Hi, long time lurker. Just wondering is it useless for me to hold out hope my violent DH will change?
Backstory: I was with my husband forever, since 2006. He was the only person I ever dated. It was a religious marriage. I begged not to have to marry him and told my parents how scary he was, how he'd swerve the car at random pedestrians and scream cursing at them like a lunatic, how I didn't feel safe sometimes, but nothing I told them was ever enough for them to take my side and encourage me to get out of the dangerous relationship. And this only became worse after marriage.
And the violence got worse. There were nights I had to sleep on the floor locked in the bathroom to be safe. There were assaults that left me with years of backpain, concussions, and I could honestly look my parents dead in the eyes and say "I'm lucky to be alive", still my parents didn't take it very seriously, they told me not to complain. They were the only ones I confided in for the longest time, I was an introvert, not someone to open up to friends who seemed to all have normal lives in comparisson.
My life on the surface looked fine. He eventually became a PhD and we bought a house very close to my parents. This was needed so I had a safe place to go during DH's meltdowns, especially once our two LO were born. I was frequently takintg them to my parents for safety, a few times a month it seemed. Sometimes we were less lucky and had to wait out his tantrums while reading a book or playing with stuffies in another room so they stayed distracted, I always protected them from the trauma as much as I could.
They say it takes 7 attempts to leave a violent partner on average. For me that number is more like 707 attempts. Usually my parents would just send me back to my abuse. My parents have 15 grandkids besides mine, seven of whom they are very involved with, so we often felt unwanted there, like a burden.
My parents have wanted me to stay in the marriage for fear me and my two little ones would become even more a burden on them. I talked to an attorney about my safety concerns in 2020, sparing the details I worried were too incriminating. He urged I get a protection order - I didn't know what that was. When I asked my family if I could stay with them for safety while my ex was served the protection order, they refused and even warned my ex what I was planning!! He was furious when he found out and the violence got worse and worse.
That was attempt number 707 for me, my last attempt. I gave up escaping him after that. I was very pregnant at the time, and DH decided after I had talked to an attorney that he didn't want to have any more kids with me. He would even say how he didn't want the baby or me before his assaults which (TW!!) resulted in the loss of life on 10/10/2020 when my nearly 6 months along baby boy was lost. Some of his assaults while I was pregnant I even have footage from. Here in Washington State, it's not enough to have heaps of evidence when a crime took place a few years ago, although I have waned to report it since the separation, my attorney advises against it. Both attorneys want my ex to continue working so they can contimue getting paid, it's a very corrupt system!! The legal team who is working my case made national news recently because they did not take a mama and her children's safety seriously and the dad showed up at their elementary school and shot the mom and one of their children, then the police chased them to Oregon where the dad shot himself when confronted. So this doesn't help me feel any confidence in hoping me and my kids will be safe. I can't help but feeling like we'd be better off going back to him, especially if he has changed. . .
What finally caused me to break free from my ex was he got sloppy with his assaults one night in 2022. Instead of shaking me to death from the throat, may head was getting bashed against a bookcase leaving huge bloody bumps. Eventually found out I had a TBI - everything went blank in my head. TBI is the number one cause of death, often belated. . .I have definitely never been the same since the TBI. I wish more people understood TBIs and I wish I understood them better too. If I'm doomed to this life as a homeless cripple who may or may not be fading from this realm, and all that matters to me is protecting my children, and he is given more custody of them. . .then my only option is to get back with my DH, is it not?
Part of me can't stop wondering if I should get back with DH, if only so I can protect my little ones and maybe even help DH finally actually change, after 17 years of my begging. I haven't been able to talk to him in almost a year now and this was the only person I talked to for over half my life. Like I'm 99% sure he'd be more than happy to undivorce. I just wish he could be stable!! Do homicidal DHs ever get better?
What if all this separation and court dates have been a wake up call to him - I have no way of knowing because the protection order prevents any communication between us!! How is that helpful?? I just want to know if anyone has been through a violent marriage where their partner changed completely?
My parents tell me my dad use to have a violent temper with the kids, never towards my mom, but that he took anger management and changed. Therefore they want me to feel encouraged that my homicidal ex will change too. Yet I have had a doctor warn me, she has seen MANY violent cases, that if my ex ever lays hands on me again, which is something that always seemed to happen, like a cycle, then it's game over. DV always escilates, she says. But my dad is better. . .granted he was never homicidal or psychotic.
I just want to go back to always being with my kids! This has been a very long year. What if my DH will agree to safety measures so me and the kids are always safe and he finds meds that calm him down and he really sticks to them this time?
Going from never worrying about money to having to worry whether I'll have a house to live in next year or if I'll be able to keep my kids safe makes my broken head spin all the more. 😵💫
Anyone with insight on any of this, please share.
Like I really don't want to end up a homeless cripple and lose the only two people who matter to me - my little ones. It doesn't help DH has turned his family and our once mutual friends against me, he says I cheated and worse, despite that I waited months after the separarion to date and despite the obvious violence he committed. It's shocking how many people will defend homicidal violence because the guy says his ex is crazy and makes up all kinds of lies. Too much to keep up with. I can't defend myself, if I could maybe I would never have gotten a TBI from him to begin with. Just getting through a basic day without feeling like my head will explode is a win.