Was I the other woman?

[Freeflight]

So a bit of a mess.
I'd separated from my ex but still living together. Decided to start seeing what was out there but obviously wasn't parading it in front of him as that's weird.
Someone approached me in a social setting after realising I was single and politely mentioned how it's hard but you do get there in the end.
He then found me on LinkedIn and messaged me. He since told me he set the LinkedIn up solely to contact me.
We saw each other 6-7 times across about 8 months. So nothing serious or long standing. Just got along and it was nice to spend time with someone sometimes.
He always told me his ex wasn't aware as they were also separated yet living together and their kids didn't know. He didn't want her to be sad he was moving on.
Yes, I sound like an idiot, but why wouldn't I believe him. He worked as an Ambulance dispatcher, was a school govenor. And as I'd been through the same and was living with my ex it seemed believable.
Cut to a few weeks ago where he told me that he had told his "wife" he was talking to someone and she wasn't happy so he might go quiet while they sorted some things.
Seemed weird as there was no need to tell her (we weren't getting closer or anything) and he'd always said he didn't want to hurt her feelings having moved on.
I checked in on him the next day and my message sat as unread.
A few days later I messaged to say I was questioning if he was actually separated and that it would be nice to hear the truth from him.
Message not even delivered.

I'm really thinking that I was the other woman and had no idea. My marriage broke down due to my ex's infidelity so the idea that I could be part of that makes me feel awful.
I just don't know how to forget about the situation and the idea that he'll be saying whatever he wants to his wife.

I appreciate it's hard but try not to dwell on it. You weren't cheating, you have no reason not to hold your head up high.

Perhaps they decided to give things another go?

Being optimistic, perhaps they were separated at the time. He sounds like a bit of a coward though, whatever the truth is.

He told you his wife wasn't happy he was talking to someone and you messaged him the next day and then again after that?

Who knows? It sounds complicated but you've personally done nothing wrong.

I'm mildly amused about this line from your OP though...

Yes, I sound like an idiot, but why wouldn't I believe him. He worked as an Ambulance dispatcher, was a school govenor.

I literally read it twice whilst scratching my head and I still don't get why either of those things would mean you automatically believe him?? 😳

If you're going to start dating, you seriously need to wise up.

He then found me on LinkedIn and messaged me. He since told me he set the LinkedIn up solely to contact me.

This tells you all you need to know.

Dump him and spend time organising your own life and sorting out what you need to do in your life.

Certainly not a man looking for a quick shag. Or a woman to pick up where his wife left off. You are better than that.

i was. the other woman and didn't know it... when i met my ex, he told me he was separated.. we got on really well.. a week later he showed up at mine, obviously upset and i asked what had happened..

he told me his wife had come back... off holiday... and kicked him out! he wasn't anywhere near separated, she's just been away with her mum for the week, came back early and caught him out!

some men are cheeky

Yes, it sounds like you were the other woman. Don't blame yourself; you're not responsible if you didn't know. My advice would be to completely end your current relationship before embarking on a new one. And remember that men who still live with their wives are rarely really separated, as you found.

I felt bad but I laughed at that bit also 🤣

@SaffronsMadAboutMe i think I just assumed he had a bit of integrity and empathy due to the job he does and the things he involved himself in. And yes, I've most definitely learned from that and hopefully getting wiser each time even though each conversation with someone new seems to bring with it a whole new set of issues to wise up to.

@roseymoira thanks. Just feels really rubbish and the idea that my character could be being attacked and being made out to be this awful person when I had no idea. I really want his wife to reach out to me so I can share what I know. As I'm aware that before me he had a FWB set up with someone from his work which he openly told me about. He's probably already onto the next victim and she'll have no idea.

@DixonD weird thing is that if that's the case I'm totally fine with it. Always said if he met someone that was fine with me and we'd stop our occasional meets so he could just message and say we've decided to try again. The fact that he hasn't and then appears to have cut me off makes me think that's not the case.

@suburberphobe thankfully we weren't really dating or anything. It was a few sporadic meets and friendly messaging and I never saw him as someone I wanted to be with long term. Just horrible when you realise that someone who seemed nice turns out like that.

@LifeExperience i had definitely ended my current relationship before starting anything new (we were mid way through a divorce). Just finances meant we still lived together. Assumed he was in the same boat but just hadn't gone down the divorce route yet as some people wait quite a while.
I'm in my own place now but think maybe that's why I was an easy target in that I still lived with my ex so his story was totally believable to me.

@thursdaymurderclub that's horrible. I really don't understand why people play with emotions like that.

Well, it sounds like you were, but totally unknowingly! I can understand why you would believe him - you were in the same situation and, if you are not a totally deceitful piece of shit, it can be hard to comprehend just how deceitful some people can be. Don’t worry about it op, whatever he may or may not be saying about you, somewhere in his shrivelled soul, he knows he is a bloody liar. It’s not on you. Onwards!

I would tell his wife. Maybe she doesn’t know but was getting suspicious, so he’s ended it, blocked you and deleted all the evidence before she caught him outright. Maybe that’s just me but if my husband was f*kin other women, I’d want to know about it and I would also want an STD test. He’s putting her health at risk as well as being a cheating scumbag.

You've done nothing wrong OP btw. He lied to you. That’s not your fault. Tell his wife. Send her a fb message or something.

Have you facebook stalked him to see if there’s any evidence there? If you were the ow, don’t feel bad. You did nothing wrong .

A colleague revealed to me she was the ow unintentionally. Someone she met through work and clicked. He said he was separated so they went out a few times. After a few dates, something didn't ring true so she checked him out and the Facebook page showed some very recent, happy family photos.

@redtrain123 he isn't on Facebook but his "wife" is. The last photos are from before Xmas though and he told me they separated late last year so nothing that would have been a red flag on that front.

@TipsyJoker illbe honest, I'd be the same. I wish the woman who had a thing with my husband had told me, but she knew he was married so that wasn't going to happen. I'm not good at confrontation either and worry she'd just make my life hell. I've only just got my own place and begun to start my life again. I'm half hoping she reaches out to me.

Neither of you are really separated if you are still living with your partners.

I met a guy on a blind date, blind he was too, bit awkward told me he was separated.
Then saw him in a national newspaper with partner…..years ago, internet dating, oh well, no loss

@Viviennemary I'm fairly sure I was separated and had been for almost a year before I even spoke to another male.
My ex was also talking to others but it's not something you discuss together as it's none of each others business.
We were over half way through divorce proceedings and both felt that the best decision for our children was to continue living in the same home as neither of us could afford to buy another home alone or rent on our salaries, but we were using our situation to enable us to get to that - we now are but only because of that decision. We even went on a family holiday twice, having 2 rooms each time as its great for the kids and good that we can get along most of the time.
We slept in separate beds in separate rooms and had a schedule for who was 1st responsible parent on any given day so the other knew when was best to make plans for their own time.
I'm sure your comment wasn't meant to come across in such a negative way, but I appreciate that some may find it a difficult concept to understand. I expect my understanding and acceptance of it in a world where housing is so costly meant that I was an easy target for this other man as I would accept his situation.

Claiming to be separated while still living together although it's a lie, isn't something women tend to do, so you thought he was in the same situation. Unfortunately, a lot of very much still married men do lie. It's a well used line.
Your post hasn't been delivered because he's blocked you. He's most likely lied further and claimed he told her - like you say, if his circumstances were real, he'd have no need. The truth is more likely she found out and has insisted he blocks you.
Beware of people willing to date a person who is still living with their spouse, even if they are single, they have issues to be wanting to consider getting involved. For that reason, it's good you've got your own place. Move on, don't give it headspace, it was a mild error of judgement, no biggie on your part.

I just wanted to update anyone who was interested as I know people tend to want to hear how these things pan out.
I've generally been quite stressed and felt rather sick over the past few weeks about it all. I had some friends who wanted to help me move on so they dig some investigating of their own (and by that I mean searching other social media that wasn't Facebook, so nothing dramatic). They found confirmation that he is still married and was the whole time we were talking and spending time together.
Now I know some people don't think this is right call, but having been cheated on I've always said that if I knew for sure then I would tell. And I did.
I sent a message to the wife saying I wasn't sure if she knew who I was, but I was really sorry and due to a lot of lies I was not aware that they were still married.
She responded and we had a brief and vague chat across a couple of messages where she asked for my side of it as he had given his but as I was aware he is good at telling lies.
Whether she believes me or not, I can't do anything about, but it's now her call what she wants to do.

You might get some who disagree, but I believe you did the right thing. He was the one who ruined his marriage, not you. Him living deceitfully and believing he could hide it from her (and I doubt you’re the first person he’s done this with), doesn’t change that he made life altering decisions that change everthing. Even if she didn’t know, likely something will have been off in her marriage that she was picking up on. People like him are scum, and his wife deserves to know the truth so she can live an authentic life based on reality and consent to choices regarding him, while in possession of all the facts. He took your consent away also, by having a full on relationship with you while you didn’t have the facts of the situation, he deserves this.

You did good by telling her. Now you need to detach and stay out of it, because it's no longer your problem.

She knew who I was so clearly it had come out and he had shared his version of events. Which I presume would be that I chased him, nothing really happened etc.
I've said I won't message any more unless she has any questions she wants answering.
I was conscious to give her a brief outline of what happened (he chased me, told me he was separated, met several times, there was at least one person before me) and didn't give her details as she doesn't need that forced on her unless she asks.

Well done. You did the right thing.