Lack of sex due to kids?

Lemonmelon1 · 15/09/2024 10:07

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 10:01

We are both 30 and been together 5 years. We've got a 4 year old and 1 year old. We're great companions however there is a huge lack of sex in our relationship. I understand things can slow down when you have young children however my confidence/self esteem is extremely low - my husband never tries to have sex with me and when we talk about it says he's just tired.

I don't want to give up but struggling to figure out how to get through this. If anybody has been there please share your experience and any advice/tips

I was with my ex husband for 17 years and we had 3 children. Sex became non existent really. We could go months without.
Now I'm married to my new dh and we have 4 children between us and we have sex around 4 times a week.
It's not the be all and end all but I do think it's such an important part of a relationship.
To say having kids means you don't have time is a cop out I think. My 3 children have additional needs and we still find the time to enjoy each other.
If you're not happy with it have you tried to discuss things with him?

Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 11:09

@Lemonmelon1 thanks for your reply. I've had a few conversations with him within the past year and each time he tells me that he does love me and finds me attractive but he's just tired. I get confused because I don't understand that he says this but then won't initiate anything. I feel embarrassed that I've lost confidence in sex.

Our last conversation I said that we both need to work at it and he said it will just feel forced to him because he's tired from being at work then coming home to the kids.

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/09/2024 11:13

Is there any chance you can have a night away together? Just time to relax and enjoy each other's company without the DC can work wonders. 30 is far too young to give up sex.

Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 11:52

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/09/2024 11:13

Is there any chance you can have a night away together? Just time to relax and enjoy each other's company without the DC can work wonders. 30 is far too young to give up sex.

We haven't so much as gone out together for months, it's hard for us to get childcare. My parents aren't in the picture and my in laws have been living in a different part of the country however they are coming back locally to us next month. I'm hoping we can make some effort to sort some time together

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autumneveningsunlight · 15/09/2024 11:55

I don’t think it’s a cop out at all, because very young children can be extremely tiring. My DD is teething so I’ve been up half the night, then early starts, cooking for them, keeping them entertained and trying to balance a part time job in the mix - it is not a cop out if I’m falling asleep rather than jumping on DH in the evenings!

TenesseeWhiskey · 15/09/2024 11:58

I would 💯 call bullshit on this. You are 30 for Gods sake. Sex is a need which needs to be met, and people go to all lengths to meet this need. Something is seriously wrong somewhere and its time to fix it. Either way u’ll handle this OP, the end result should not be confusing on ur end at least. Be kind to yourself, you have every right to correct this!

Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 12:14

autumneveningsunlight · 15/09/2024 11:55

I don’t think it’s a cop out at all, because very young children can be extremely tiring. My DD is teething so I’ve been up half the night, then early starts, cooking for them, keeping them entertained and trying to balance a part time job in the mix - it is not a cop out if I’m falling asleep rather than jumping on DH in the evenings!

Of course, and I completely agree and understand this. I've been a SAHM for almost 3 years and am also exhausted a lot. However my self esteem has hit rock bottom when it seems I even have to coax my husband to give me a few kisses every now and then. I've had two children and am only 30, I still want to feel desired by my husband

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Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 12:16

TenesseeWhiskey · 15/09/2024 11:58

I would 💯 call bullshit on this. You are 30 for Gods sake. Sex is a need which needs to be met, and people go to all lengths to meet this need. Something is seriously wrong somewhere and its time to fix it. Either way u’ll handle this OP, the end result should not be confusing on ur end at least. Be kind to yourself, you have every right to correct this!

I love this reply, thank you! It's given me strength x

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Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/09/2024 12:22

I would relate more to your DH in this scenario and I know its horrible but exhaustion is not just physical. Dh always thought an early night would sort me out. Looking back I was overwhelmed and both physically and mentally exhausted. My kids were so needy and demanding i just couldn't deal with another adults neediness too.

What you really need is rest and time together, the problem is you can't get that right now.

When DH and I were really exhausted we took turns going away overnight, just to a cheap B&B, a little 24 hour holiday. I would go somewhere quiet and hike and eat, he would golf or go on a city break. It helped us enormously.

For me it was never really about DH or being attracted to him or anyone else, it was burnout. But we did still have sex occasionally out of duty and guilt on my part I admit, but for him it was better than total rejection.

SocksTalk · 15/09/2024 12:27

I'd be willing to bet that the same people who can't find 20 minutes a week for a quick shag, can manage 20 hours every week for social media (and yes I'm including Mumsnet).

Tumbler2121 · 15/09/2024 13:17

Can he still find time and energy for the gym and his mates?

Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 13:40

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/09/2024 12:22

I would relate more to your DH in this scenario and I know its horrible but exhaustion is not just physical. Dh always thought an early night would sort me out. Looking back I was overwhelmed and both physically and mentally exhausted. My kids were so needy and demanding i just couldn't deal with another adults neediness too.

What you really need is rest and time together, the problem is you can't get that right now.

When DH and I were really exhausted we took turns going away overnight, just to a cheap B&B, a little 24 hour holiday. I would go somewhere quiet and hike and eat, he would golf or go on a city break. It helped us enormously.

For me it was never really about DH or being attracted to him or anyone else, it was burnout. But we did still have sex occasionally out of duty and guilt on my part I admit, but for him it was better than total rejection.

This is really good I never thought about this before, I just hope we can bring the spark back

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Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 13:40

Tumbler2121 · 15/09/2024 13:17

Can he still find time and energy for the gym and his mates?

He doesn't go to the gym but he will book a day off work to go and play golf

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Honest00lad · 15/09/2024 15:09

How was it when you first met?

Original poster

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 15:22

Honest00lad · 15/09/2024 15:09

How was it when you first met?

Great, we had sex frequently and went on lots of dates however I got pregnant with my first child very quickly and then lockdown hit so we were thrust into things very intensely

OP posts:

Honest00lad · 15/09/2024 15:26

abcdmyusername · 15/09/2024 15:22

Great, we had sex frequently and went on lots of dates however I got pregnant with my first child very quickly and then lockdown hit so we were thrust into things very intensely

Show quote history

The honeymoon period doesn't last. It's inevitable that there is a decline. But this decline is very steep given that it's only been 5 years together, and you are only 30.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 15:30

So by those calculations you were together for three months before getting pregnant and then becoming parents? Maybe he has always had a lower sex drive and whilst it didn’t seem like it initially, you weren’t together long enough to really know if you were compatible.

Gertrudetheadelie · 15/09/2024 15:38

Kids are tiring and cause burn out/the feeling of being over touched. There is a difference too between flopping on the sofa in a daze and reading Mumsnet and feeling sexy and lively enough to get in the headspace for intercourse! For some people sex is super important, for others a dip is okay and not a problem. Depends where you and your DH are and if you are happy compromising for each other.

Honest00lad · 15/09/2024 15:40

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 15:30

So by those calculations you were together for three months before getting pregnant and then becoming parents? Maybe he has always had a lower sex drive and whilst it didn’t seem like it initially, you weren’t together long enough to really know if you were compatible.

That could be the case.
Or perhaps he has a high sex drive but isn't attracted to his partner. This can happen over time and it's not a reflection on the other person being unattractive, just can happen

SleeplessInWherever · 15/09/2024 15:48

Unfortunately, I think it’s a real thing.

We’ve only got the 1, a 7 year old with complex needs. Quite often at the moment we don’t actually sleep in the same bed.

But even before that, our days quite often start in what is really the middle of the night, and then are super busy. By the end of those days, I barely feel like a human being, nevermind sexy. Honestly, we’re both just too tired to even consider it.

When do get a childfree night, or treat ourselves to a night away - still amazing. But the rest of the time, we genuinely are too tired.

DixonD · 15/09/2024 15:59

SocksTalk · 15/09/2024 12:27

I'd be willing to bet that the same people who can't find 20 minutes a week for a quick shag, can manage 20 hours every week for social media (and yes I'm including Mumsnet).

Yep. I think the tired excuse is absolute nonsense. I do literally everything at home, all kid stuff etc. All he has to do is work, and I’ve had the tired excuse from him for years.

No one is THAT tired, at least not 24/7.

In my situation, I just assume the most obvious answer is the right one (as it usually is) and I’ve gone with that. It’s up to him now to convince me otherwise.

Sorry OP, but I know how you’re feeling. I’m 42 now, and this started when I was your age. Note - it has NOT got better.

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/09/2024 19:39

I'm kind of on the fence with if its a cop out. Small children are totally exhausting, nothing like dealing with the aftermath of a child being up for most of the night. I'm in my 40s now with two teenagers, I'm definitely have more regular sex now than I did when they were small.

However, I do think in hindsight you can adapt and find different ways to do stuff. I believe my ex and I used to have sex not long after the children were asleep, ie at the start of the night not the end at around 7 or 8 and not 10/11pm at night. that worked well for me. I also don't think leaving it until you have got in to bed is the right time to talk about it as you are both really tired. You probably need to forward plan, for example use nap time or let your older one sit downstairs in front of the tv with whatever snacks they need while you spend time together upstairs.