The friend who knows everyone

[Cherryblossom200]

I have a lovely friendship group of mums, we're all good friends and have a real laugh. I love them to bits. But there is one friend in the group I struggle with. I'm not entirely sure why..

She's a very exuberant, fun, super friendly person. She knows everyone, has loads of friends - where ever you go it's guaranteed she will know someone. Very popular. But something I can't put my finger on just doesn't feel right. She seems to want to be everyone's friend.

Whenever I spend time with her I always sort of feel empty, she doesn't make much of an effort and I'm sure it's because she knows so many people. I'm just a small fish in a big pond.

I have a much smaller friendship group, but we all make time for one another. When I spend time with them it feel's different.

Her daughter is exactly the same, when my daughter tries to spend time with her she just feels ignored! It's so strange that we both feel the same way.

When I'm with our friends all together it's fine. But I sort of a feel a little odd about this one person in the group.

She also seems to be the type of person who on the surface is lovely but speaks about people behind their back. Whereas I prefer to be just myself, if I don't like someone I make little to no effort! I'm not bothered what people think, I'd rather just spend time with people I like.

I'm wondering if it's a case of having lots of friends but not really actually having anyone if that makes sense?!

Very popular.

Is she though? There's a difference between knowing loads of people, and being very popular.

I met someone a few years ago who sounds like this person.

I figured out quite quickly that she gathers aquaintances that she thinks may be of some use or interest to her, now or at some point in the future. After I'd already figured that out for myself I was warned about her by someone else who described her as a 'collector of people'.

She'd tell you that all these people she knows are friends, but they're not, they're people she knows.

She made very little effort with me, until she had a need from me, or rather my business which she wanted to piggyback on to launch something herself. As soon as she realised I wasn't playing ball I got demoted back to outer circle.

It's interesting to observe her and what she does, from a dispassionate distance and see who gets sucked in then discarded once they've outlived their usefulness.

They sound so similar!!

And you are so spot on about gathering people who could be of use to her and her husband. They seem to like fake sort of wealthy types (even though they are not rich themselves) and they get to stay in their houses when they are away.

I want to really like her, but there is something which makes me keep my distance to some extent.

My gut instinct is normally right!

Well if you and your daughter feel the way you do about her then it's pretty safe to say a lot of her acquaintances feel the same. But they just don't voice their opinion because they also assume everyone else likes her.

I've met people like her. They make you feel sort of used. That they are only bothering with you for an ulterior motive.

The talking about others behind their backs is also unpleasant. I wonder if she isn't as confident as she makes out if she feels the need to do that?

You sound a very genuine person OP.
Think I would continue to be to be friendly enough with her at social gatherings but definitely try and avoid spending one to one time with her. Pleasant acquaintanceship rather than friendship seems the way to go.

It’s ok just to not be so keen on one person in a large group.

Some people just want to know you because they hoover up information which they use as currency with other people. It doesn't sound as though she has friends at all.

If she's talking about people behind their backs to you then she's almost certainly talking about you to other people.

Trust your gut. Be polite but distant. Don't tell her anything personal or important. Unless you want to be mischievous and feed her some weird story and see how far it travels....

It reminds me of the Hollywood set and being seen to 'know' the right people. They invite people to their weddings and parties but they're not even friends. It's all about networking and knowing a vast amount people and being popular. You and I would prefer deeper relationships with friends and maybe have a smaller circle of people we believe to be 'true' friends.

Just think of her as a friendly acquaintance rather than a close friend - no need to be any more than that. And she might be useful to you one day too?

I have a colleague like this, full of bluster and pretence. I know this to be true because when I was talking about a specific person (Chris with surname) that he would know, or ought to, he did the "Oh yes, Chris, great guy, I went to his stag do, I'm mates with his wife and we see them often".

Chris (that surname) is a woman. Had never heard of my colleague anymore than he'd heard of them.

I think these people do it to bolster their own egos and feign importance that they really don't have? Tiresome.

It’s ok not to get on with everyone. You both sound like very different people and you don’t seem to like her anyway, so what’s the issue if she doesn’t want to be your best friend?