Help! DS best friends mum won’t make/follow through on arrangements

[OneAmusedLion]

My DS (10) has been best friends with this boy (10) for years. They hang out together at school, they play online, my DS is always talking about him and wanting to ask him over to play. I don’t think this is one sided as his friend always makes a beeline for DS at school when I drop him off and they are together at afterschool club when I pick him up. I’ve tried many times over the years to arrange play dates and my messages either get ignored or she will arrange something with me only to cancel or forget on the day. I’m painfully aware it might be me she doesn’t want anything to do with but I feel like I have to message her as my DS keeps asking. It’s not like she isn’t responsive to messages, if there is a class party invite she is generally one of the first to respond. I’m trying really hard not to take it personally. Do I start saying no to DS? Do I take the hint and stop messaging her? I’m at a loss and could really do with some different perspectives.

Does she go to the class parties?

Yes she does

I had this situation with one of my DC. I donned my hard hat and kept at it because i knew both boys were friends and wanted to do my best to facilitate things. I told DC that other mum was busy, made other excuses etc. i was never sure if it was our family not measuring up to her aspirational social goals or my DC she had an issue with. We managed a number of play dates, both ways over the years and Im glad I persisted.

Hmm then I think it might be personal sorry :(

Thank you both, I have felt it was me for a good while but have persisted in asking for the sake of my DS (I mean once or twice a year, not relentlessly!). Good to hear you persisted too eleaocarpus, gives me hope for my DS sake.

I can't remember how oldDS was when we introduced the concept that some people are a bit flaky. Honestly it helps because this will happen when he's old enough to arrange meet ups himself and it can really sting then. He's more likely to shrug it off now if someone forgets about plans on the day.

I had the same issue for years during promary school. The mum wouldn't commit to a play date, but I heard that her child had been to other play dates. I told my child, it's her mum, she won't do it so stop asking. Now they are in secondary school and still friends, they meet up independently as a group. There's nothing her mum can do about it! Arrange other play dates and forget about that child, until they're old enough to meet Independently.

Time to say no to your son and explain that you have asked several times but will not be asking again.
He is old enough to understand.
Ask other children.
Get a list from your son as to which boys are nice in his class.
Even if he is not close to them.
Then start inviting those children over.
You could be very very surprised what friendships develop from this.

Good advice. I asked a school Mum a few times if we could arrange a play date and she looked sheepish and didn’t commit. Funny thing is, she’d make a beeline for me at parties and speak to me the whole time. I started asking other Mums in my kids class and now some of her other friendships have blossomed. It’s hard when they have a best friend at school but there’s very little that can be done if the other Mum isn’t responsive. Does your son’s friend have other play dates?

I would just stop bothering tbh and explain gently to your DC that theres nothing you can do if the other mum won’t engage. I don’t get it tbh, unless a kid is really awful (I mean violent, swearing, of very rude) I’m always up for a playdate. I don’t enjoy them but DD does so I try to make sure she gets time with her friends.

Does she arrange play dates for her son with other children? I’m wondering if she just doesn’t do play dates as she doesn’t want to reciprocate them.

Could they arrange something without parents? An hour in the park after school?

Where are the playdates? If you’re asking her to come round try going to softplay etc instead. One of my son’s friends has a mum who is like this but she has 3 kids, a massive and permanently messy house, and works full time so there’s no time to host / go round to people / go to venues. But if you ask to meet in the park near her house she’ll be there with a picnic!

I agree with @Cupooee
Your son is old enough to understand what's going on.
My daughter is 5 and I even share age appropriate information with her.
She has a close friend at school whose parents are going through a really nasty divorce. They are now only allowing their children to play with children whose parents who have actively chosen their sides in the divorce.
Since I haven't gotten involved and remained neutral, my messages are now ignored. My daughter will still ask, and I'll tell her that she can see her friend at school, but right now her mum and dad are having a difficult time and need to be around people they feel most comfortable with.

Thank you to everyone for your replies! Lots of great opinions and ideas. I’m starting to think it’s time to stop asking and just get on with others who do want to come over/go out.

yes she does days out and play dates with others. I’ve tried inviting to our house and outside of our house.

My dd is 9 and has the same situation. Her best friend since nursery (so over 10 years!) and the mum just won’t have anything to do with us. I’ve had the daughter over a few times (always in the holidays when they need childcare funnily enough) but it is never reciprocated. That in itself doesn’t bother me but deliberately leaving my DD out of every single birthday party and sleepover does sting a bit. My DD asked this year if she shouldn’t invite best friend to her party and I told her she could invite whoever she likes and sometimes it’s best to be the bigger person. I have an older DD so I know you cannot choose who they are friends with, and in a couple of years when they’re at college the mum will not be able to stop them being friends. It’s so sad as my daughter is such a lovely girl and has lots of other friends.

Now she is older I have been pretty honest and said I don’t know why mum or dad seems to have a problem with us but all you can do is hang out at school etc and we will arrange other play dates. I don’t even care if this gets fed back to the family because what they’re doing is appalling (they once bribed their daughter with gifts if she stopped playing with mine!). I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a single mum, work part time, some sort of weird jealousy? Your poor DS though, it is so unfair they have to experience this at such a young age.

Does she have older/ younger kids or is she in a busy job? We look like we don’t want to take part in things but it’s literally that there’s always something going on or someone sick. My friends barely bother making plans anymore because chances are they’ll be cancelled

I would stop asking her & explain to your Son that the Mum doesn't always message back so you can't keep on messaging.

It's probably not personal. Is she mega anxious or something? But even then, surely she could just drop him off?

We had a similar thing with my next door neighbour. She would constantly pop her child over the fence and ask me to look after her (from the age of 1-4 ish), then suddenly it stopped (thank god), but my Daughter always asks if she can come over. We've knocked every couple of months for about a year and they always say no. I've told my Daughter if people keep saying no, then unfortunately you have to stop nagging them all the time. I've told her that they will come and ask when they are ready.

Awkward position for you, but just be honest with your Son.

I'm another one to stop asking. They will soon be in high school and have access to phones so the kids can arrange to meet on their own.

I agree. Tell the truth. I've done this when my child would hassle me about things and I'd tried endlessly.

I'd say, I have contacted xyz a few times but they aren't replying when I ask. Some people are a bit rubbish with communicating

At 10 your son is old enough for you to explain that the other mum is a bit flaky.
Not long before he can arrange things without you facilitating.

My dcs were friends with kids with a flaky mum. In the end I just said ' you know what Clares like , things don't always happen..'

In my case wasn't just me. She would mention plans and Clare's own dc would say to her but do you promise we'll do that mummy.

I had this situation and the infuriating thing was the play dates were always suggested by the other mum. When I would try and arrange something she would ignore messages and make excuses like "whoops, sorry I was sitting in the garden and couldn't text you back" (like mobile phones arent portable) or some weird, unbelievable, manufactured crisis that obviously hadn't happened. It felt like some weird power play.

I only persisted, and frankly, made myself look like a complete mug, because her dd was the only true friend my dd had at school. She was well aware of this. It really upset my dd at the time

In the end, I explained to my dd that the mum was flaky and that I had tried to arrange play dates. I also explained that I would not be arranging any more and for her not to ask. It pissed me off to be this blunt but i had to manage my dd's expectations going forward.

I think some of the reasons for the mum's behaviour is that she is a very self -absorbed person, in general. But also, I wasn't in the mum clique at school (small village primary so clique mentally very obvious) and was 'person non grata' in that sense.

Yes leave it had a few like that "girls must catch up soon". It never got followed up. I felt only so many times you can ask! I keep it casual with people now as they super flaky ..