Losing connection with husband since child no.2

[SparkleFly]

I'd appreciate some advice on how to maintain the spark in my marriage. Child no.2 is 5 months old and doesn't sleep great. Firstborn is 4 years old and very high energy, talks a lot, asks questions all day, is very bright but very exhausting! Husband starts work very early and often gets up at 5:30am. We're both tired all the time, which I know is normal for this stage of our lives.

I've just found the shift from one to two kids such a shock to the system, and by the end of the day I'm exhausted. Then when I do go to sleep I'm woken every couple of hours (at most) by the baby who I am breastfeeding.

Because myself and my husband are just so tired all the time, we snap at each other a lot and there's basically zero opportunity for even a cuddle on the sofa as I'm under the baby all evening (witching hour, IYKYK). Daytimes are usually hectic as the 4 year old requires a lot of attention and then there's obviously all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc to keep up with.

I feel like there's no affection between us these days because everything is just a case of 'head down and get through it' and we don't have time for 'us'. We've only had sex once since the baby was born due to all the reasons above. That was only because we went to a wedding and MIL took care of the 4 year old for one night. This was a massive ask as she doesn't like to help us out much. The lack of intimacy obviously doesn't help but I feel we're in a vicious cycle.

I feel like if we could just reconnect a bit it would make us both feel so much better, and we'd both feel better equipped to deal with the toughness of the day without being at each other's throats. I also feel really guilty about how our relationship looks to our 4 year old 🥺

Anyone else been there? How do we change things? Do we have to just get through this stage and then reconnect when the baby is a bit older? It's so hard.

Thanks for reading.

Absolutely. Very normal. Ever get time for a date night or a moment where you get to chat? Try and find little ways when you can.

I think you just need to accept that this is part of this season and roll with it. The more lighthearted you can be with each other during the stresses the better.
It’s totally normal to be passing ships in the night during the first few months of no2. You’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, you’re stressed, that’s all normal but the point you make about what your 4 year old sees is a bit alarming. You really shouldn’t be snapping and fighting with each other around the children.

At 5 months you should be starting to put the baby down in the evening so there’s a least an hour or two of time without the kids most nights.

My youngest is 9m now and it does feel like we’re coming back together a bit and much more connected that when I he baby was around 4/5m.

Jesus! If I could count the times DH and I threatened to walk out when the kids were small 2 under 2 for 6 months)!
We've been married for 30 years now though.
Hang in there x

Thanks ladies. It's reassuring to know that this is totally normal. Unfortunately as I'm EBF there aren't any opportunities for a date night and there won't likely be for another year or so! Hopefully the baby will get more settled soon and I'll be able to put him down and then come back downstairs for a bit before he wakes again 🫠
It's just so full-on all the time and as I also carry about 95% of the mental load in our house, with the lack of sleep I just find life very overwhelming these days! It's extremely hard not to lose my shit but I will try harder 😖

I think it's just really, really hard at this stage. We were aware it could be an issue and made weekly sex a priority, once I was well recovered from birth. But we were lucky, it was a lot easier due to family help and formula feeding. But it's incredibly full on when you have a little one and a young baby too.

As the baby is 5 months, you'll be weaning soon? I know sometimes this helps with sleep. It might get better in a few weeks.

I asked about this recently as I’m in a similar position. It sounds like there’s more going on for you than what you’ve written as you mention carrying the whole mental load and resentment? I was recommended an Instagram called couple.counselling.for.parents who has written a book which I’m yet to read. A friend has done a couple of sessions with relate and found that helped them understand each other’s perspective. I just haven’t found a good time for that now I’m back at work and the kids bedtimes are unpredictable (plus early bed for all as early wake ups…). Hope you (and we) reconnect after this difficult season and find the love again

Family help is the biggest thing really. For my DH and I, either the baby or the toddler was awake and with us basically every waking hour of the day. Usually from an ungodly hour like 4:45.
There was literally no time to carve out for sex, but that’s not the only way to have intimacy.

Yep I think you're right. It can be impossible to carve time out if there isn't some outside assistance, be that family or paid care.

Completely normal. Just to not to snap at each other in front of the 4 year old.

Do you plan to go back to work? Your relationship needs to be more equal.

Unfortunately as I'm EBF there aren't any opportunities for a date night and there won't likely be for another year or so!
He won't be EBF until he's 18mths, you'll be weaning soon, there's no need for BF to be all consuming, women return to work, resume hobbies with EBF babies. Being a good parent isn't sacrificing yourself and your relationship.

I could have written your post, do we have the same four year old!My baby is six months and EBF, co-sleeping and feeding seemingly all the time still. Things we have done that have helped are prioritising weekly sex, we have no time and no help but I know this is the number one thing to give us both oxytocin and make us like each other again, we have no family help (live in a different country) but my husband books an hour out of work one morning a week and we go for a walk and a coffee with baby on the carrier while the big one is at pre-school, this really helps. I think it’s also a case of head down and get through it, it’s a really tough stage

Everyone has been there, I promise you. Most marriages break down after the birth of the second child because everyone is absolutely shattered and fractious and it's all relentless and more expensive and there's no time for yourself, let alone each other and too many people misconstrue this as 'growing apart' when actually all that's happening is one of the toughest few years of a marriage that will pass.

The best thing we did at that time was to split the weekend into 4-hour sections - Friday night, Saturday morning, afternoon and evening, same on Sunday. That's seven in total. Each weekend we agreed one of us would take both DC for four hours (no longer!) while the other did whatever they wanted - if it was a lie in, then you get DC up and out so they don't disturb. It amazed me how restorative those 4 hours were. You get to have your hair done, to see a friend, go swimming or to the gym, read a book in a cafe etc. And your partner is rested too, after their four-hour break.

Then you spend one 4-hour chunk with a child each (alternate who has who each week) while you either do chores, but with only one child to oversee, or you take that child out and give them some attention (great for the older child, who is better behaved if they get undivided attention.)

Spend one block of time together on a date - usually Friday or Saturday night. Book a babysitter (try swapping with friends if money is tight) and go out. Our rule was - don't go for a drink or dinner as you just stare exhausted having no connection and end up talking about the children. Instead, do something new together - something you can remember and discuss - a gig, play, show, concert, comedy night. If you are sporty play tennis or badminton or squash together - something that makes you interact. Avoid sports like cycling or running where the man can charge off ahead leaving you feeling it's not a date.

Spend a block of time as a family - all four of you - we used to go out and about - maybe visiting family or to steam fairs or city farms etc. Having fun togteher as a family helps build a bond.

Spend a block of time with friends - invite them for dinner or go out with another family. And another just getting stuff done - the laundry, cleaning, gardening, online shopping/menu planning/batch cooking. Let the DC mill about and help if old enough.

That helped give us a balance of down time and alone time and fun as a family and with each other. It truly did save our marriage.

Honestly we had regular sex but it was QUICK and it helped us feel close and "together". If one of you has the drive to initiate accept it's different to how it used to be. Obviously we both could be done and dusted in probably 15 minutes.

It is really tough at this time. Are you both getting equal leisure time? Make sure you are both voicing the looking forward to having time for each other in 4/6/8 months time.