Fooled again by husband - help I need to move on

[Nothingtoseeherex]

I amd 52 (f) and have a 14 yr old daughter. My husband has always had an awful temper and moods. For 28 years he has ruined most Christmas', birthdays etc and we have walked around on eggshells so as not to offend him in the slightest way otherwise he would go crazy and shout and sulk for days. This was increasing more and more with my daughter and got to the point her was swearing at her and throwing her out of the car in car parls and driving off. All because she rolled her eyes at him. I told him to go in April this year afyer he had done it yet again and my daughter was traumatised by his ranting and days of not speaking to her. He was initially shocked and unhelpful but has since changed his tune and says he loves us and wants to come back. For weeks he has been on his best behaviour, getting counselling and being nice. He has been helpful and generous but that all changed last night and his true colours came out again.
He'd cooked a meak and we sat down to eat it. As a bit of background, we have both been doing Slimming World and lost weight. I have lost 2.5 stone and he has too. I still realistically have another 2 to go as I have put weight on with the menopause etc. He then started to say he had a billion dollar idea for weightloss and said that he would extract the DNA for 20 year old eastern european girls and inject them in fat middle aged women and he says eastern european girls are built differently. I was taken aback and said it was probaly more to do with the fact they are in their 20's rather than just DNA. In 30 years time after kids, lack of hormones and looking after a man child - they will likely look the same! He then started saying that their asses were amazing and all guys look at them and that's all he was saying. I said it wasn't nice to talk about fat middle aged womwn like that considering he was sitting next to one. He said that he thought I could take a joke and that I am a feminist man hater these days, that he is not surprised my daughter is moody with me and that I will be alone at 90 with a load of cats. My reply was " I like cats". He got up and walked out. He was supposed to take my daughter to school this morning and he was a no show and no text.
I feel suckered in by his better behaviour and stupidly thought he'd changed and seen the error of his ways. I feel an idiot, duped, and I wanted to believe he still cared but he just probably wanted to save on rent and have is underwear cleaned for him.
How do I move on as clearly him hurting my feeling on a daily basis, name calling and constant threat of tantrums from a 6'6" toddler has not broken the ties? I feel supid, so stupid.

OP, be kind to yourself. You are most certainly not stupid and have seen him for what he is.

This is not too uncommon sadly. There was the threat of you really making a break last time, and he put in a little effort that was required to get you to reconsider. It was just enough, but unfortunately that best behaviour doesn't always stay that way and they revert back to their usual self.

I think you now can see how this is going to play out going forward. Please show your daughter this is not how things should be. She is likely to go into adulthood thinking this is normal, and also, being fearful of men. As it is how she has been living up until now.

How to move on? I don't think there is a standard set in plan for everyone, but your first step is to prepare mentally. Know that you are going to do this this time. I am not in the same country as you, and I am sure someone will be able to add in some links for you to speak to someone who could assist you. If that is financial ( you don't say your situation). Do you have family or somewhere you could go, just for a start to get a break and away from him. It is always easier to make a decision for yourself when you are not under duress.

And I would really keep a close eye on your dd. She may need to attend some therapy going forward.

i suspect in the long run that life without this man will be ever so much more pleasant.

I feel really sorry for your DD that she has been subjected to your DH's temper and awful behaviour throughout her childhood. With apparently little protection from you.

Why should you be surprised by his abhorrent view points on women and his disrespect for you, given you have long known what type of man he is?

For your DD's sake, if not you own, you should get this man out of your lives.

For years you have been conditioned into accepting his abuse as normal . But now Op you are finding the strength to see how toxic he is and put your daughter and yourself first.
That takes strength and courage.
Keep pushing forward for a much better happy life without him
Stay strong. You are seeing him now for what he really is and saying NO MORE x

Short answer - get a divorce. If you've taken 28 years of this, it's not surprising it's hard to move on. He sounds horrible. Can he get some help with his behaviour, anger management, counselling etc?
Have another go at chucking him out and try to make it last longer this time.
It might take a few tries before it sticks but you must know you've got to keep trying. Can you see a counsellor yourself and seek support from people? Have you got your own life - work, friends, hobbies, pets, anything, or has it been all about him? If you've depended on him for money- is that why you've put up with it so long- you'll need to become more independent. He's taking up all your headspace, start to take some of it back.

Yuck he sounds so revolting .
Textbook abusive man kind of claptrap.

Put "I will survive" on a loop

He sounds like a vile , text book narcissist!!!

He's not going to change. He's a twat.
Your life without him will be much better. Your DD really deserves not to be going through any more of her childhood with this kind of behaviour front and centre in her life. She's probably already quite profoundly affected.

To those concerned that I haven't protected my daughter. I have the best to my ability and stood up to him whenever he did this. I defended her to the hilt and was there for her. Leaving/separating has not been easy and not an option for so long. My life has been abusive for so long that he has made me a mess emotionally and I don't have enough to live on with a single wage so I was trapped. I still am as I depend on him still even though he has moved out to keep a roof over our heads as my wage does not cover our outgoings. My mum was also a single parent and she struggled so hard to bring me and my sister up on no money while my dad lived a great life - holidays, new cars etc. We struggled to have food on the table and now I am in the same situation as my mum. The services that are there to help don't really unless you are in danger. I have no family - 1 sister in Scotland that's it. I'm on my own and trying my best to keep food on the table and hold down a full time job while bringing up my daughter. He said he still loved us and wanted to make ammends and said he prove to us that he had changed. I kept my distance but still allowed him back into our lives as it was good for all of us to get along. I didn't realise how much emotionally I had allowed him back in until he hurt me and showed his nasty ways again. I hate myself for thinking that I was taken in yet again. I want support in learning how to break that bond. I have never been treated kindly by men - my father included so I know no different.

Think forwards OP not backwards.
Have you spoken to woman’s aid about what help you can get? Benefits , divorce , therapy etc.
I know you aren’t near your sister but can she support you from afar ?

I get a top of benifits but I pay mortgage so no help with that. I am getting therapy which helps a bit so I can rationalise what we've gone through but we struggle to get by. It's my daughters birthday next week and I can't afford to get her much and we never go out for fun as there is no budget. I hadn't wanted to do divorce as again it's money I haven't got and we would have to sell the house. I feel lost.

@Nothingtoseeherex be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot and you're doing really well to step forwards.

I just wanted to say that you do need to be aware that when you post on Mumsnet, whilst most people will be kind, others will be quick to criticise and point out what they think you have done wrong. That is the nature of a forum like this.

I'm just saying that so that you can try not to take those comments to heart. No one but you knows the full story. And none of us acts "perfectly" in these situations because they are really hard.

I would also focus less on specific situations (he said this, and I said that etc) and more on the big picture. When we focus on specifics, it's easy to be talked out of it - they can say we took it the wrong way, it's not a big deal etc. The important bit is not what he said at that dinner but the big picture. Big picture, he is unkind, moody, angry and doesn't treat you or your DD the way you deserve.

Best of luck moving forwards. In some ways it will be hard but in others it will be much easier xxx

My Mum stayed with my Father because she felt it was for the best as we had a nice lifestyle and back then divorcing was seen as something a bit shameful.
She finally left him when I was around 25 and I really really wish she had done it sooner. The thought of just us and our pets in a little house without an abusive lunatic living with us was amazing and having to walk on eggshells in case we set him off was absolutely awful. I remember my Mum said she was actually going to do it when I was around the same age as your DD and getting on for 40 years later I can still remember how happy I was. She even had a tiny house arranged that she was renting from a friend but somehow he talked her out of it.
To be honest I did always have some resentment towards her for staying with him.
Please don't let him back, I would have happily gone without so many things for my Mum to have left my Father

Do you get on with your sister? A new life up in Scotland for you and your daughter could be exactly what you both need.

All this.CAB are also useful and maybe can help you find a solicitor nearby for a free initial consultation. See what you might be entitled to. This sounds a bad situation which won’t change.