comfort or needyness

[shewolfmum]

hmmm. I get stuck with emotional stuff in my relationship and can't often work things out - can you help me? I have been unwell with a horrid cold for 2 weeks, maybe a bit longer and the other day just felt so sorry for myself. My head was bunged - coughing etc etc and had whooping cough end of last year so feel like I am eternaly unwell. I just had enough the other day, sat on the floor in the kitchen and had a good cry. Now, my other half came in to the room, he had been in there I think and then went out, and just carried on chopping his veg. I wasn't balling, but anyone could have told I was upset. He didn't comfort me. My 12 year old came to the room for a drink and saw me and started crying too and giving me a hug and asking me what was wrong. I think she is mortified that he was just ignoring it! We have spoken about it today, he says I am doing it to look for him to check in on my, like a test. I am not knowingly doing this, it is possible, I am exploring some feelings of being loveless during my childhood, he can't understand why i needed comfort, says i would just be alright by myself. I just can't imagine not comforting someone who was upset, for whatever reason. Anyone got any thoughts on this?

I think every now and again most people need a bit of comfort from the person they are supposedly in a loving relationship with - particularly when a person isn't feeling well or they are going through a bad patch. I don't see that as being needy. I see it as being normal. Why be in a relationship at all if showing your partner you care about them is not part of that relationship?

I think to walk in a room where your partner is sitting obviously upset and crying and just to ignore them, ignore their distress is really heartless. It would make me question how much they cared about me.

There have been so many threads on MN where an OP has been unwell and their partners have not cared at all: not offered any normal physical help or emotional comfort. It makes me question whether some men are actually capable of empathy or caring for another human being.

oh interesting...has there? I thought it was only me stuck in an odd relationship. Seems so odd to me to not show care at that moment, I would throw myself to the ground and comfort in a very dramatic way, just don't understand it myself. thank you anyone for your reply. His mother is needy. I wonder if that just triggers him...

I'm trying to feel sympathy OP but you had a cold, threw yourself on the floor and wept. It seems very dramatic. Are you often weeping? because I could understand getting fed up with it.

If you were actually going through something difficult and he didn't show any sympathy then I would think about leaving him because he obviously doesn't care.

My ex was like that. He thought me being upset or being in tears was some sort of manipulation tactic on my part that I was deliberately using to make him feel bad. He would either ignore it, or pick an argument and make me feel even worse. Bastard.

I think it's cruel to ignore someone who's crying. I wouldn't do it, whether I felt you were justified in crying or not.

Is he always like this?

Yes, I'm always suspicious of people who think others put emotions on for attention. Makes me think they do it themselves.

Oh he did that too. He used to say that it was my fault for making him angry, so it had to be my fault he would have these violent and aggressive outbursts. Of course he would then launch into the crocodile tears, saying that he was a terrible person and hated himself for hitting me, but would then turn it around and blame me for making him hate himself. I was forever treading on eggshells.

He'd also make a point of starting an argument just as we were about to go out and meet friends or family, in order to ruin it for me.

I wish MN had existed in those days. Maybe I would have found out about how abusers tick, and found the strength to leave him years sooner.

If it were a test, then he failed!
Should have give you a hug 🤗
Here's one 🥰

I physically cannot imagine walking into a room, seeing someone I love sat on the floor crying, and just walking out again.

Of course you'll get the usual Mumsnet Bootstrap Brigade over exaggerating and saying "well if you were swooning on the ground weeping I'd ignore you too!" but I think it's generally best to ignore them. They're the same people who think a brisk walk can cure chronic depression.

I wouldn't be with someone who didn't care if I was crying.

My ex was like this. Any time I cried in front of him he would ignore or try to make a joke. And I would cry over serious issues, like almost losing my house, my dog dying, losing a job. He was a heartless fuck and one of the many reasons why we are not together

To be honest I think sitting on the floor and crying in view of your child because you've got a cold is a bit dramatic. It's not nice for your kid to see you in that condition. I do think maybe you should've gone upstairs to the bedroom or somewhere private. Of course your husband should be sympathetic if you're unwell.
But crying on the kitchen floor indicates something like a really bad tragedy or mental breakdown. I wouldn't expect someone to do that just because they weren't feeling well. I do hope you are feeling better soon though.
If there's more to it then could you look into seeing a counsellor?

That was my thought as well, but then I had a mum who would be sat in the dark crying when I came home from school so I am projecting of course as I am very damaged! think context is everything - how often are you doing this and is part of you hoping he will see how unhappy you are (which would be understandable) and give comfort. If it's just that you want comfort/looking after then words are sometimes better ie I am feeling very fragile partner, can you do x for me. It is odd though in the moment to not comfort someone you love and ask questions later - anything could have happened, you could have been crying as you'd been assaulted. I think you do owe your daughter an explanation ie sometimes people just feel sad but not her job to comfort although it was nice of her.

Its one thing to not fall on the ground next to you and give you cuddles... but to totally ignore you is aggressive imo. He could have at least asked you whats was wrong and offered verbal support.He ignored you to make a point and hurt you. That's just Nasty

I was crying once over something my ex did. I'd been trying to talk to him about his behaviour which I d found hurtful. Anyway he said he'd got to go as he'd got a long journey ahead (one of his many family events which I was never invited to). I imagine someone I love crying (like my sister or daughter) and I could never just walk away.

I'm glad you did leave.

Yes, they love to make others responsible for their own actions! Best place for people like that is the bin.

@TorroFerney thank you. I'm sorry about what happened to you in your past. I do think adults have a responsibility to hold in their emotions a bit around their kids.
As you say, they might fear you'd been assaulted, someone had died, you were having a nervous breakdown etc.
I do know what it's like for emotion to get the better of you though.

Sorry it was more your partner not checking why you were crying to rule out anything terrible first rather than just assume it was nothing. That’s not loving behaviour.