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Original poster

Major red flag??????

53 replies

beauty45 · 15/09/2024 20:40

Hello... I've been seeing a new man , well for over a year now....
I have 2 teen daughters who spend time with friends / their dads / my mum etc when they aren't with me.

Anyway... I stayed at my boyfriends the other weekend when the girls were staying at my mums...

Sunday came and it was time for me to leave & fetch them from my mums (40 min drive) he hugged me and said can't you just abandon them and leave them with your mum? In a jokey voice but I've gone off him since.

You wouldn't say this even as a joke would you??????
My girls are my heart & soul it just rang alarm bells for me.

He has no kids x

OP posts:
Bibi12 · 16/09/2024 10:01

gardenmusic · 16/09/2024 09:48

I would sit with it for a while.
I had one who jokingly didn't want me to take my brother for his daily radiotherapy for cancer. 'Can't someone else do it?' The jokes became strops. He became history.

Completely different situation.

Bestyearever2024 · 16/09/2024 10:01

I think a one off comment in 12 months isn't a red flag

The fact that you've gone off him because of his comment indicates to me that there are other things that you're concerned about regarding the relationship, and you've protected everything onto this comment

Cupooee · 16/09/2024 10:02

Likely a joke but if it has turned you off him, time to leave things.
I think you may have been looking for an out.

Levithecat · 16/09/2024 10:09

It sounds like you have reservations / you’re just not that into him.

i wouldn’t see this as a red flag at all (in isolation)

category12 · 16/09/2024 10:14

Bibi12 · 16/09/2024 10:01

Completely different situation.

Show quote history

Not really- the point was, what started as an apparently "jokey" moan about the woman's other commitments was actually a real resentment of her other commitments.

RedHelenB · 16/09/2024 10:20

Levithecat · 16/09/2024 10:09

It sounds like you have reservations / you’re just not that into him.

i wouldn’t see this as a red flag at all (in isolation)

This. I'd have laughed and said I could be tempted if I'd had a good weekend with him.

MonsteraMama · 16/09/2024 10:43

I think you're being a tad dramatic. It's a joke. I've joked about similar with my husband, we definitely don't actually want to abandon our child.

To be honest though if something as innocuous as this was enough to put you off, you were never that into him in the first place, so probably best to bow out anyway!

gardenmusic · 16/09/2024 10:57

Not really- the point was, what started as an apparently "jokey" moan about the woman's other commitments was actually a real resentment of her other commitments.

Exactly. One or two jokes hmm, might even giggle, ongoing and it needs to be looked at a little differently.

Chewbecca · 16/09/2024 11:00

That comment isn't a red flag to me at all, it just means he loved spending time with you.

Are there other reasons you've gone off him?

Bibi12 · 16/09/2024 11:11

category12 · 16/09/2024 10:14

Not really- the point was, what started as an apparently "jokey" moan about the woman's other commitments was actually a real resentment of her other commitments.

Show quote history

Maybe for you. For me , joking about a woman having to support her brother through radiotherapy is completely different and it's not something people do. Completely different contexts and situation.

Stresshead84x · 16/09/2024 12:44

Sounds like a joke, i say to my OH all the time lets ditch work and have a duvet day, we don't actually.

Depends on the context and how he said it of course.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 16/09/2024 12:58

If I were him it would definitely put me off you that an off the cuff comment meant to make you understand he really enjoyed spending time with you was interpreted as a dig at your kids.

Original poster
beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

OP posts:
mewkins · 16/09/2024 13:12

I think re your update it would puy me off him. He sounds selfish.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 16/09/2024 13:13

beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

Well that's a bit of drip feeding isn't it? As many people have said, the comment once off, as a standalone, is just a joke. As part of a longer-term campaign, not so much. It sounds like it's the latter.

Bibi12 · 16/09/2024 13:14

beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

Why didn't you write that in your OP? It completely changes the narrative and yes, it is a red flag.

Starlight1979 · 16/09/2024 13:20

beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

Ah classic MN dripfeed 😂

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 16/09/2024 13:56

beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

Well - if you wanted me to agree with you then maybe you should have posted all of that instead of the one innocuous thing in your OP?

Treesinthewind · 16/09/2024 14:38

Dump him. I was telling my ex that my 7 year old had been sleepwalking/talking and he said 'I really don't know how you cope with him fulltime. Would drive me crazy.' I'm embarrassed to say I didn't end things then and it dragged out for another 6 months!

Secondstart1001 · 16/09/2024 14:47

You update makes me have concerns. He does see you and the kids as a package and seems he doesn’t understand they are your priority.

I’ve been at my dps house and was meant to go back today. He he was going to lock the doors so I couldn’t go and I know that’s because he misses me. But he’s never said anything like this to me about my kids and if he did then yes, he would be out on his arse. Your initial post suggested jest / missing you but your additional post is concerning.

Secondstart1001 · 16/09/2024 14:48

Sorry ! I meant he does not see you and your kids as a package.

Bestyearever2024 · 16/09/2024 15:08

beauty45 · 16/09/2024 13:05

It would put you off me??????? This isn't the only times he said stuff. He has asked me to leave the kids alone all night and stay at his house. I said what about burglars and fires?? And he took the right ump. So no. It wasn't a one off. Trust me my humour is sick and dark in the class clown. I'm far from vanilla and miserable

Well there we are

No.....his comment the other day ISN'T a red flag as a one off

But everything you've NOW said , indicates to me that you should end the relationship for good

Meanwhile33 · 16/09/2024 15:42

Yes based on your update, I’d definitely end things with him. He resents sharing you with your kids, he doesn’t care about their welfare, and he sulks when he doesn’t get his own way. 3 red flags.

MermaidEyes · 16/09/2024 15:43

Ah classic MN dripfeed 😂

Always 😆

Out of interest OP how old are your teens? Maybe he just assumes they're old enough to be left alone. If they're 13/15, not really. 17/19, absolutely.

offyoujollywelltrot · 16/09/2024 15:46

Get rid of him. He sounds like a prize wanker.

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