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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New dating scenario….advice needed please!

15 replies

Newname2024jen · 16/09/2024 18:37

Hi, advice needed please or maybe just my head wobbled!
Met a guy online a few weeks ago, about 5 weeks I think, a couple of days of nice chat, I liked his pictures so we met for a coffee which I instigated (I don’t believe in chatting for ages, would prefer to see if there’s a real life connection rather than waste time with endless messaging). Really liked him when we met, we both messaged after to say the same, lots of lovely things said but not in a love bombing way, I don’t think!)
At this stage he had said he was super busy, running two businesses, keeps fit, lots of energy etc. I am also pretty busy and not looking for loads of time commitment so this didn’t ring any alarm bells. We went on a perfect second date about a week later, was really lovely and the attraction for me was definitely there. Again, lots of nice and validating messages following this. After that it was quite hard arranging another date, lots of ‘tentative’ things mentioned by him, I told him when I was free and he said a few times he would ‘see what he could make work’ for specific times but then nothing would come of it. I started to get a tiny bit narked with this but didn’t make too much of it as I was mindful of how busy he is. We did lots of text and sex chat in between, instigated by us both, I was good with all this and it was definitely two way. Continued to feel a little like was there ever going to be time for real life stuff but also still continued to find him really attractive so was telling myself time will tell. Finally arranged 3rd date for a week ago, we had a lovely dinner and went back to his and slept together, again I was a very willing participant in this, it felt very much like a two way thing, we had talked about this happening and pretty much agreed that it would happen ahead of the date so don’t think it could be seen as a mistake, defo not by me anyway. And it went well, maybe both a bit nervous but nothing disasterous happened, it was good sex and we both communicated we felt like this after. The few days after I got lots of lovely messages, couldn’t wait to see me again, had been thinking lots about our time together etc. But again being a bit slippery about another arrangement, saying he had a mega busy next couple of weeks but then things workwise were due to quieten a bit. Last Friday I sent a hi message, got a reply straight away saying he couldn’t wait to see me again and I decided to reply asking what free time he had over the weekend seeings as I had a bit of free time myself. I haven’t had a reply since! I don’t understand, he read the message and has just ignored! I have sent another message this morning (3 days after the last) just asking what the deal is, it’s not been read yet (few hours ago). I need opinions on what’s happening here?! Is he already in a relationship and has just been looking for some extra attention (said he had been single for a year and a bit but prev in a 15 yr relationship). Is he just a really busy guy who is flaky. Is it acceptable on any level that I asked for some time together and the message has just been ignored? Am I being a complete walkover and need to just delete and move on or would this not be a sackable offence, especially given that there has been lots of lovely stuff?! I feel like as I really quite like him i can’t see things straight, honest opinions very welcome…thank you muchly ladies….🙏🏻xx

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 16/09/2024 18:39

Ghost

alwaysmovingforwards · 16/09/2024 18:41

There’s no point thinking too hard about what else he’s got going on, but it’s clear he’s just not that into you.

Newname2024jen · 16/09/2024 18:41

Guavafish1 · 16/09/2024 18:39

Ghost

Yes, I think I don’t want to think this is the case as he seemed so nice, and keen. But reality is you are probably spot on….thanks for reading/replying xx

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 16/09/2024 18:49

❤️

TwistedWonder · 16/09/2024 19:15

I’ll be honest in my experience super busy with work usually means busy dating other people as well.

Unfortunately like many men online, he loves the chase and the chat but once he gets sex, he’s onto the next conquest.

Delete and move on

PineappleRingpiece · 16/09/2024 19:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newname2024jen · 16/09/2024 21:44

Thanks all for replying, what i needed to hear, mumsnet is fab… He’s now deleted and blocked…🤪xx

OP posts:
Needablueskyholiday · 16/09/2024 21:49

Newname2024jen · 16/09/2024 21:44

Thanks all for replying, what i needed to hear, mumsnet is fab… He’s now deleted and blocked…🤪xx

Good for you. He's not worth the headspace. Poor form on his part for ghosting you. I admire your self worth and confidence in handling this :) x

Newname2024jen · 16/09/2024 22:11

Needablueskyholiday · 16/09/2024 21:49

Good for you. He's not worth the headspace. Poor form on his part for ghosting you. I admire your self worth and confidence in handling this :) x

Thank you…that’s really lovely to read…🥰Xx

OP posts:
Splitlens · 16/09/2024 22:13

Hey OP, what shitty behaviour from him, glad to read your update about blocking him! Absolutely nothing wrong asking if he had free time to meet up and ignoring anyone like that is not decent. People can lie very well, especially if they've honed their skills so I doubt you've done anything wrong here and you don't deserve this treatment. Don't let a waster drain your energy and on a positive, you've seen him for what he is early on.

I always wonder is this a person testing how much shit treatment someone will accept. Like, he'll give it a few days then swan in with all the airy, full of busy bs seeing if you'll take it. Wanker.

SpagBolBowl · 16/09/2024 22:18

I've quite angrily messaged someone after a situation like this. They promised xyz and stood me up. Anyway never heard back until six weeks later when they reeled out the whole sorry was busy then felt ashamed for their behaviour etc.

At the end of the day though .... none of that changes the lack of availability and I never really respected them the same after that.

Newname2024jen · 17/09/2024 06:39

Splitlens · 16/09/2024 22:13

Hey OP, what shitty behaviour from him, glad to read your update about blocking him! Absolutely nothing wrong asking if he had free time to meet up and ignoring anyone like that is not decent. People can lie very well, especially if they've honed their skills so I doubt you've done anything wrong here and you don't deserve this treatment. Don't let a waster drain your energy and on a positive, you've seen him for what he is early on.

I always wonder is this a person testing how much shit treatment someone will accept. Like, he'll give it a few days then swan in with all the airy, full of busy bs seeing if you'll take it. Wanker.

Edited

Yes, I was getting stuck on the ‘what if he’s just having a really crazy few days, or somethings happened’. But in the end of the day, accepting it once or twice, and so early on, inevitably sets the standard! So im well out, I can see that. My ego’s just a bit bruised!🤣
thanks for replying xx

OP posts:
Newname2024jen · 17/09/2024 06:42

SpagBolBowl · 16/09/2024 22:18

I've quite angrily messaged someone after a situation like this. They promised xyz and stood me up. Anyway never heard back until six weeks later when they reeled out the whole sorry was busy then felt ashamed for their behaviour etc.

At the end of the day though .... none of that changes the lack of availability and I never really respected them the same after that.

100% - and if I had accepted it I would just be wary of it happening again, putting me on the back foot all the time. Sorry you’ve had similar happen, and what a pain they got in touch again 6 weeks later, such a cheek! Thanks for replying xx

OP posts:
Splitlens · 17/09/2024 07:27

Newname2024jen · 17/09/2024 06:39

Yes, I was getting stuck on the ‘what if he’s just having a really crazy few days, or somethings happened’. But in the end of the day, accepting it once or twice, and so early on, inevitably sets the standard! So im well out, I can see that. My ego’s just a bit bruised!🤣
thanks for replying xx

Yes cause you do seem like a lovely and chilled person to date- going with the flow, enjoying someone's company, doing what you feel is right and comfortable for you. You sound secure in your dating approach and it's does sound like respected the guy, hence you starting to question whether he was really busy etc...thats a kind and normal reaction. He's a dud.
Do something really nice for yourself. Get that ego massaged. Look at gorgeous photos of yourself. List all your amazing qualities to yourself. Congratulate yourself for recognising that only an equal will get to get close to you ✨️ ❤️xx

Newname2024jen · 17/09/2024 08:16

Splitlens · 17/09/2024 07:27

Yes cause you do seem like a lovely and chilled person to date- going with the flow, enjoying someone's company, doing what you feel is right and comfortable for you. You sound secure in your dating approach and it's does sound like respected the guy, hence you starting to question whether he was really busy etc...thats a kind and normal reaction. He's a dud.
Do something really nice for yourself. Get that ego massaged. Look at gorgeous photos of yourself. List all your amazing qualities to yourself. Congratulate yourself for recognising that only an equal will get to get close to you ✨️ ❤️xx

Edited

Thank you so much for the lovely words!❤️xx

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