Disassociating/feeling outside of my body during sex

[Squirre]

This is a bit of a sensitive one. I'm in a fairly new relationship with someone I've had some past history with. There's nothing wrong in our relationship outside of this. He's wonderful and very loving. My problem is that sometimes I seem to be almost disassociating when we sleep together. I feel almost detached from my body and like my brain wanders off. This isn't everytime but when he's being loving and more romantic it seems worse. With his job and my responsibilities we don't see eachother consistently which isn't a problem but maybe is adding to things? When it's more off the cuff it seems to be ok but when there's a build up that's focused on me, I just can't seem to stay in my body. I don't have any trauma or anything would cause and I just can't understand it. Hoping someone can give me some insight into this as it’s driving me insane. Just to add as well that it's not any skills issue or any lack of attraction...its something wrong with me.

Is it just with him or does this happen with all your partners? Is it only when the attention is on you or does your mind wander when you are giving him attention. You say there's no trauma but is there anything that you can think of that might not be obvious that could be causing this? Do you have trouble 'being in the moment' in other areas of your life? Sorry it's a lot of questions and no answers. Don't feel like you have to reply to these private questions I'm just offering my ideas on what might help.

Sounds like there's no chemistry and what he's doing isn't working for you.

I am considering hypnotherapy for this exact issue. Hypnotherapy has been recognised by the British Medical Association since 1965. I had it before for a couple of different issues and it worked in 5 sessions first time and 10 sessions second time. I haven't made any concrete plans yet. First time I phoned a few people and chose a person I was comfortable talking to even though she didn't have an experience with my particular area. . Second time I went to see her about 8 years later. She is now out of my area, which is why I haven't made concrete plans yet.

Are you drifting off because you’re bored? Is your brain trying to dissociate the sex from a previously traumatic encounter (him or someone else)? Do you get the feeling that he’s just going through the motions?

@Kosenrufugirl can you do it online with the same person?

The first session we just talked. The other sessions I was lying on a comfortable couch with the lady hypnotist putting me in a trance then offering suggestions which we had both agreed might be helpful (she had great insight). I am not sure it would work the same way online.

I remember the state of hypnosis as a very pleasant state, half way between being awake and being asleep. Some people worry about being made to do things against the will- this is impossible (otherwise there would be no need to build prisons and no need to use waterboarding and other forms of torture - surely CIA had spent some serious money exploring this possibility).

@sunflowersngunpowdr I haven't really had many partners. He's the only person I've been with since my ex husband. Attention on him I'm fine and enjoy, when it's straight in to things and no build up it's great but if it's attention on me, I just can't ... it's definitely a me problem I just don't understand where it's come from? He's also very focused on me in bed which my ex never was so I don't know if this is a new problem or has always been there but never been an issue? I think exdh maybe went down on me three times max and never after dc was born whereas my new partner wants to do that every time and is very affectionate afterwards. Feel like an absolute arse if I'm honest because it's everything I wanted but I can't deal with it?

There's probably a fair bit of non-sex/relationship trauma. My dc is severely disabled & there's been lots of probably unresolved trauma there & I've lost both parents but I wouldn't consider it anything that would cross into my sex life...but maybe there is something going on there. I don't think I could deal with speaking to a therapist about it but I know I need to unpick this before it becomes a big problem.

@Kosenrufugirl that's really interesting about hypnotherapy. Not something I've ever really thought about! How much do you have to speak about things when you do it? I really don't think I'd be able to speak about my sexlife in person to a therapist which is probably not going to help me in the long run!

He's the only person I've been with since my ex husband

I wonder if this is one of the issues? If your ex was a very different sort of partner, perhaps you’re just getting used to the ‘new’

Can you talk openly about sex with your current partner?

@MayaPinion He's very focused on me and that seems to be the trigger for it. It feels so messed up and I don't understand it. I could make sense of it if there was some clear link to something traumatic there isn't. I've got someone whose generous and affectionate and my brain just shuts down instead of being able to enjoy it.

@SmileEachDay I think it's weirding me out a bit because it's so much more than being uncomfortable or awkward. It feels like a completely unreasonably messed up reaction to having someone focus on me?
I'm not going to describe this well but it's like I'm not whole at those points and I'm some outsider squatting in my brain having to actively control my body. I'm having to directly tell myself "you need to move your hips/moan/etc" else I feel like I'd just be a deadweight staring at the ceiling.
I really don't feel like I could talk about it with him as it's just so wildly messed up! 😔

I don’t really mean talk to him about that specifically.

Could you talk about what you like, what you don’t like etc. Something I’ve found with my current partner is that talking really openly about it has made me much more “in the moment” when it happens? It’s like a rehearsal almost. Plus it can be really hot!!

I see what you mean! I could do that - I'd just need to prep what I say as have an awful feeling it will come across as "don't touch me and please leave immediately after" 🙈

OP I kind of used to be like this before realising that I simply don’t enjoy oral sex (on me).

I would just fake enjoyment but it became hard going on my brain.

Whenever I discuss with other females - they often dismiss and say it’s because my partner isn’t very good. I totally dispute this as I’m fortunate to have only had very decent and generous partners.

Nowadays I mention early on I don’t enjoy it at all. It’s a deal breaker for me! Similarly I’ve had partners who really don’t like to receive either but never felt comfortable in saying so and have also gone through the motions with former partners.

This sounds like an intimacy issue that’s showing up in sex rather than a sexual issue. It sounds like you have had a lot of trauma and maybe not a lot of care?

Possibly you no longer feel that you deserve care, or are allowed to receive care, or are just entrenched in the role of giver to the point that you are really struggling to accept someone prioritising you and focusing on you.

If that rings a bell then therapy can definitely help. You would need to be honest with the therapist but it wouldn’t be a graphic conversation, more about the emotional blocks you’re experiencing.

In 'Couples Therapy' on BBC, series 4, Orna is talking to the gay couple, one of whom disocciates, and she says
"The way trauma operates is there is some kind of sense of danger that has to be put somewhere, Right?
And part of what happens between intimate partners is your closest person becomes the dangerous object."

@DorotheaHomeAlone @DoryFishy honestly both of your replies make a lot of sense ...which is maybe worse...if this isn't just a sex thing does that mean unpicking a load of other things which are safely filed away to deal with it? There's no sexual trauma at all so I'm not sure if it makes sense that other things would pop up in this way? I know I don't have the capacity to go trudging through past things atm but trying to be optimistic maybe knowing that might be the issue might help? I guess I'll find out tomorrow 🙈

I think they are onto something, the previous two posters. When you have sex you're vulnerable in a way you aren't at any other time and that's when previous traumas can seep in, even if they aren't sexual.

Therapy sounds an excellent idea and maybe saying to your partner that the way he does things is wonderful, and you find you're having to get used to it as it's delightful but a bit overwhelming, and could you temporarily be less wonderful until you adjust? And keep talking to him so he knows when he can go back to being amazing again :)

Giving yoruself time and taking it slowly might well help.

I've been thinking about it overnight and though I don't entirely understand it I think it makes sense. Almost like my brain is shutting down when there's intimacy and care? It's not to the same extent but I find myself getting uncomfortable when he does things for me - this isn't even grand gesture things but making me breakfast or something like that. It's hard to explain because it's not like I'm getting bad vibes from or anything like that and it only really kicked in when we made things more official. Didn't realise I was quite so messed up but the shoe fits! 😫