Is it normal to feel like this in a marriage?

Kammiel · 2024-09-14T14:02:46+00:00

I feel like maybe I'm a bit bored in general. We have been together 10 years, have a toddler who hates sleep. The first year of parenthood our relationship was probably the best it's been, but since both being back in work it just seems like weeks pass in a blur. We spend time together as a family but evenings are very much screens out and brains off. I always had a higher sex drive and he now never ever initiates so it hardly ever happens, and when it has, he doesn't want to do anything but a quick missionary. He more than pulls his weight, is an equal caregiver and does probably more than half the house stuff. I just don't feel very attracted to him, even though we still get on and I don't think he would have any idea I feel this way. My limerance for book and TV characters is off the charts, and they are all hulking viking types, nothing like my small slim dark husband. I do love him and certainly am not going to have an affair (with what time!?) or leave him, but wish I felt more attracted to him. We are just so familiar with each other down to the degree of bodily functions. Will this get better with more sleep in the future?

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 14/09/2024 15:09

I don't think will get better, probably because your husband doesn't want to make an effort for you.

Fs365 · 14/09/2024 15:14

qwertyasdfgzxcv · 14/09/2024 15:09

I don't think will get better, probably because your husband doesn't want to make an effort for you.

And it sounds like the OP is making little effort either

poppyzbrite4 · 14/09/2024 15:16

Why not shake things up? There's no law saying you need to stare at a screen every evening. It's really common to take someone for granted and not really see them.

Do you do anything other than sit in and stare at screens in your free time? Any dates, hobbies or interests?

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 15:35

DH and I have been together 10 years in November. We're definitely not like this.

Your DH not initiating is rubbish. I've been in relationships with mismatched sex drives previously, and none of them ended well. Is it something you've had a conversation about?

As for how you're spending evenings...I don't think this is particularly good for a marriage. While DH and I do spend some down time doing whatever online, we do other stuff too. Reading the same book series, boardgames, just sitting and chatting. We might have a movie night if there's something we particularly fancy watching, but we're not huge film people. Occasionally we'll binge watch an old series together but we'll mostly talk through it. We have kids but my sister watches them a twice a month for date nights. Twice a week we eat after the kids are in bed, and cook something fancy together.

I'm not really surprised you're not feeling any attraction if he never initiates and when he does he's not putting effort in. Plus your time spent together sounds equally drab. I'd sit down and have a discussion about the direction you'd like to take things. You need to put some effort in by at least having the conversation.

Fs365 · 14/09/2024 16:37

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 15:35

DH and I have been together 10 years in November. We're definitely not like this.

Your DH not initiating is rubbish. I've been in relationships with mismatched sex drives previously, and none of them ended well. Is it something you've had a conversation about?

As for how you're spending evenings...I don't think this is particularly good for a marriage. While DH and I do spend some down time doing whatever online, we do other stuff too. Reading the same book series, boardgames, just sitting and chatting. We might have a movie night if there's something we particularly fancy watching, but we're not huge film people. Occasionally we'll binge watch an old series together but we'll mostly talk through it. We have kids but my sister watches them a twice a month for date nights. Twice a week we eat after the kids are in bed, and cook something fancy together.

I'm not really surprised you're not feeling any attraction if he never initiates and when he does he's not putting effort in. Plus your time spent together sounds equally drab. I'd sit down and have a discussion about the direction you'd like to take things. You need to put some effort in by at least having the conversation.

Edited

sex is between 2 people not one , the OP needs to be initiated 50% of the time & not just complaining the her husband doesn’t & the OP is equally responsible for putting in the effort instead the bedroom

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 16:51

Fs365 · 14/09/2024 16:37

sex is between 2 people not one , the OP needs to be initiated 50% of the time & not just complaining the her husband doesn’t & the OP is equally responsible for putting in the effort instead the bedroom

Show quote history

I'm assuming as OP has come here and written this that she has been initiating. If she hasn't, then that gets lumped into the "effort" I recommended.

Original poster

Kammiel · 14/09/2024 17:24

Fs365 · 14/09/2024 15:14

And it sounds like the OP is making little effort either

Show quote history

No admittedly at the moment I've not been doing- we've hit a bit of an impasse in terms of things in the bedroom before in terms of me initiating, him going along with it even though not in the mood, it not going well, and then him having even less confidence. So I gave up initiating and dialled it right back- we had a period where everything perked up again but now we've come full circle back to this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kammiel · 14/09/2024 17:26

poppyzbrite4 · 14/09/2024 15:16

Why not shake things up? There's no law saying you need to stare at a screen every evening. It's really common to take someone for granted and not really see them.

Do you do anything other than sit in and stare at screens in your free time? Any dates, hobbies or interests?

Neither of us have any hobbies or interests. I have a job that always demands more but truth be told we probably do have time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kammiel · 14/09/2024 17:26

poppyzbrite4 · 14/09/2024 15:16

Why not shake things up? There's no law saying you need to stare at a screen every evening. It's really common to take someone for granted and not really see them.

Do you do anything other than sit in and stare at screens in your free time? Any dates, hobbies or interests?

Actually TBF his hobby is gaming.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kammiel · 14/09/2024 17:28

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 15:35

DH and I have been together 10 years in November. We're definitely not like this.

Your DH not initiating is rubbish. I've been in relationships with mismatched sex drives previously, and none of them ended well. Is it something you've had a conversation about?

As for how you're spending evenings...I don't think this is particularly good for a marriage. While DH and I do spend some down time doing whatever online, we do other stuff too. Reading the same book series, boardgames, just sitting and chatting. We might have a movie night if there's something we particularly fancy watching, but we're not huge film people. Occasionally we'll binge watch an old series together but we'll mostly talk through it. We have kids but my sister watches them a twice a month for date nights. Twice a week we eat after the kids are in bed, and cook something fancy together.

I'm not really surprised you're not feeling any attraction if he never initiates and when he does he's not putting effort in. Plus your time spent together sounds equally drab. I'd sit down and have a discussion about the direction you'd like to take things. You need to put some effort in by at least having the conversation.

Edited

Hmm see this sounds good. See we are big film people but I think there's a difference between intentionally watching a film together and scrolling with something on in background.
Toddler doesn't sleep until 9-9.30pm so we would struggle to wait that long to start cooking.i think we need some babysitting!

OP posts:

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/09/2024 17:29

I do think it's common, especially when you have young children/child. It is exhausting and then add in to the mix working too.

I think it's peaks and troughs throughout life and some people may currently have great sex life and are yet to come to a lull but I think it does happen at points throughout life.

MummytoAAandX · 14/09/2024 18:38

Myself and my DH have been together for nearly 10 years and we got into the habit of zoning out on our phones after busy days at work and putting the kids to bed. We now make a conscious effort to cook nice food or get a takeaway and a bottle of wine and have some date nights at home. We also build in more time for date days and evenings and get a babysitter once a month. It's so important to spend time together as a couple and not just as parents. Have you considered any form of sleep training for your toddler/dropping naps? I think sorting your toddler's sleep out would help so you're both getting an evening.

Fairyladyonwheels · 08/04/2025 22:13

Tough when you have little 1's. I have been with my partner for about 20 years, recently sex hasn't been great so I stopped initiating and I seem to want it more since having children. I even googled how to reduce the sex drive as I dont want it. I ended up having an affair to get my sex needs met and it's been amazing. I feel so much better for it.