How do DH and I go NC with his younger sibling

[ginger2026]

DH has an extremely toxic younger sister who picks arguments every time we speak to her. She lives with her mum, has now taken over many rooms in the house which she fills with junk, even drills random holes in the walls and has so much junk in her room that she now shares a bed with MIL. She is 26 and she does have aspergers/adhd but her mum refuses to seek treatment.

It was because of her condition plus the fact that MIL allowing us to live for 3 years in her home (allowed us to buy a London flat in our 20s) which made us feel like we have to repay MIL by being v nice to her. Tbh she is very needy and glues herself to MIL, every time we call MIL or even invite MIL, MIL allows her to tag along or puts her on speaker phone. Even if SIL makes her late by an hour, MIL would allow to tag along. When the other SIL visited London with her fiance and DH and I took leave to take her to Brighton, the other SIL also copied her mum's parenting technique and took her to Brighton and the first thing she did was demand to be taken to the shopping centre to buy a swimming costume even though she had 3 swimming costumes offered to her which kinda ruined the morning as obviously the whole group of 5 people had to tag along or it would be seen as 'abandonment'. My DH suggested leaving the 26 year old at the shopping centre to sort it out while we went to the beach and his other sister screamed at him for being abusive/unkind even though we all agreed that the swimming costume debacle was ridiculous, just that it is apparently the family policy to pander to this SIL. Not because of the aspergers which no one even acknowledges but just because.

Tbh SiL was quite unbearable when we lived with her and would pick fights with us at the dinner table. Thankfully she was younger then (younger than 18) and I used to 'bribe' her by buying her coca cola and treats for a peaceful life.Unfortunately she is older now and earns a bit of spare cash writing online which is great for her but means my bribes of buns from gails bakery and Rose milkshakes don't have any effect anymore, she now wants flights to southeast Asia and drops hints from time to time (we did once pay for her to fly to my home country in southeast asia for my wedding as we wanted MIL there and MIL couldn't afford it and it was another 2 for 1 offer).

I have also come to the realisation that it is MIL we are grateful to, not her. I used to encourage DH to be kind to her as I felt that it was good for DH to be close to his family.. Tbh DH's sisters have both moved abroad and barely see her or MIL, we see them a lot as we all live in London. Also I think it's bad for DH's mental health and he admitted that (he is under a lot of work stress and is in therapy for that which is paid for by his company health insurance so recognised as an essential). While we will always he grateful to MIL, I am not sure it should extend to MIL's frankly weird way of attachment parenting a 26 year old and if she wants to do that, that is not really our business but that doesn't mean we need to be shouted at over the dinner table or phone on a weekly basis. In any case I have tried my best to be nice to her for the past 9 years I have been married to DH and frankly perhaps there are limits.

I think the best thing is to go LC or NC but not really sure how to do that. I think dh would still benefit from a good relationship with his mum even though it can be a toxic dynamic but as for the SIL I am less sure. In fact us going NC may also allow MIL to realise that she is basically low contact with 3 of her children and that can't just be a coincidence. The other 2 moved away as soon as they could and barely come home. They have done this despite having no financial plan which is why the other 2 SILs are now living with their inlaws as they cannot afford to rent/had to move to their DH's home countries as a result despite being 29 and 32 respectively.

I probably would get a lot of flak about this because of the aspergers and in the past mumsnetters have advised me to be kind to her and help her be less isolated. However whatever I can isn't helping and the crux is her mum refuses to get her therapy or mental health support. That is something I or DH will never be able to change.

@ginger2026 What's your own family dynamic like and what does your DH think of it? Is he as critical of your family as you are of his?

Did you go abroad with little financial resources and have to sacrifice several years of living independently to build up to a more secure financial position? Have you received financial support from your parents or siblings at any point?

It sounds like your DH's commitment to supporting his family is incredibly important to him if it came as part of the deal in your marriage. I wonder how much he's struggling, wanting to honour that in some way while being under pressure from his wife to cut ties with his family because she evidently doesn't like or approve of them and now you've "changed your mind as a couple".

You don't have to be so intimately involved in this. Cutting financial ties is one thing, cutting personal and familial ties is quite another and a lot of your grievances here seem to be motivated by very personal criticism and intolerance rather than wanting to support your DH to detach in a less detrimental way and create healthier family interactions, which could ultimately have more positive knock-on effects for you, your DH and your marriage.

Everyone knows SIL is a problem, all her other siblings also complain about it but they also live abroad so don't deal with it. When my other SIL was having her first child, she invited her mother to be there for the birth of her first child and of course this SIL tagged along. Apparently when she was there, they would prepare food for her and call out to her outside the bedroom but she would not come out. When she does come out 2 hours later, she would throw a massive tantrum. She also threw tantrums at being excluded from gatherings with friends and just 1 week before SIL's birth, she accused BIL of breaking up the family. MIL also says SIL is difficult but there is no solution other than pandering to her.

No i don't care about the house, I own my home in London. The problem SIL has is inherited, her father and grandfather are exactly the same as well..yonatan's aunt spends her life running after her father and has now been run ragged after many years esp now that grandpa is 94 years old. She does a lot more than us, we visit once a week or every 2 weeks (he is upset when we don't come and help him with little chores and keep him company), and he is quite difficult and demands a lot more of her, she seems to be more of a maid. She is now incredibly frustrated, and I decided I don't want to grow up to be like that, she advised us to put up boundaries.. Dh's dad went off to Thailand with his 100k from the divorce, DH gets constant family pressure to call him ( I once got a call at work from an aunt telling me dh only had 1 father and needs to speak to him so separating myself from this is an unrealistic suggestion). This father went off to Thailand when the youngest was only 15, has only been back once when his mum died (and his parents paid for the air ticket) and also threatened not to grant a religious divorce (separate from the civil one) unless MIL gave him half of the house (4 kids and he hadn't worked in years, but thankfully he only got 25% and MIL used her dad's money to buy him out plus took another mortgage).

I don't mind if it's just money actually.. but the supporting family with money part actually hasn't materialised mainly cos MIL has paid off the mortgage and the sisters went abroad. During the pandemic , DH wanted to give £10k to MIL (just in case) and I 100% supported it as she was a freelancer. She rejected it as she said she was fine

My SIL went to Israel which is a difficult place to live even for people with money and the benefits run out quickly, DH didn't agree with that so only gave a few hundred quid here and there to one as she couldnt sort out the paperwork for benefits. In truth they couldn't stay there long term and had to leave once they found partners and the reason dh didn't think it was a good idea was because moving to Israel is known to be a 'heart decision' and typically uses up so much resources that you end up a lot poorer than when you started so not a good move for someone without family resources. Many families with more resources aka from parents tend to bail out their kids post Israel.

My family don't like DH and as a result I made the decision early on to stay in uk after university. Before I met dh my plan was to go back to my home country

We moved back to London as that was where we realistically could both start our careers. I didn't get financial support post university. When I moved to Europe after university to a European country where dh was doing his masters, we were very poor and living on Dh's student loan. Thankfully those days are behind us.

@ginger2026 No self reflection at all, just more kvetching and judgemental tirades about your DH's family and their life choices which don't meet your standards. Your segue into your SIL making Aliyah was disdainful and completely irrelevant. Appallingly indiscreet and so disrespectful of your in-laws' right to privacy to post highly identifiable personal and financial details about them all over Mumsnet.

If you regret choosing to stay away from your home country because your family don't like your DH, it's not fair to punish him for your decision or your family's behaviour by seeking to alienate him from his family. If you want him to disengage from his family, would you disengage similarly from yours if you moved back to your home country with him? Would he insist that you did? You sound dissatisfied and resentful but you also sound ambitious and determined- you could go anywhere and do anything rather than remain so enmeshed in a culture and family dynamic that are obviously just not for you.

As for this: ( I once got a call at work from an aunt telling me dh only had 1 father and needs to speak to him so separating myself from this is an unrealistic suggestion). When my MIL calls or messages me to complain about her and SIL not seeing more of their son/brother I don't engage, because my OH is a grown man, I'm not his keeper and I've no interest in micromanaging his family relationships or his life. Separating yourself from this is not unrealistic at all unless you don't want to.

Anyway, if every suggestion is going to be met with another long faultfinding tale about your in-laws' personal and financial histories, I don't see much point in continuing so best of luck with it all.

You clearly despise your in-laws and are still obsessing about money. What did you hope to gain from this thread, and why have you just outed your DH?