Regret

[Rosa64]

Does anyone else regret not being the one to end a relationship?

My past relationship was desperately unhappy, we were not compatible at all and I knew this. But instead of doing anything about it, I stayed in it and carried on trying to “fix” things because I didn’t have the self worth to walk away, and was too embarrassed to admit to my friends and family that I had made a mistake (we were living together and also engaged with a wedding planned).

Ultimately he ended it, and at the time I was incredibly shocked as my whole life was thrown up in the air, and I had a lot of explaining to do to my friends and family which felt insurmountable. But after the shock factor had worn off, I knew it was the right thing very quickly.

I feel ashamed and like I let myself down in not ending with him sooner.

No point looking back at this. You could end up regretting the amount of time you spent being regretful. It’s happened, best you can do is focus on the future.

I agree with the sentiment - and am really trying to let go and forgive myself. I feel mainly v misunderstood by family and friends as they saw the perfect picture I wanted them to see because I became so good at hiding how unhappy I was. I think this is what is making it harder for me to let it all go as well because I’ve had to explain myself to so many people when my usual approach is to never bring my issues to people and deal with them privately?

I know the feeling and I married him 🤦‍♀️, costly mistake. I think some times when you're masking/faking for so long you truly start to believe the fantasy and hope that things change to how you want them to be.

You poor thing... I feel like this subject isn't spoken about very much so it's comforting in a way to know it's not just you who experiences it? I definitely hear you about believing the fantasy... it's exactly how I felt too. And it's so confusing trying to explain it to people that don't understand or have had quite conventional experiences?

I met someone else quite quickly and feel like I'm sabotaging my happiness now because I keep beating myself up for staying in that relationship too long when it should've ended years before it did? When the break up happened - it wasn't him I was grieving at all - it was the fact that I then had to face up to the big mistake I had made.

I ended my last relationship after nearly 3 years but I definitely regret not ending it sooner as I wasn’t happy for the last year.

I ended it a couple of times before I ended it but I allowed him to pull me back in with empty promises .

But I’ve taken time out to be single and reflect on everything and it’s made me wiser and more aware of what I want and what I will and won’t tolerate so I’ve started to dip my toe back in to being open to meet someone. No one on the horizon yet but I do believe taking time out and reflecting is a healthy and positive use of time

Well done to you for realising your worth, I wish I'd had the courage to do it! I took a month out on my own before I went back out on the dating scene. I never expected to find someone I liked so much so quickly, but we took things slow to start and we waited a good few months before we made it official. Part of me wishes I had had more time on my own to fully reflect, but equally I didn't want to let this perfect person pass me by. I ultimately have decided to try and do both simultaneously - it's a work in progress and has made things more complex, but I feel like I'm getting there and finally am coming to understand my self worth.

I know what you mean but it ended eventually. For me it’s frustration rather than shame. Although now years later it seems immaterial who ended it to be honest.

It's immaterial to me from a bitterness perspective - I just feel like I really let myself down not being the one to end it despite knowing I was unhappy? I just didn't have the self worth...

I also have unresolved childhood trauma where I feel a need to earn people's love and affection (my dad was physically and emotionally abusive) and I stayed in the relationship to try and make them proud.

I’ve always found it difficult to end a relationship, no matter how much I wanted to. Didn’t want to be unkind, couldn’t face him pleading or being upset.

I wasted so much of my life in unsatisfying relationships, which usually ended when he moved on. So glad I finally met DH!

I don’t waste much of this happy time regretting the past. But sometimes I do wish I hadn’t been so deeply socialised to prioritise other people. And I could have got together with DH years sooner if I hadn’t always been stuck (through my own fault) with someone else.

Yeah but you are working on that now, which is admirable. I’ve always had issues with low self esteem. But I don’t blame myself- it’s not something which is very easy to control, definitely not when you are younger. You’re working on it and you’re out of the relationship. Sounds like things are looking up!

I relate to this so much... One of the main reasons I felt pressurised to stay engaged and continue was because I felt about about all the people that had sent cards and gifts etc - it's so backwards?! Why could I never put myself first?!