Denial about sexuality

[pbvizla]

Just a hypothetical question.....

Can someone be in denial about their sexuality to such an extent that they are in denial to themselves? Or do they always have an awareness and consciously choose to suppress/hide it?

Ive been reading about "internalised homophobia" but im not sure if someone can be so far in denial that they have convinced themselves they are straight? Or is it always an act?

Yes it's well known for gay people to be unaware they're gay.

Absolutely this is possible. If someone has a an upbringing characterised by homophobia and heteronormativity then it's entirely within a typical range of outcomes that they will not realise their sexuality until much later (possibly after marriage and children). Remember that sexuality isn't binary, and doesn't ever mean one finds every single member of the sex one is most attracted-to attractive and never finds a member of the other sex attractive. Someone can consider a member of the opposite sex to be an attractive person and love their personality (and may end up marrying them) whilst also being generally turned off and unenthusiastic about heterosexual sex, only realising after a long time that they feel completely differently about someone else who they fall in love with for real, and who is the same sex as them .

Thanks @BrokenSushiLook that's what I was wondering.

I've just spent 4 years in an almost sexless relationship (think he'd have been happy for not to be fully sexless). He also came across as very sexually repressed and when we did have sex he didn't like foreplay etc and wouldn't

I'm fully aware there could be a whole range of reasons for this - including him not being attracted to me and/or medical issues.

However, I'm now wondering this more & more as one of the issues we argued about towards the end was his homophobic attitude. I've got a few gay friends and he was never comfortable around them, a gay colleague started in his work and he would say it made him feel sick/uneasy/uncomfortable.
We had countless conversations about how "old school" his dad was and how it was better in his day when being gay was unacceptable etc.
He also said that having a son who turned out to be gay would be a massive disappointment and it would be embarrassing for a father to have to admit to having a gay son.
Sadly his own father has passed but I think he has issues dealing with that and idolises him and has him on a pedestal.

We have since split up (for this amongst other things) but hearing about internalised homophobia has got me thinking

People can be in complete denial about anything, so yes, sexuality can be unknown to some people.

So could a gay person not know that they are straight? Or would that make them bisexual?

I think it's more accurate to say sexuality isn't always binary.

It's an interesting question. Yes I imagine they'd be bisexual. Some people are curious and explore their sexuality and may find they are one or the other. Some people are attracted to personality irrespective of sex. Sexuality can be fluid. I'm straight but have had crushes on other women.

Oh people absolutely definitively always know they feel attraction to those of the same sex, or those of the opposite sex, or both. Impossible to pretend otherwise.

But some shut it down instantly and tell themselves lies that they can live with. It's cognitive dissonance, usually caused by fear.

https://annemariezanzal.com/cognitive-dissonance-its-role-in-coming-out-later-in-life/

@MontyVerdi agree, apologies for the clumsy wording.
I was thinking of a scenario where someone was saying they were not sexually attracted to men at all and were only attracted to women.
If this is not the case, do they know this is not the case and pretend. Or are there some instances where they are so in denial they actually don't even admit it to themselves?

@pbvizla you might be right - but what's important is that you are out of there and it's not your problem. Absolutely yes if he grew up knowing that a father's love is conditional on conforming to heteronormative expectations then that would definitely affect both his own development and would damage his own relationships with his children. Very glad that you have split up with him. You can't fix people, so try not to dwell on it.

No need to apologise - I didn't mean to sound like I was pulling you up. I was more musing to myself.

That isn't true at all. I know people in complete denial, to the point of overtime homophobia.

Thanks everyone.

Agree I'm much better off out of the relationship but we were really really close and I'm missing our bond/friendship.

Although i don't agree with any of his homophobic views in the slightest, I could almost feel sorry for him if they were driven by internalised homophobia and him feeling there was something wrong with him.

It's got me thinking about the men (and women) you hear of who get married and have kids then come out later in life. Have they consciously decided to marry and have kids knowing they are gay but trying to bury it? Or do they not consciously know they are doing this?

Nah. You're wrong.

You won't admit it though, so that's fine. I just came here to make the point because I knew the usual suspects would clamour round with their nonsense.

Have made the point, have nothing to add, so won't be back :)

(And yes, yes, you're terribly clever and witty and etc, good job on the getting the last word in the riposte that I won't read :))

Great argument. Enjoy your day.

OP there are millions of people in the world and they are all different. Sexuality can be complex. Some people know they're gay but desperately want a family life so pretend to be straight. Some people come from a homophobic background where they can't come out, so pretend to be straight. Some people are homophobic and refuse to accept their feelings. There are a myriad of ways people handle it and some people are in deep denial.

Is it the case that these feelings of hate are an extreme on a graduated scale or is there a step change somewhere? I have experience of reluctance and refusal to admit to being attracted to someone of the same sex. Both women after divorce from a conventional marriage. In neither was it strong enough to be thought of as homophobic merely an avoidance or extremely strong avoidance of men.
In my case I suppose it was only preference.

It's much more likely that he is an old-school homophobe than he is repressing his sexuality, but only he knows for sure. His browsing history will give you a clue is he is porn user.

It is possible to be gay (same sex attracted) and not have realised it yet. It is also possible to have been only attracted to one sex for a part of your life and then for that to change (sometimes more than once) as you grow older, meet differentpeopleandbhave differentlife experiences. PP with the sweeping generalisation can't possibly know the desires, feelings and circumstances of every other person in the world!

Even if a same sex attraction was there from very early on, there are lots of social and psychological reasons why it could have been suppressed to the point of complete denial. Shame, trauma, internalised homophobia are very powerful influences to overcome and some people don't ever dig deeper to explore how they really feel.

I knew someone who was apparently clever, chatty and very funny when in the company of men, but whenever a woman was introduced into the group, became a raging, hateful misogynist, making the most provocative, denigrating statements and always trying to cause a row. I assumed it was because he was relatively unattractive and had an incel anger thing going on (yawn), plus he was in the military, so unused to being around women.

When he finally came out as gay years later, his behaviour changed completely and he actually became a really nice person. I believe he was absolutely aware of his sexuality, but either in denial or just consumed with guilt and fear at having to disguise it in a male-dominated and homophobic environment. Either way, it clearly caused him huge psychological turmoil, and that shit has to go somewhere. In his case the rage was directed at all women - presumably because they could freely enjoy (or not, as the case may be!) the sexual attentions of men.

I think repressing or denying something so essential will inevitably lead to an inner turmoil that will find some kind of outlet. Whether or not the person is able to acknowledge to themselves that their sexuality is the root cause of it is another question.