Why do I have the ick?

[Catisatwat]

This is going to make me sound like a really horrible person but I'm really struggling with how I feel so please try not to judge without reading the full post. Last time DH and I had sex he had an issue with PE which has never happened before and I'm pretty sure was just a one off incident because it had been a while as he's been working away. We've been together a long time and have a really good relationship so I'd always assumed that if/when we encountered any such problems (we're getting on in years so it is something I've considered might happen at some point) we would work through/around them together and all would be fine.

But it isn't fine, I feel weirdly grossed out by it and am now avoiding sex and I really don't understand why Rationally it's totally not a big deal, I don't 'think any less' of him, haven't taken it as any kind of failure (on his part or mine) or assumed it's likely to happen again but I just feel... turned off by it and I have no idea why, or what to do about it.

Sex is important to both of us and is something we've had to work at (I'm a rape survivor and he had some unpleasant experiences as a teenager which affected his confidence) so I'm genuinely a bit devastated that I've reacted like this to something he obviously couldn't help when we've worked so hard to build each others trust and security around sex all these years. I feel disappointed in myself for feeling the way I do and I've really tried to unpick why I've reacted like this but I can't make any sense of it so I'm hoping someone else might be able to? I just want to get back to normal and make it the non-event it should be but I can't seem to get past it, wtf is wrong with me??

By PE, do you mean premature ejaculation?

Yes Aquamarine1029

I don't know why you feel this way, but I can make a suggestion and you can see whether it relates to you or not:
You have both been through the mill emotionally when it comes to building a healthy sexual relationship. Could it therefore be possible that you subconsciously regarded him as a strong person who would always make this part of your relationship safe, loving and all that you wanted it to be. On this occasion, he failed to make it "all that you wanted it to be" and so maybe you are feeling a bit disappointed in realising that? Otherwise, I don't know, but I wish you the best in sorting it out. 🌸

I would take it as a compliment, he had been away for a while and was clearly very pleased to see you and very turned on by you.

If it is that *Ivegotaboneinmyleg *(and it's a reasonable theory) then I'm a bit disappointed with myself tbh, seems a huge amount to expect of him considering I'm feeling like this about something he couldn't help. If I'm expecting that of him then it should at least be reciprocal and being disappointed in him seems pretty unfair of me.

I'm trying so hard to see it like that Starspangledbanner7, logically I know I should and it's not that I feel insulted, I don't, just turned off for some inexplicable reason. I'm thinking now that maybe I need to stop avoiding it and just 'get back on the horse' so to speak, I can't let this ruin the trust we've worked so hard to build. I'm just a bit shocked I'm clearly so... shallow

Please don't beat yourself up. You feel how you feel, and that's OK. You're not shallow. If you are, then I definitely am as well. I'd feel the same and have felt the same in the past.

He could have helped it, delayed, or stopped it. I was with someone who had PE for a couple of years. We talked it through, but it didn't ever feel right to me. We would have to stop or change positions, or I wasn't allowed to get to involved or show if I was turned on, etc. It was restrictive, and it just wasn't for me.

I never fully enjoyed certain aspects because I was worrying it would be over too soon for him, but he did make sure I was taken care of. It's not the same, though.

In the end, I ended it because I wanted more.

Might you have previously felt that he could 'control his urges' and that was linked to you feeling 'safe' with him. Is his episode of PE making you subconsciously think he's just as bad as other men / an animal / unable to stop himself? Obviously none of this is true, bit our brains, especially post trauma can make some strange longer connections

First and foremost see it as a compliment.

Secondly, if you haven't done already do not make a big deal out of it. If you do it is more likely to happen the next time and then it becomes psychological and a viscous circle.

PE and ED happens to nearly all men at some point in their lives and there are so many different factors that can cause it. It becomes far far worse when these men don't have the support and understanding from their partners.

If it becomes a regular occurrence, then talk about it but in a reassuring way. There are creams, pills and every thing else in between to delay it.

It really isn't the end of the world, and I think if his PE has given you the Ick, then its a little harsh especially if all other aspects of your relationship are good.

Maybe AltitudeCheck, I hadn't thought about it like that but you might be on to something. I have had issues in the past with believing DH is who he says he is and trust in general, for obvious reasons, so it could well be a different manifestation of that, although I did think I was past all that now. I do think it's the loss of control that's bothering me now I think about it, and it would explain why I suddenly don't want him near me despite knowing that's not a rational response. Thank you, at least I have a starting point to try to figure it out now.

Imagine how it’s making her dh feel.
He suffered PE once and now she’s avoiding him sexually.
If this was a man posting for something regarding his dw, he would have been hung out to dry in no uncertain terms, with comments such as ‘leave the selfish bastard’

@K8ate thats very harsh, given the ops history - you immediately jump to ‘the poor dh’. Op is working hard to understand her response to his pe, feels really bad that she feels this way and is trying to understand why and to ’fix’ herself. No need to jump on her.

I think it's harsh too *JIMMI85 *and it isn't at all how I expected to react in this situation, hence my disappointment with myself. It's something I've actively thought about, problems that might arise as we get older, and I felt genuinely confident that we would figure it out together with love and compassion for each other so that's why my reaction has been so confusing.

Thinking more after AltitudeCheck's post I'm not sure I would have felt the same had the problem been ED rather than PE, I do think it's the loss of control thing that's bothered me. Rationally I still don't think it signifies any bad intention on DH's part but emotionally I think I have withdrawn because I don't feel safe, even if that is objectively a bit ridiculous. I feel like I can sort it now I understand it a bit better, MN is great for unpicking stuff!

Agree completely K8ate, he absolutely deserves better from me. It has only been a couple of days since it happened though and we've been really busy so I honestly don't think he's aware I've been avoiding, or that I've been feeling the way I have. The 'incident' has been made light of between us, even joked about (by him) so I think I still have time to fix this without him ever knowing how I felt, which is exactly what I will endeavour to do. You're right though, I'm just glad the posts here have helped me work out why my reaction has been so out of character for me and I have chance to fix it without DH being hurt by it.

I Didn't mean to be harsh.

I've been there and worn the T-shirt, so I can tell from experience how devastating it is to have PE and ED and not being able to satisfy a partner. Being supportive is the absolute best thing you can do, and not make a big deal out of it, especially as it has only happened once and may very well be a one off.

You weren't harsh JIMMI85, I was agreeing that my reaction was harsh towards DH, because it was. I expected to be supportive if/when we experienced any problems with sex, I genuinely thought I would react with love and understanding and on the surface I did because logically I knew that was the right thing to do.

Which is why my internal reaction was so confusing, I didn't think any less of DH, didn't feel resentful or that he'd 'failed' in any way, I just felt sort of shut down towards him sexually. I get it now, it made me feel unsafe for reasons which have nothing to do with him, it just took me a little time (and this thread) to work it out. I can fix it now, we've worked through major issues around trust and intimacy already so this will be a doddle now I know what I'm dealing with

PE and ED happens to nearly all men at some point in their lives and there are so many different factors that can cause it.

Maybe over age 50 or 60 but its not common below that age range unless DH hasn't bus a nut for weeks.

ED is much more rare in younger guys but studies have shown that 70% of men under 40 have experienced a form of PE at some point in their lives. PE is actually much rarer in older men and in fact often suffer with DE rather than PE.

You can't change how you feel @Catisatwat and so don't feel bad and beat yourself up about it. What matters is that your desire to be with a man who clearly loves you is restored. I mean, even if he PEd there's things that he could do to keep the "temperature high" until you are happy too - regaining that control? Ejaculation not the "be all and end all" of a sexual encounter - it's a joint "project" that isn't completed until both parties are happy. I wish you the best. 🌺