Unhappy with life or relationship?

[Coz97]

Since having a baby, my mental health has suffered a lot. I love my child a lot and wouldn't change her for the world. However, I'm been struggling. I miss the old me. I miss the freedom I had. I miss my relationship with my partner. There have been lots of arguments over the last few months, and although we have talked things through and are working on them, I don't know how I feel. I cry most days. Today I cried because I missed how things were between us, the long soppy messages, the romance. Obviously things change when you have a baby. We still show some affection but it's nowhere near the same. I feel unhappy and anxious and sick to my stomach every day. There has been a lot of change in my life recently (also started a new job) so could that be the reason? I'm having counselling at the moment but at the end of the day it's up to me to figure out why I'm so upset and whether my relationship could be behind it. Just looking for some insight or some advice on what to do.

All you can do is try and work out what the problem is, counselling will help with this, and then figure out what you can do about it. Bare in mind though that having a baby does change your life, change your relationship etc, and that can be hard to cope with and obviously isn’t something that can be reversed. My baby is 5 months old now and yes my relationship has changed, we don’t have as much time to cuddle just us, we don’t have as many fancy date nights out, date nights now look like pj’s, a bottle of prosecco and a pizza on the sofa most of the time, but we love each other if anything more than we did before she was born. Different doesn’t always mean bad or worse x

Other than hormonal issues, I'm wondering - how often do you do out with friends, and do you have close friends & family living nearby? How often do you go outside? As in walks that last an hour or more? Daylight is very important to mood.

Also - what are you arguing over?

I don't have many friends (like two close ish friends) and they are often busy so I don't go out with them much. Tbh my life is mostly looking after my baby, working and sleeping. I don't have many hobbies. I'm also dealing with some chronic health issues that is making things harder. I get outside every day often for a couple of hours or more due to the nature of my work.

Recently our arguments have been about me being jealous of the way he always has friends to go out with, he has a close female best friend who I'm jealous of, too. I'm not proud of my jealousy and I'm working on changing that.

Sounds to me like it would be good for you to expand your interactions with other women, regardless of what's going on with your partner, just for support. Are baby & toddler groups your thing?

I wouldn't be ok with my partner having a female best friend either, unless she was a lesbian. I'm done with being a cool, laid-back woman. I just got cheated on. I think women are more likely to think of men in a platonic way than the other way around.

Hi, Children have a massive impact on a relationship, it is not easy to make that always a positive one. That takes a lot of hard work and communication to work out as a couple, and for yourself as an individual.

I have had very similar experiences post children. If you need someone to discuss with I would be ok with that.

It sounds like your life has become very insular and you just need support to broaden your horizons and find yourself again and not just feel that you are a working mother. But an valuable person. That in itself should help improve your relationship as the relationship you have with yourself reflects massively on that. Happier you = happier husband as family.

I think you're right. Thank you.

You've had some great advice there and I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I do think it's worth investigating your feelings over his best friend. How does he react/respond to your feelings on that? I'm pretty wary of "triangulation" these days, and like a poster upthread said, no way would I act cool and put up with that again.It must be particularly hard that the arguing is based on him getting away and having fun when maybe you don't feel able to? I'm sure you'd feel better if you had some social type groups you could pop into now and again?