What is controlling?

[Kea6]

Ok what classes as control.
. I would never want to control anyone. Is it controlling to ask
where have gone? (When you thought someone went the toilet but actually left the house)
Do you have any plans for the day? (Over morning coffee)
Are you coming home tonight? (After being mia for hours)
Is it controlling to be annoyed when someone signs off work sick and doesn’t tell you for a week?
to me I know the answers I feel are right and these are genuine conversations that I’ve been told are controlling mainly I felt to shut me up.
But if it is then I need to be careful in future and address these things if they are indeed control. I feel I’ve been confused on purpose and now I’m entering the dating world I’m more terrified than ever.
I am single for the first time really in 20yrs. I was in a 5yr relationship I outgrew and for the most part it was fine just not the future we wanted. I was never called controlling boring or anything like that not even once.
I was married and in relationship for 15years and this is what’s confusing me. I have been told I’m boring frigid etc what is clearly subjective and I know to be false I have a good sex drive (that resulted in many kids), and numerous hobbies music, gym, drawing, gardening, reading, even a podcast. I fill my time amply so not boring. But the controlling is making me cautious

It’s your ex that sounds controlling. Your spouse has obviously made you question things about yourself.Please don’t.

Thanks I kinda know that but it’s really made me worry I’m differ to how I think I am.

It's more that they were deliberately being secretive so you had to ask, which was entirely reasonable.

Tbh it was just general chit chat like pour brew sit good morning you sleep good? Morning yeah fine
You Got any plans for the day? What’s it got to do with you?
eh? Just asking really?
why so you can control everything now your losing control your gonna get mad?
me 🤔🤷‍♀️😕

He's not working in a partnership with you. Seriously, sack him off and find someone who appreciates you. He doesnt.

I had one of these. It's crazy-making! You're not being controlling: if anyone is, it's him. He controls the amount of information you're allowed to have about your shared life, and then tries to control the questions you're allowed to ask.

My advice to get out before this turns you into a nervous wreck.

Is this a current partner?

For tyw record - no, sharing a general outline of your daybwith your partner, or wanting such an outline, is not controlling. Controlling would be if the other person needed to get "permission" for their plans or was made to feel guilty. Controlling would be having a meltdown if the plans changed for some reason etc.

What he was doing was gaslighting you. And it is meant to confuse you, make you question your perception of reality and set you on edge. The best thing for your mental health is to avoid people like that and ltb.

This is a now ex. Who has told me I was controlling emotional abusive and a gas lighter but the more I think about it and listen I’m starting to realise I am not and that was actually what was being done to me and I have been confused on purpose

How many kids do you have OP?

Sounds like general conversation to me! And it sounds like your ex was deflecting to hide whatever they were planning to do (or had been doing). Could they have been having an affair? It most definitely was not you being controlling - they were trying to make you believe that to get you to stop asking.

Out of curiosity, when did the accusations of being controlling start? I presume early in the relationship your partner had no problems with you asking things like that and would answer honestly?

I have 3 kids.
and yes this was mildly done through the relationship but then basically most conversations were like this for the final three months