Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused - partner is more attentive

7 replies

Amazingday · 16/09/2024 15:16

i have posted about my relationship before. In summary both mid 40s and been dating 2.5 years. I moved into his after a year dating for 8 months. till my houses was built. That time I felt isolated and ignored by him. He spent lots of time at the pub and sex stopped. We broke up for 5 weeks day 2 of me moving out.

in that time he got diagnosed with depression which explained his behaviour. He asked to try again and we discussed what we needed in the relationship and how we can repair. We also talked about the future and what we wanted. We were on the same page so decided to try again slowly.

it was going fine. I was struggling with only seeing each other 2 times a week and he wasn’t great at communication between dates. he also didn’t want to do much out of the house. I spoke to him about it and it improved. he had made quite a bit of health and life style changes and the guy I fell in love with is back. So why am I confused.

he stays at mine for 4/5 days. I don’t go to his due to the commute as both our works are very close to mine. He also says that my village is much nicer than his with more going on and I am only a short taxi into the city. He is affectionate and wants to do things. Frequent Sex has returned. He calls me everyday and is making a massive effort and is open with communication. I did ask what changed and he said he reflected and realised relationships take consistent effort and he wasn’t making me his priority and didn’t want to lose me again. So is now making sure I am his priority and that isn’t going to change.

why am I confused with getting the attentive boyfriend back. I feel content and happy. But I am now worried about consistency and sustainability. Why can’t I be happy.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 16/09/2024 15:19

Because you're aware that he's capable of treating you badly and are wondering how long this phase will last. Does he do his fair share around the house or are you host?

DeCaray · 16/09/2024 15:56

I'm cynical. He wants a foot in the door.

People that treat you with disdain one minute and then turn on the charm are usually after something.

Amazingday · 16/09/2024 17:03

@poppyzbrite4 he does act like a guest. But he will fill dishwasher, treats to a takeaway or bring breakfast for the morning. He can’t cook, but brings food. Doesn’t clean, but it’s my house. I wouldn’t do that at his.

@DeCaray I don’t particularly think he wants to move in. He has his own house which is similar size and earns a very good wage. Maybe I can’t relax as i am waiting on it going bad again.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 16/09/2024 18:16

I think I read your previous thread .. maybe he’s trying to make it work because he genuinely loves / cares for you. Depression can really impact behaviour and it seems he’s self aware and wants to try and repair past damage. Mumsnet can be quite cynical but truth is no one would be in a relationship if it needs to be 100% perfect all
the time. Give it a chance but of course you have every right to feel wary. Hope you do feel a little happier.

Amazingday · 16/09/2024 22:24

@Secondstart1001 suppose you are right. There was no need to ask me to get back. I never contacted him when we split up it was him. I do know he reflects a lot. His default is no and you can’t tell him what to do. but he thinks a lot after and I have figured out suggestion is key, as he will think and then probably do what I was suggesting.

also he is very stubborn and will not do anything he doesn’t want to. People have said he must love me if he had asked me to try again.

OP posts:
Splitlens · 16/09/2024 22:44

Is there any part of you that felt obliged to try again due to the depression diagnosis? Any gulit there?- because it was given as his explanation of his behaviour and treatment towards you, then your experience of that episode in the relationship was invalidated? I get the sense you are wary and we must always listen to our gut. I remember your previous post, was he being a dick about not helping with furniture? I remember thinking he was like a jealous spoilt prat.

Amazingday · 16/09/2024 23:02

@Splitlens no I didn’t feel guilty about his depression. I only went back as he sought help. He did admit he acted like a brat as he was upset I moved out. He assumed I would stay at his forever. Communication was a massive issue for him. He is working on that now.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread