Ex got the friends in the split

[Tillybud81]

I split with my exP about 18 months ago, all very civil. It was his house so I moved out and back in with my mum to another town about 30 mins away.

Part of my reason for the split was his lack of motivation to do very much, was happy to sit in front of the TV night after night and nver socialise much. We had a decent group of friends (well they were my freinds really as he's not long moved here from another country) but he'd always make excuses not to go out, make comments along the lines of oh such and such does my head in, he's a tit etc, etc. All these people are in the same town we were (he is) and live within walking distance basically. Most meetups revolved around the pub too (ex isn't really a drinker either). As I say I moved away and lost touch with most of them, excpet my best freind who's part of the group. I couldn't face being there it was all a bit too much after our split.

Anyway roll on to more recently and he's the life and soul of the party, always out, always drinking and part of all the whatsapp groups he wanted nothing to do with before. All these people he'd moan about he's mates with now. I mean i get that his alternative is sitting home alone, but it's like he's a different person than I knew for 10 years.

It just kind of kicks that I've really struggled with loneliness and meeting new friends in the last year and he's just stepped into the life I wanted for us both and got all the friends. He even hangs out with my best friend fgs. It makes me feel like it was somehow me that was stopping him or something.

I don't really know what I'm asking and if it makes sense, just venting mostly. Anyone else experienced similar?

Sounds really odd.

Hate to say it but I wonder if he had been unfaithful and avoided going out in case he was recognised by friends of her or even bumping into her?

I can't think of any other reason really!

What? That's a very MN take on it!

No he'd definitely not been unfaithful, just a miserable bugger

I can imagine it’s galling. In another way it was your choice to move away so maybe he is happier and more motivated if you two had been struggling for a while? That happens sometimes when people break up . Hope you meet someone and get a new tribe x

I think that when you were together and he had company on tap with you he didn't particularly need anyone. Now he doesn't have you to provide him with company he has seen the need to get out and socialise with others.

However, I would be dubious that these people he is now mixing with are friends in the real sense of the word. My first DH was the life and soul of the party. Always out drinking. But that's all his " friends " were: drinking companions. When the chips were down he was by himself - eg at Christmas when they were with their families that was him having to spend Christmas day by himself, if he was unwell then he was by himself.

It may be a struggle for you OP but I'm sure you build a new set of meaningful friendships. Quality is much mor important than shallow "friendships" of convenience.

That sounds absolutely gutting.

I hereby authorise you to spend a good solid week feeling sorry for yourself and licking your wounds.

Then, once it's out of your system, go out and cultivate your hobbies. Join groups associated with your interests. Let the rest develop naturally.

And sod the miserable buggers who done you wrong. Just sod 'em!

Not quite the same thing but my ex and I had the same group of friends. Initially made through my ex playing darts.
We were together 9 years and I ended up becoming friends with them.
I also became closer friends with some of them.
We would hang out together and I also did things with them without my ex.
We would go on holiday with each other as well.
When me and my ex broke up I stopped playing darts and they all stopped speaking to me.
I spent 18 months trying to remain friends but they always had one excuse or another or just didn't get back to me.
After 18 months I gave up and moved on.
15 years later I am pretty sure they are all still friends with my ex.

Probably just until he snags another woman and then he'll revert back to being a miserable homebody again.

Thanks for all your replies.

The stupid thing is I could quite easily go to the pub and hang out with them all (including the ex) and have a really good time and they'd all be fine with me, it's just me that now feels like I'm treading on his toes and seeing his friends.

It's just shit breaking up with someone basically isn't it? I just feel so lonely sometimes and miss all their company. It's bloody hard to make new friends in your 40s