Control Or Dysfunctional Relationship

[Milkandhoney80]

I have an unusual situation and am keen on people's thoughts.

With DP for 9 years, unmarried, no kids both by choice. Both have decent jobs, no joint finances. Whilst our house is our home, the house was bought by me in his preferred location. We agreed this would only be for a couple of years and we would move and get a home jointly... I trusted him and expected this would happen.

6-7 years on and same situation, no joint home in same town. We have had many arguments about moving, he won't agree on anything. I give up asking. DP’s financial situation 2-3 yrs ago, he has a high income and savings (which I respect fully are his). But he could now be on the mortgage/joint owner and we could have a home together somewhere that suits us both. Contrary to his words, there is never any genuine will/desire despite knowing I don't like where I am and never have felt settled.

When I got with DP he did gas light and control after moving in. I put this down to him being stressed with work. I didn’t want my relationship to fail, the mortgage was then a burden. DP can be very charming and loving and I do love him. This behaviour stopped a couple of years ago and things are better.

DP does contribute fairly, and is not mean financially. I find it hard to see the wood for the trees and maybe should just carry on. Is it important? I know fine well, this is my making and that I am fortunate not to be experiencing any true hardship.

He's not a partner who has the same dreams and goals in life, you are just rubbing along which is fine until one of you becomes resentful at never being able to realise those dreams.

Are you starting to feel resentment and frustration, or has it moved into anger, at having your dreams/goals thwarted for no good reason?

EDIT - I notice you are giving in to everything he wants, does he ever compromise back?

Let's put it another way. The house belongs to you and if you want to put it up for sale and buy a property somewhere else there is nothing stopping you. He has no say in the matter.

What would be his reaction, do you think, if you were to tell him that you were going to sell this house and buy a different one whether he likes it or not?

Thanks for the response @AutumnFroglets

We have indeed moved into a phase of 'rubbing along' as you say. I am frustrated at the situation, especially as we both work hard.

Compromise is not often forthcoming and I do give in. Example; holidays, when I can get him to go, are always on his terms or I go solo.

What do you get out of this relationship?

So basically your entire relationship is in his terms despite the fact it’s YOUR home.

Honestly OP why have you tolerated this pathetic controlling selfish prick for so many years? This won’t get any better.

Dont fall for the sunk costs fallacy. Tell him you’re selling your house and he can choose to move with you or find somewhere else to live. Or better still tell him you’re seeking up and he’s not invited.

@landris Appreciate the post. And, very fair point. Although my tendencies are to seek alignment so I'd be at complete wits end if I did this. Shock, horror and fear of change would likely be the reaction.

To your second point, companionship, stability, support.

What do you want from life, in five years or ten? Do you think you will get there naturally or do you think you are going to have to fight him every step of the way? Or do you think you would have to end the relationship to achieve your hope of a better future?

Do you think you would look back on your life and have regrets?

I re-read your OP. Did his gaslighting and control stop when you stopped trying and gave in instead? You know that's called being trained to behave, right?

You don't have to answer here but please think carefully and be honest with yourself. Only you know if this man is worth giving up your future for, and whether you could be happy or resentful over it.