Mental health | Mumsnet

Lemonmelon1 · 2024-09-16T15:33:43+00:00

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder back in 2012 but have struggled with my mental health and self harm since 2003. I left a 17 year abusive relationship and am now remarried. Dh and I have been together nearly 3 years. When we met I was very open about having mental health issues although I didn't disclose my diagnosis for a while as a lot are quick to judge. He reassured me that he was completely understanding and caring. Now he is a very loving and caring husband, however it is clear that he just does not get mental health issues. If I become upset he expects me to get over things quickly. He tells me I'm silly for getting upset over things he considers small. Sometimes I wonder if it's right to be with someone who doesn't understand just an integral part of who I am. Does anybody else experience similar?

poppyzbrite4 · 16/09/2024 16:36

I'm assuming this is a recent thing and he hasn't always done this. Has anything happened? How is your relationship in general?

Have you done DBT in order to learn strategies to manage your condition?

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 16/09/2024 16:51

poppyzbrite4 · 16/09/2024 16:36

I'm assuming this is a recent thing and he hasn't always done this. Has anything happened? How is your relationship in general?

Have you done DBT in order to learn strategies to manage your condition?

I was offered dbt when I was diagnosed but was unable to attend as I didn't have anybody to watch my children. They needed me there three times a week. That would still be a problem now as they all have disabilities.
In reality he's never understood my mental health. It's become more obvious the last year or so as we have had more life challenges and I have struggled a lot more.
He gets low moods himself so I can't understand why he doesn't get it more. He has said he would read up on bpd but he either hasn't or hasn't taken any of it on board.

OP posts:

poppyzbrite4 · 16/09/2024 16:58

Lemonmelon1 · 16/09/2024 16:51

I was offered dbt when I was diagnosed but was unable to attend as I didn't have anybody to watch my children. They needed me there three times a week. That would still be a problem now as they all have disabilities.
In reality he's never understood my mental health. It's become more obvious the last year or so as we have had more life challenges and I have struggled a lot more.
He gets low moods himself so I can't understand why he doesn't get it more. He has said he would read up on bpd but he either hasn't or hasn't taken any of it on board.

Show quote history

The problem is OP he's not your therapist and it's not on him to understand your moods. I don't know how your condition presents itself but BPD can be very difficult to live with.

Can you get DBT online? Are there any workbooks you can buy? I take it you're a full time carer and can't get DBT in the evenings when your partner is home from work?

I would take his feedback on board as he sounds fed up. If he's a good partner and there are no other issues, then see if that helps.

JustLifeOnEarth · 16/09/2024 16:59

OP, it sounds like you have really been through the mill, but it’s good you are now with someone loving and caring. If your husband really is both those things, then can you communicate to him how his comments and behaviour make you feel? He may not realise that he is being dismissive. Perhaps he’s trying (in his own misguided way) to help you move on from difficult emotions and feel better. Not everyone is an expert in mental health. If you lay out exactly why you struggle and ask for his patience, understanding and support do you think he will step up and support you? Or will he not be able/willing to? If the latter is the case, then maybe you could try couples therapy to really get the message across? If he still calls your mental health issues silly, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. Your partner should be the one who’s in your corner to support you, not dismiss you.

Original poster

Lemonmelon1 · 16/09/2024 17:36

JustLifeOnEarth · 16/09/2024 16:59

OP, it sounds like you have really been through the mill, but it’s good you are now with someone loving and caring. If your husband really is both those things, then can you communicate to him how his comments and behaviour make you feel? He may not realise that he is being dismissive. Perhaps he’s trying (in his own misguided way) to help you move on from difficult emotions and feel better. Not everyone is an expert in mental health. If you lay out exactly why you struggle and ask for his patience, understanding and support do you think he will step up and support you? Or will he not be able/willing to? If the latter is the case, then maybe you could try couples therapy to really get the message across? If he still calls your mental health issues silly, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. Your partner should be the one who’s in your corner to support you, not dismiss you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. He is trying to help me in the way that he would want to be helped. I have to remember that.
It's been a particularly difficult weekend.

OP posts:

Purpleraiin · 16/09/2024 18:31

Hi OP, my partner was diagnosed 4 years into our relationship. It was obvious before the diagnosis though what was coming so I spent alot of time reading trying to understand. Honestly though, of all the books I've read, websites I've visited, mental health team advice given, only one book actually helped me have some form of understanding for his condition. That book alone wasn't enough though. Him eventually being more open, recognising his triggers and sharing them with me are the things that have helped the most. We were doomed to fail until he was able to do that.
From someone on the other end in the relationship, Triggers and communication have been key for the both of us and our relationship.
Have you tried to sit down and have an open conversation with him/ help educate him, rather than pointing him in the direction of reading material? And I think more importantly, does he want to be educated?