Who is in the wrong?

[Abstractthinking]

I think DH has lied to me. He can prove whether he is telling me the truth by showing me his internet bank statement. He is refusing. I am saying that the marriage is over unless he shows me.

A month ago me and dd stayed at a friend's overnight. Dh stayed at home and told me he had gone to pub A. Next day we went to pub B. I asked for a certain bottled beer. The barman said "we don't have any left after Dh drink them all last night". Anyway the topic came up last night. Dh insists he only had 1 beer and left the pub immediately, then went to pub A. I said the barman wouldn't have said that unless dh had had more than 1. Hence, me demanding to see his internet banking.

It gets a lot more complicated. Dh had a brief affair 18 months ago with a barmaid from pub B. She was working that night. That is why he didn't tell that he was there. Also why he said he only stayed for 1 realised she was there and then left.

He has lied to me a lot. When I dig i can get to the truth sometimes. As in physical proof. But he stonewalls me if I have no physical proof.

I don't actually care that he went to pub B. I don't care if he stayed for 1 beer or 10. But because I can't believe him about 1 beer, i can't trust what he did later when he knew me and dd were away the whole night.

After the affair, i was very clear - no lying. Also after a huge argument (he stayed out to 3:30 at a "lock in"), he agreed very begrudgingly to put life360 on his phone.

He hates this. He calls it a tracker. I say you agreed to it. Take it off if you don’t want it. But he keeps on. He left his phone at home that night. I checked.

I have told him by not showing me his internet banking, he is choosing to end
the marriage. He says that he can not live with me being so suspicious all the time.

Note that i believe he has been unfaithful before. Staying out all night for "lock ins". I just can't prove it.

I know that I am really pathetic keeping him in my life. I know the marriage should have died years ago. He says this and this why he is refusing to show me his Internet banking. I feel like I am crazy. I love my flat, I love where I live, I love my daughter and my dog. If we split, my whole world ends. I am so so so pathetic because all I want is to be loved and happy.

I am so so so pathetic because all I want is to be loved and happy.

You're not pathetic and that's what most people want. But you're not going to find love and happiness with this man, are you?

The trust has gone. Your flogging the dead horse. Move on and be happy without all this

🌹 You poor thing x

I’m a great believer in trying to make marriages work. Yours is sadly over and I see no way back after this affair. It’s very rare for relationships to survive affairs and he isn’t on board.

He’s so completely wrong but a whole bunch of things, what a bastard. I think, and I think you know in your heart of hearts, that your marriage is over. He’s taking you for a fool and that’s so hurtful. You know you deserve better 💐

While the logistics of divorce are tough you have a lot to gain, no longer living with doubt, lies, disrespect, this ongoing betrayal and pain.

Thank you for being so kind. It is killing me. I knew a point like this would be reached.

Surely you know your marriage is over. You just have to find the strength to face the reality and make things happen that needs to happen. Putting everything else you have told us aside if my husband told me he agreed our marriage should have died years ago, that would be all I needed to know to walk away.
He stopped choosing you and your marriage when he made those choices he did during last two years. Don't let your fear hold you from making the decisions that open your life for something new that serves you better in a long run.

He doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you.

Ltb and don't look back.. He isn't a good man.

OP this post made me sad because all you want is to be loved but you’re wasting your life clinging to a man who doesn’t love you and treats you like a doormat. Unfortunately you don’t trust him but you’ve basically given him the green light to keep mugging you off and you’ll roll over and take whatever he throws at you just to keep him.

This isn’t a living partnership OP and you know that. Leaving is hard but is this what you want for the rest of your life? And think about the example you’re setting for your daughter that it’s ok to let a man treat you like a fool over and over again.

Please find it in you to make all away from this man before he destroys you.

What an absolute bastard. He's not only cheating but psychologically abusing you.

I know it's hard but leave. You will be so much happier.

Is the flat in his name? Owned or rented? Your post sounds like you have to leave your home, why?

The marriage is over so you need to start taking practical steps of separation, go see a solicitor first. Make sure you are protected.

You will find happiness again, the version just might look different to the image you have in your mind.

The flat is owned by both of us. The mortgage is too high for only one of to pay. It very likely that it would have to be sold. We will have to move out of the area and dd change schools. We are 50:50 with everything. Came into the marriage with nothing. Build up savings together. Earn the same amount.

I am trying to build up the strength. Some people can say "fuck you" and walk off. It feels like I have fingernails clinging onto a wall inside me. But at least I tried. In some ways, he is better because he is finishing it. Death by cop. (I still think he is absolute dick though.)

It's just fear and that's to be completely expected. Let the fear be what it may, respect it even, but start to focus on your own courage, faith and belief in yourself x