.

In terms of not being able to get past it, the mismatch between your feelings and your words could be one possible reason.

What do you want her to do? You say you can't get past her dislike of your child/husband, yet you also want her to reach out? This contradiction might want more thought.

In terms of what is missing - is this a pattern that has recurred? Are you having or have you ever had counselling? And what's your family background like - any issues there that have any similarity?

Edited to add: My question is, why is the situation still making me feel bad when I made the choice to withdraw? Maybe you feel bad and therefore are thinking about this a lot, it might not be this causing you to feel bad iyswim.

Do you think you may be a people pleaser and look to others for validation?
It tends to go along with a&d

Often People pleasers give to much to people who don't feel the same and so face extreme disappointment and resentment
Focus on yourself right now
Repair your MH by focusing on your wellbeing, step by step

Thank you all, your responses all make sense. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

Not on medication, having CBT. Think I’m in perimenopause as well.
And yes, I’ve always struggled with friendships. Always felt like I’m just on the outside and sort of searching for a friendship I could never find.

searching for a friendship I could never find

Therapy on this specifically could be useful.

We did have a discussion about the incident that started it all. Her comments then made it clear that she doesn’t like my daughter and whilst I would usually back down and apologise/try to appease, I didn’t. I have tried to buck up the courage at some points to try to talk to her about how I’m feeling but I haven been able to.

I feel like we could still maintain some sort of civility despite her dislike of my family, and I’m hurt that whilst I’ve tried to reach out and maintain some contact, she hasn’t. I imagine my actions have hurt her too. I don’t think she’s used to not being friends with people as she has a very wide social circle and is involved in lots of things.

I’m having CBT currently but never had therapy, although I’m on the verge of signing up for some as I’m really struggling with this. As per my post above, I’ve always had worries over friendships. And there is a lot of unresolved trauma from my childhood that needs addressing.
I think with perimenopause and other things going on in my life it’s just all come to a head.

Thanks you so much, your questions have really made me think in a helpful way.

Absolutely a people pleaser! And I know exactly where it stems from.

I think initially what I tried to do by withdrawing from what I felt was a disappointment was my way of trying to help myself, but it feels like it backfired! I have taken steps to work on myself with the CBT but I feel like I need more than that now, even though it has helped with some of my anxieties.
Thank you for your response.

Her comments then made it clear that she doesn’t like my daughter and whilst I would usually back down and apologise/try to appease, I didn’t. I feel it's good you didn't just accept this, it isn't on to criticise your child to you.

Good luck with your next steps

The biggest thing is to be a friend to yourself before you form friendships with others.
Value yourself and if that means stepping away then so be it.
Do you think you hoped she would chase you and that's the disappointment?
Her response tells you everything you need to know about how much she values your friendship
Think of it in terms of protecting your DC from someone like this
It's very harmful for DC to be subjected to people who dislike them , even if it's really to put you in your place.
You want a close friend
She isn't it

Let it go and work on valuing and caring for yourself, the friendships will come
Real friends