Frustrated

[Ralp]

My husband makes observations on me and my son. Then says he’s trying to make a conversation.

my 19 year old came and spoke to me about car insurance. No big deal to me he always talks to me.

my husband says “ isn’t it funny Logan comes to you”

how am I supposed to reply and respond I find
him negative he gets on my nerves. he didn’t expand I am supposed to talk to him from that comment.

thoughts please

Is he trying to imply that you know less than him about car insurance?

"No, it's not funny. What are you making for dinner tonight? Did you see Mr Jones from next door this morning?

I would just ask him outright, “Why would that be funny?” You’re his Mum. Of course he’s going to ask for your help. Why wouldn’t he? Is your son your husbands child?

Yes it’s his son… that’s him opening conversation apparently But that isn’t how it comes across to me.

i felt defensive because I can’t see how observing my relationship with my son in that way is a conversation starter.

You feel unsettled and defensive because your husband is belittling you.

I’m thankful for everyone who is commenting. Yes that is what’s happening it’s not a conversation starter at all. He makes me feels I’m the problem for not having a conversation with him. I sometimes feel he’s trying to mess with my head.

I come on here as I have no one to run this past. It helps to know my feelings are valid.

Your husband sounds jealous? Is he approachable?

Can you give some more examples?

I don’t get how observation of me is a conversation starter

Yes I can talk and tell him how I feel not that he agrees

he does not understand why I don’t have a conversation from what he said.

I don’t react for no reason I know that. I’m sick of his so called normal behaviour making me feel there’s something bigger at play like he knows I’ll react

Seems to me you have a few options to his irritating observations. And he 100% knows they are irritating/neggy by the way.

1. zero response
2. grey rock / waffly grey rock
3. respond with an irritating observation of your own
4. ask for clarification
5. outright sarcasm
6. humour

examples for the car insurance one:
2 PP gave a good grey rock waffle above
3 I noticed the car needs washing actually
4 Do you mean it’s funny he chooses me or funny that he thinks I will know about insurance?
5 Oh yeah I find it hilarious each time he asks me something
6 Not as funny as your face

I would alternate between them for a while until the day I couldn’t stand it and then I’d LTB!

I can’t wait to hear what he says next and how you decide to play it!

💐

Thanks Catoo that is very helpful.

He is messing with your head. The. He’s gaslighting you and making it seem like you are the problem. You’re not the problem. Tell him to F off in no uncertain terms.

Yes. Another excellent option is ‘fuck off’. Missed that off my list.

Gaslighting has crossed my mind. Funny he doesn’t like me saying that word to him

Isn’t it funny how complete strangers can provide you with more understanding and support than a 25 year marriage.
makes me feel stronger to know I’m not alone.

If you feel it's just his communication style and everything else in your marriage is good then I recommend you go to a good marriage counsellor to sort out your communication problem. But if there are other things that don't feel right then start opening your eyes and questioning it to yourself/make a journal. I wouldn't discuss anything with your husband at this moment because if he is being abusive to you he has had a 25 year head start. Go to your own therapist, have honest chats with close friends to see if they have noticed anything, or ask more questions here.

Personally I wrote things down and that is where I saw a pattern, and it was a mean one. Not overtly nasty but still left an unpleasant taste behind. When I eventually confronted him apparently I deserved the nasty digs because I wasn't that bright - which was fair comment really because he had employed weaponised incompetence and belittled me throughout our marriage and I hadn't noticed he was taking the proverbial. Same as you, 25yrs marriage but now I'm on the final legs of divorce as I wasn't prepared to accept another 25yrs of that.

When you've had this kind of interaction for years it really messes with you head and makes you doubt yourself. But that's exactly what it's designed to do.

It chips away at your self-esteem and self-confidence.

What kind of life do you have outside the home? Do you work? Do you ever feel like you're "walking on eggshells" at home with your DH?

My kids always come to me, unless they want money. That's because DH has a tendency to waffle on about thing in great detail, long after the audience has zoned out.

He's never ever made a snide comment about it.

Update:

I had an apology he said he didn’t mean what he said and that what he meant was something different 😅😂 fucking heard it all now.

I stood strong and told him I’m not interested in the secondary meaning I’m interested in the first and that is what you should be sorry for.

I said all the things you guys pointed out without telling him I’d put it to a group.
He was kinda shocked I mean what can you say when someone has got your playing card.

I told him in no uncertain terms I will not be played with and I will not stand for this type of negativity because it’s not ok.

i will consider counselling because I want him to feel it although do those type of men feel anything?

im not 💯 happy if im honest so I will start getting my ducks in a row because I can’t continue with a partner how upsets my heart and my peace.

always no matter how they make you feel trust your gut and don’t back down.

thankypu to everyone who commented it has all helped me to be confident in my instincts and stay true to my feelings.