Coparenting with diificult ex

[WoopsLiza]

I split up with ex nearly 3 years ago. Have 2 DC with him - DS13 and DD 11.

When the DC were born I moved to London, in with him in his SH flat. When we spilt up I was able to find an only-just-affordable flat near by. It was the pandemic and I was able to get UC.

I have been running my own business but unexpectedly lost the lease to the premises. As a result of this my life has utterly collapsed. I am losing my flat - this is because when you get UC, any debt payments that you make (except on interest) are counted as your income/ not considered. So for me and the DC I'd get HB + approx £500 to live on but my debt repayments are so high (£800 a month) I wouldn't even get my rent fully covered. These are personally held debts. I'm only saying this because I do not wish to explain why I can't just get benefits and stay in London.
I have to move in with my mum, but she lives 4/5hrs away from London (more by coach).

I am also exhausted by the maestrom of shit that my life has been for the last 7+years.

Ex is supremely pissed off that this is happening. Understandably upset that we won't be near (although not in any way suggesting the children could stay with him). Both children are SEN and so home Ed, so we are super flexible. Dd wants to spend two weeks per month with him, I have said I will pay for one return ticket per month and also facilitate. DS is more circumspect because he and ex really don't get on
Ex is reaping the long years of uninterested and bad behaviour. Nevertheless have offered the same for him.

Ex is being so difficult. Telling the children I am taking them away. Furious texts about how he hasn't been considered. As if all of this was my design, not the desperate last option I could think of. He's now just taken DS out for lunch and explained to him that he is very angry about what I have done.and how he (ex)has been frozen out and excluded. How I'm taking them away and they will hardly see each other. Never mind that he has been repeatedly told he would be welcome to my mums any time (by my mum). Never mind that he is self employed Web developer and free ro work from anywhere in the world. Never mind that he has not lifted a finger to help or offered any solutions.

He is just a knob, he just still thinks my main role is to facilitate his life. There is no amount of explaining to him that he shouldn't involve the children, he will. So how do I coparent with him?

Please tell me your stories and strategies for managing a coparenting relationship with a massive dickhead.

Move all communication onto a court approved Co-parenting.

Offer him to have the DC as primary parent and you will have them one week per month and as non-resident parent pay for their return trip.

Basically grey rock him.

I've just looked at a few coparenting apps, they look really great. I will see if he will agree to one. He is always incredibly reluctant to have apps on his phone, he is a bit tin hatted in this respect.

I completely empathise with the problem of endless complaints but no solutions. Not in the same situation, but after two and a half years of refusal to suggest anything but complaining about everything I am seeking legal advice this week.

it is impossible to problem solve with someone who won’t discuss actual details but makes sweeping ‘not fair’ complaints to everything! People tell you to discuss things, to make a plan etc etc but when the co parent doesn’t seem to want actual concrete solutions it becomes so hard. Good luck, keep offering sensible solutions but if he won’t engage then you have no choice.

document everything

Don't give him an option.

Say due to the inappropriate way he has spoken to you and the DC he can only contact you by court approved app and you've select X that from now on his blocked on your email and your phone.

Do the DC have phones?

The DC have a dumb phone they can use to text and call but they hate it and usually use mine when they are with me or his when they are with him

He's ignored my app suggestion so I will bring it up and bang on about it. I am afraid to be too definitive with him because it escalates his behaviour and its extremely atressful

But him engaging with you and "banging on" is what he wants.

Ask him to come up with a solution.

You have to move and either the DC come with you or they live with him. You are open to other suggestions via the app.

You are right. This is what I have said over and over. I don't have any choices, what does he suggest

What i really want to know is how to keep the children as safe as can be in context he is this dickhead. My choices seem to be: explaining my side of the story and involving them or doing what I did today: oh yes Dad is just very upset darling, because we are moving. Don't worry, I will sort things out with him.

I would just do more of the latter tbh.

Have you read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"? If you have reread it.

Just stop engaging with him and grey rock.

"I am moving, let me know your solution to spending time with the DC. X wants to see you 2 days per month, Y 2 week's per month. If you would like to be primary parent I'm open to it"

Rinse and repeat.