Why is my husband always angry and defensive with me?

[Bartender]

My husband and I have been married for 20 years now and it’s been great until recently…….he is always defensive and angry. I feel like anything I say to him he gets irritated and says I have a tone. Or that i always have an angry face. I have to watch how and what I say to him. I want to tell him that I miss my best friend and I am so lonely. I don’t feel desirable to him. For my birthday last week all I wanted was a shoulder and back massage from him. I got absolutely nothing. I am hurt. He doesn’t do anything but go on his phone and watch TV. I can’t remember the last time he has even touched me. I’m tired of being the one to say sorry just to try and keep some peace. I love him but I don’t know how much longer I can do this? Thank you for letting me vent.

Isn't this 'The Script'? 🤔

He has his eye on someone else and making it out that you are to blame before he makes any move.

Sorry OP 💐

Tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Tell him you love him and you miss him, that you miss physical intimacy and spending time together, that you feel that he’s constantly irritated by your presence and that you are walking in eggshells all the time, afraid in case you say something that will make him angry. Don’t accuse him of anything. Make it about how you feel not about his behaviours. He may get angry but you have to talk to him regardless. When you’ve told him, tell him you want to spend more time together as you feel you’ve drifted apart and you want to change that. Suggest something you know he will enjoy.

You say he’s always on his phone. Is he just scrolling or is he typing? Is this a new behaviour? When did it start? It could be innocent because he’s bored but if he’s communicating with someone/people, does he say who?

Him getting you nothing for your birthday is disgraceful btw. That’s something you should feel hurt and angry about. Have you told him how you feel about this? If not, you should. That’s unacceptable. Especially, if it’s something you’ve always celebrated before.

Whenever STBXH behaved like this it was because he was having an affair.

They need to “monsterise” you in order to justify their deception and betrayal without their conscience getting in the way.

Would he consider couples counselling OP? It might help to talk things through with a neutral person.

This is an awful situation to be in. You love him but he detaches from you even though you think that nothing has changed. It’s often a sign that he is up to something/ depressed or unfortunately bored with you and the relationship.

You need to talk to him and really set out your feelings about the situation. It’s easy to skirt around the situation in these cases and hope that it all goes away. It won’t. Tell him how you feel and also that you feel that the relationship is lacking connection and that you would really like it if you both work together to rebuild that closeness. How he reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know.

I'm so sorry but it sounds like he's rewriting history and demonising you to justify an affair - "My wife's always so angry. Always speaks to me with a tone in her voice. I can't do anything right". Coupled with him being constantly on his phone (is he secretive with it?) I would be very wary that there's someone else.

My husband behaves similarly, the moods, the phone, the birthday let down.
We talked, it's all my fault. I'm boring, I have a 'face like a slapped arse', he doesn't feel loved or special.
And he says that's why he had started seeing someone else..
I stay for my own reasons and I'll not be judged on that.
BTW I am not boring and I have a resting bitch face not a 'slapped arse' face. I have a great sense of humour, I try to be kind and I have lovely friends. It's his perception of me that's flawed, not me.
Check his phone.
I'm sorry if what I described above is happening to you.
If he's not cheating, I hope you can sort this out between you.
Be as strong as you can and take care of you