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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Divorce or try

6 replies

Ladybirdlili · 13/09/2024 14:21

My husband had an 'emotional affair' in July, since then we have been up and down with him vowing to end all contact (he has) and make more effort in our relationship. Previously in the relationship I was asking him to spend more time with me and at least come to bed with me once a week ( I felt like I wasn't asking alot).
Since then Im aware I'm more sensitive about issues of my self confidence ( working on) and this has sparked arguments with us. The biggest problem is that he doesn't make time to discuss or chat with me to air the issues. He always says he is busy at work and doesn't have time. When he gets home and more recently has said he doesn't like seeing me upset.
The most recent discussion was upset and he said he needed a drink so left the room, he was gone for some time and he was in the kitchen on his phone to his work mates. Which upset me more that he chose to leave sorting things out and check his phone, I wouldn't do this to him.

Now we are at a stalemate, he asked me last night when can we chat ( I'm here most of the time) and I said whenever he can fit me in, apparently this wasn't a good response.

I'm at an end, two ways I'm overreacting or I feel I deserve better. I want to be with someone who comforts me when I'm upset or I don't have to beg to be with, spend time or think of me.

We have been together since we were 15/16 and now in 40s so we've been through alot.
It's just feels so hard right now

OP posts:
Neverstophoping · 13/09/2024 14:35

It doesn't sound as if he is interested in working on the issues that led to his emotional affair.
If he isn't interested in working on your relationship then it's highly likely there will be more emotional or physical affairs because nothing will have changed in your marriage.
And if he has been forgiven once it's a green light to expect forgiveness in the future.
You do deserve better.

Diarygirlqueen · 13/09/2024 18:41

You've been together so long, it must be scary of thinking in leaving him. Honestly, I think he's checked out. Only youan decide if you want to stay in this marriage, but you deserve better. Keep working on your self esteem, you can do it. All the best OP

Enough4me · 13/09/2024 18:46

He's unlikely to change and neither of you are satisfied. That is key rather than burning passion, it's the small considerate things that matter.

Without overall satisfaction things feel wrong and tensions build. People fill their needs elsewhere.

category12 · 13/09/2024 18:50

Might be worth giving relationship counselling a try. He won't be able to be so dismissive if there's someone to mediate.

He seems pretty eager that you "get over it" and stop bothering him with your emotions.

FrostyFlo · 13/09/2024 18:59

What are your gut feelings about him ?
Do you love him
Would you miss him
Would you like another relationship
Do you have children with him
Do you have a mortgage together

There are lots of other things to think about as well.
But if you can't forgive , then split because neither of you should live under the cloud of that.

unsync · 13/09/2024 19:04

You may find your self confidence improves if you are not with someone who treats you poorly. It sounds like your husband puts his feelings before yours.

What effort has he been making to improve? Has he sought counselling, self-help books, etc? Why does he think his discomfort at your upset is more important than the reason you are upset?

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