Manipulative narc ex dh and what to do

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I finally got the will to end it with my emotionally abusive dh. We are still stuck living together until me and dd can move out. We are so looking forward to it.

Dh on the other hand has a smear campaign going on and it’s really effecting my teenage dd’s mental health. I have sorted a counsellor for her and she’s just telling her everything that Dh is doing. The counsellor apparently had her hand to her mouth for the entire hour while she told her all the manipulation tactics he’s using. Just today he told dd that she should never speak to or look up to my friends as they’re ’nothing’ and if she googled them, then googled him, she’d see who’s the most successful. I feel like this is verging on crazy behaviour now to say things like this.

He’s also told her I’m mentally ill, having a breakdown, delusional, etc. He will always then follow it up with ‘Don’t tell Mum’ ‘Don't snitch on me’

Dd isn’t stupid, she’s put up with his temper and controlling behaviour for along time and knows what he’s doing is wrong but it’s really hurting us.

We are about to start mediation next week after both attending our MIAM’s separately. Despite telling the mediator I believe I’m the victim of emotional abuse, it’s going ahead as it’s a lot quicker than going to court and I need him to realise I will be taking dd with me when we move out. So far he’s said there’s no way, so I feel I have to go down the mediation route.

I’ve spoken to women’s aid and my local support organisation but they’re so under staffed I’m just sign posted to different places like housing, without any actual support.

How do I prove this behaviour? I can’t raise it with him or it’ll make things worse.
Do I just log everything?

Audio recording. Look into the laws but that's where I would start for documenting.

Another thing that really hurt was that he told his family in front of dd that I don’t feed her properly and everything’s ‘convenience’ food.
I cook from scratch nearly every night! I even make my own bloody bread. He’s making my blood boil! DD’s family member who was there, said to her, ‘you should be on your Dad’s side’
I usually let things go and just stay quiet but I had to try and tell dh to stop this. He just denies denies denies.

The problem is, it is always coming from dd but I do have a lot of texts from her, telling me what’s happening. I think I’d rather not know as it’s making me sick but if it’s evidence then maybe I should let her. I don’t ask her for this information she just tells me.
I did manage to get one audio recording of him admitting he ‘told her off’ after denying that for a long time. I don’t think they can be used in courts but better than having nothing.

Trying to reason or anything of the sort with a narcissist is a lost cause. Your best bet is to grey rock. If you can keep DD away from him that would be best but I understand that can be difficult.

@Doubtfuldaphne I am unsure why you would rather not know when it is involving DD.

You can go the route of trying to obtain a personal protection order for you or DD. Again, looking into the laws would be beneficial.

I honestly don't know why you and DD haven't just left via a refuge

It’s because it just makes me so anxious, it takes me a long time to try and get my heart rate down after hearing it all. I know what he’s doing, read any list of narcissistic behaviours and he ticks every box. I wouldn’t want dd to feel like she has to tell me as if I’m spying or something. I didn’t think she’s telling me because of that though, she’s venting to me. I’m so glad she has a counsellor now aswell. The more support the better. I guess I need to contact a solicitor.

We were told there weren’t any that were nearby so she wouldn’t be able to go to her school. We also have two very loved pets who we’d have to give up. It’s so hard. I want to keep as much normality as I can for her during this even though it’s also harmful

What are your plans for leaving? Also what's the purpose of mediation? What will you be discussing there.

Mediation because dh is adamant dd will be living with him. She doesn’t even want to. I think mediation will make him see he’s fighting a lost cause. We are leaving because of him so it couldn’t be clearer but he doesn’t see it that way. In his eyes he is a victim.
The plan is to rent somewhere so as soon as somewhere comes up we’ll be going.

You can get your pets fostered

How old is dd?

But if she's a teenager, she won't be forced to stay with him unless he can prove that you are not a fit parent.

I don’t want to give too much away but she’s not 16 yet. I believe once they get to that age it’s a lot easier for these things.
Yes, having the pets fostered was something I thought about but the thought of dd losing out on school where her friends are, I just couldn’t do that, it would be just as traumatic as what’s going on with ex dh.
I do think mediation is a bit of a waste of time but I just don’t want to tick that box that says ‘exempt due to abuse’. If he saw that, all hell would break loose. I have enough proof I just can’t go through the stress with him living here and knowing what his behaviour is doing to us as it is.
I’m sure the mediation will make him realise.
Actually when I got home from work today he had left some notes out which was a checklist he’d written and top of the paper was ‘sort out child maintenance’ so maybe he has realised already.

Ive been here. By giving anything he says the slightest bit of attention you are giving him the narcissistic feed. You must grey rock him, this is the best advice I can give you and the best advice I was given. Look up how and don't give him any indication he's upset you, even if you cry and scream in private. My mantra was to think "it's irrelevant" about anything to do with him. Smear campaign or threat or gossip just hold your head high and think "it's irrelevant". All practical issues will be sorted by the legal channels. You do not need to gather information or prove any of his behaviour, no matter how disgusting. My daughter was able to choose her own opinion from the age of 9 (via cafcas) and after 12 was allowed not to visit him at all. She's an adult and no contact now.

Thank you, I do need to grey rock. I find it so hard but to give him the narcissistic feed is only making it worse, you’re completely right. I have only reacted once with a text message but everything else I haven’t reacted and he is totally spun out by this as he’s not used to me being so uninterested. This is probably why his behaviour is getting worse and worse as he’s desperate for that feed.

Imo tick the box. If he lets rip you ring the police. Of secondary school your dd's wishes will count. She doesn't have to be 16 to not have to see him.

You will probably go to court about child arrangements if he's certain she will live with him.

You might be able to sort out finances and the house via mediation.

If she's over 13 they will take her view and over 14 she can vote with her feet.

Don't mention child maintenance to him at all until she's moved out.

Drop any attempt to make him realise he is wrong or narcissist. It won't help. You know the truth and luckily so does your daughter! I'm glad she doesn't idolize him as a Disney dad.

Read a book called how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court I found it really helpful.

Follow legallynik on instagram for good advice.

Congratulations and well done brave mama!

Ps talk to a lawyer because if he is being truly awful nd abusive you may be able to get a non molestation order on him which would mean he'd have to leave the houses

Grey rock. You need to become really boring to him. The issue is your DD here but I hope the counselling is helping her cope. She has a voice at this age when it comes to who she wants to reside with.

I might have missed this but do you have a job and counselling via work? They often have support services as a benefit.

I’m self employed unfortunately and after waiting two months for help via the nhs I took myself off the waiting list for counselling.

I haven’t even thought about finances yet as my goal is to just get away at this point.
I will remember to be as boring as possible, it’s so hard sometimes but I do manage it just about.
I’ll talk to the solicitor on Monday. I need to do a list with all my questions I think

Yes definitely start taking legal advice but please make sure you are really comfortable with the solicitor, switch if not. This is the negotiation of your life and you need a supportive and experienced one.

One piece of advice is when I was in this situation myself the counselling was really helpful but so was throwing myself into work, work was the one thing I was in control of and it felt good to be working towards my long term security. It gave me confidence to grey rock the shit out my ex.

I throw myself into work too, I love it, I can switch off from it all and work towards my independence.
I am hoping the solicitor will be good as they’ve been recommended by my local domestic abuse organisation so fingers crossed they’ll be understanding of how to deal with people like this