Advice on an older man

[GracieJackson]

Hey guys,

I have read so much great advice and wondered if anyone could offer me some.

I’m going through a divorce at the moment from a man who treated me really badly (a lot of cheating!). I’m worried about dating and can’t be bothered with the games.
I have liked a man at work (he’s 51 and I’m 35) for around a year, but thought he was happily married and so kept what I thought was a delusional crush quiet.

I went on a night out with work and turns out he is separated. We ended up spending the night together, I was very drunk but it was so fun to finally have the time with him I’d always wondered about.
He messaged me a little the day after saying things like come say goodbye, thinking about you a lot, wished he was in bed with me still etc. nothing creepy, just lovely messages. I then didn’t hear from him for 2 days. As I work with him, I sent a message that just said - hey just checking we’re good? (I worried he regretted it and wanted to assure him we could forget it if he did have regrets) and he said morning, yes of course. We’re good :) and not I’ve heard anything else.

I don’t get it, is it an age thing or is he not interested??
Im away now for 2 weeks so can’t see him to understand and it’s driving me crazy. I didn’t think I’d ever let myself get involved with these games again, and thought an older man would be a lot more straight forward.

Help, am I overthinking it?

He likely only wanted casual sex and probably wouldn’t turn it down again but I doubt he sees you as a serious relationship prospect due to a) the age gap and b) the fact that you work together.

You should probably regard it the same way.

I suspect he may be having some fun stringing you along. He may have other women on a string too and hasn't got the time to pay any of them his full attention.
It would be a hard pass for me. Men in their 50s who go for women in their 30s are usually creepy.
Also, as the saying goes, don't shit where you eat. Getting involved with a colleague makes it very uncomfortable if the relationship fails.
I also think you should wait until you are divorced to start dating. You probably aren't healed from the betrayal yet.

P.S. Do you know for a fact he is separated, or is that just what he told you?

The sad reality is that in those 2 days he has likely been playing at being the family man. Did you really believe the old 'we're separated' story? Let me guess, they've 'not had sex in years, they live like housemates rather than partners, just waiting for kids to leave home...' yada yada? You've gone and given yourself away to a lying stinking rat and now wondering why he's not just available to woo you like a single man would be? I fear you've been gullible and naive at best but otherwise complicit in potentially destroying a family unit at worst. Not much sympathy from me I'm afraid.

He doesn’t want you - that’s why you’re feeling like you do.

Why and in which ways did you think an older man would be more straightforward?

I read it as everything is good between you, you both had a nice night but that's it - he's not said he wants more for now. I suspect it it could happen again when you next cross paths and you need to be careful you don't end up in a situationship.

Hes just not into you in that way. In his mind you’ve had a bit of casual fun and that’s as far as it goes.

A lot of people who come out of long marriages are just looking for a bit of light relief and that’s all he probably wants right now

Leave him be. If he really wanted more than sex, he’d have let you know in no uncertain terms.

It was an ONS, assuming no actual discussion was had re going further neither of you has done anything wrong.

Wow, projecting much?

Well, I know of course he's an older man to you as you're in your 30s, but the reality here is that he's just another bloke and you shouldn't assign any characteristics or mystical qualities to him that you wouldn't do to say, a man of 35. I say that as someone married to a man of 52 - trust me, he's the same as he ever was!

He sounds perhaps a little more married that he's led you to believe and this sounds like a one nighter to me. So it's time to just hold your head up high and do not send any further messages to him. Treat this like a fun one night stand (if you're able to) or learn from it and don't rush things in future as there's always this chance they'll just fancy one off sec which runs the risk of you feeling like you do right now

Who told you he's separated from his wife? Does he still live with her? If so he's a lying, cheating pig.

I doubt very much he is actually separated.

Regardless of his status he has enjoyed a ONS with you and that’s it.

No good healthy relationship that ends "happily ever after" starts like this.

Look at how you feel - he is not making you feel good or happy. You feel doubt nerves insecurity.... thats all telling you something.

Do whatever you need to but do not have any sexual contact or any verbal or written communication with that is anything other than work related.

People underestimate how traumatic going through a divorce is. It really throws peoples compasses off.

Stay away from this guy and throw yourself into something / anything to stop focusing on him. Gym / a hobby / bake / binge watch a tv series whatever....

Also agree with othwrs he is "more married" than you think

You could consider thats he's nervous about how you considered your time together, much as you are. Say he's bowled over, doesn't quite believe you would be serious about him as an older man, and is struggling to find out how to make the next move towards you. He may consider your age one at which you wish to keep single or not consider getting serious. I'm a male of that age and might read that into your "just checking we're good" message. Maybe meet for a chat, for you deserve to communicate with each other if you got on so well?

@Bemorebonobo yeah alright.

He doesn't want to have a relationship with you.

A ONS is one thing, but he's not that into you.

I suspect he knew you were up for it (having a relationship) so a ONS was perfect for him.

The age thing is really irrelevant.

How do you know he’s separated? Did he tell you? Does he still live with his wife?

The age gap is grim.

If he wanted anything more with you he would make it clear. He doesn't so just treat him like your colleague that he is.

I'm sorry to say this but it was just an opportunistic casual sex for him. Please don't he his standby entertainment.

How much detail did he give you on this 'separation'? Timescale? Living arrangements?

If not much at all, I would expect a "we're giving it another go" text as his reason not to persue things with you. Stops him looking like a shit and risking the fallout.

In my experience, when a man wants you, you are in no doubt at all.
He wouldn't be leaving you wondering..and potentially taking your sex to a. n. other💐

"we're good" just means "I don't feel any awkwardness about having slept with you and I won't be weird when we next meet"

If you'd wanted to know how he felt you shouldn't have sent an ambivalent question.

You're only just out of a relationship and he's probably still in one.

You need time to process your divorce. Sometimes the best thing to get over a man is to get under another, but I think you are in danger of throwing your lot in with another idiot.

As for older men being more reliable and straightforward- I give you the recently outed ' nicest man in Rock' Dave Grohl.

No, not projecting. I Just have zero tolerance for naivety especially when it results in whinging and potentially damaging another family unit.

I thought the same!

I completely agree with you, and with your previous comment.