Is it possible my partners hoarding is down to his childhood? I think my MiL is a narcissist.

[Happyfarm]

Im pretty sure my MIL is a narcissist. My partner had an unhealthy attachment to stuff, the thought of throwing stuff away fills him with anxiety. He tries to laugh it off and say oh it’s just my thing but it really does cause him stress but he can’t see it. He has to have things incase he needs them. I’ve explained over and over that we can always get something if we get to a point where we don’t have a particular thing. But he won’t accept this.

My MIL is quite obsessed with his brother. Even though he has his own family they talk endlessly all day long, everyday. She plays a huge part in his life. She plays hardly any part in ours, not interested in me at all or our kids. I’ve no intention of chatting to her all day long and telling her what I do all the time and run everything past her. I wanted a “normal” relationship where we all visit each other etc.

Could this disorder stem from his mum?

Does it matter? He’s a grown man, responsible for managing his own mental health and environment, he should seek professional help if his issues are impacting other people including his kids.

You clearly despise his mother so see it as a blessing she’s not interested in you. Complaining she’s all over his brother and doesn’t see you is very odd given your low opinion of her. “Narcissist” is very popular on here to the degree it’s largely meaningless. If it makes you feel better to diagnose her go for it but it’s irrelevant to the impact you allow her to have on your lives.

If your partner is annoying you deal with that. Blaming another woman is daft and pointless. Your issue is with him.

Thanks. Just wondering if having attachment to things could have stemmed from his childhood. But no she isn’t a particularly great person to be around so it doesn’t effect how I view things, just interested.

You aren’t wrong to think about this. Hoarding behavior is very complex. There is often a trauma/childhood component but there can also be a biological or inherited component as well. It is also associated with some aspects of the brain like ADHD and executive function. A person can have a hard time figuring out what can be disposed of. Or making choices.

The important issue is that this is a problem for you and not for him.

It’s not too much of a problem at the moment. Since we moved in together it’s been confined to the garage and shed. He is much better than he was when living on his own. I suspect that’s because I sort it and chuck it and keep the house clean and tidy (ish we have 2 kids).

Have you seen this? https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/causes-of-hoarding/

I think it's interesting that the link mentions a genetic factor to hoarding.

My DH hoards because he abhors waste and loves a freebie and his mum hoards as a child who grew up with rationing. He is blind to mess and clutter and it's almost physically painful for him to pay even a penny for something that he has at home or had and was forced to bin. I have to confine his hoarding to certain zones of the home otherwise it would take over. I hate Freecycle and Facebook market because of all the shit he ends up bringing home. He doesn't believe in upgrading or updating the decor or replacing chipped plates or fraying towels because 'what's the point it will only end up in landfills'. He thinks we should use things until they fall apart and then repurpose them so we have bags of rags that will never be used up because when he does need a rag he can't remember where he saved them all and ends up using the first thing in front of him.
We have enough rags and plastic bags for multiple households but he would go mad if I were to bin them. I used to have huge home declutters and then face the music but he just wore me down so much, the endless sulking and rants about 'waste'. I have had to learn to turn a blind eye and get him more storage solutions, declutter more of my own stuff and accept that this is who he is. I won't have a nice tidy place as long as we live together. If I were to date again, hoarding would be a deal breaker. I never even knew about this issue and when I met him I just assumed it was lack of storage but the more time and space he has the more he fills it with shit. He lets go of people easier than of things. I suspect he has ADHD as he loves noise and mess, it's like a nice cup of tea to him to be in a stuffed room with stuff whereas I feel like I'm suffocating, my chest feels tight around clutter. He finds it comforting.

I know my MIL would throw away his stuff because she had little emotional attachment to things so didn’t or couldn’t consider he was attached to the things she threw. For example she threw away her wedding dress after, saw no use.

My DS can’t stand anything to be thrown away in plain sight. He’s 12 and has been like this since nursery. He’s ND and I’ve always assumed it was linked to that.

There could be multiple causes but that doesn’t really help. If you’re both happy and it doesn’t cause any issues then leave it. Otherwise it’s something he needs to work through.

There is a link between clutter and trauma. Personally I think it’s part of the trauma freeze response. I’m only thinking off the top of my head here, but apparently when people get punished for taking the initiative as kids, or making decisions, they sometimes start to stagnate as adults, their safe place becomes like a suspended animation and they hate throwing things out.

honestly I just think his mum was disinterested in him as a person growing up. He seems incapable of having confidence in his decisions. For a long time he kept saying he needed to ask him mum for her opinion on everything when we first met. What you say makes sense.

Yes I like PP’s point about hoarding being related to trauma of attachment in that it is a set of responses to various kinds of emotional neglect. It is what we call now a “character strategy” rather than a personality disorder. In terms of trauma response it can be either flight (avoidance of risk or decision), freeze (collapse, inability to act) or fawn (imitation of parental behaviors, attempt to fit in).

I thought maybe when faced with the decision he has just never been given the confidence in his decision making so just keeps it all. His brother is like the complete opposite. Anything not touched is thrown, he won’t own anything second hand, it’s all designer labels because that’s better.

I wouldn't go as far as calling my grandmother a hoarder, but my god does that woman have a lot of stuff. She will not throw anything away.
In her case, her mum used to give away all of her most beloved possessions, even things she bought with her own money or things she'd been gifted by others.
Her mum was generous to the extreme, always looking for a way to please others and be liked by her community. So whenever any of her children had nice things, she'd give them away. My grandmother has talked a lot about the anxiety she felt every day when she came home from school, wondering which of her things would be missing.

So I absolutely believe in the link between childhood trauma and hoarding, or any other mental illness for that matter.

Her mum was generous but didn’t think about how giving their things away would make them feel? I think mum MiL is a bit like this. She does things for the local community, plants flowers, heads committees but doesn’t have any emotional connection to her kids. I think she likes the attention it gets her and people thinking she is amazing.

Just for balance, my mum used to throw my stuff out behind my back, I grew up with very little not out of poverty but because my mother hated my having lots of teddies, dresses or accessories so her decluttering pertained to my stuff while her room would have plenty of her own stuff she just saw my things as nuisance and pointless. As an adult I'm very good at getting rid of my things. Maximalism and clashing bright colours give me anxiety.
Would you consider my mum a narcissist? She cared a lot about what people thought of us and affection was given briefly and only when I've done something she approves of that reflected well on her, specially if others knew such as getting a high mark or someone praising me to her would earn me a hug for example.

And yes my mum would do special gestures to the community at my expense for example she would show so much empathy and generousity to strangers in distress but would be very cold and dismissive of my needs and emotions. She would donate my gifts and toys behind my back to other people, earning her a nice reputation as a very kind and thoughtful woman.
I know this can sound like I'm an entitled brat but to be clear it would be like this, I'd get nothing all year then for my birthday I might have got 10 new toys, she would gift 8 of them that she selects without talking to me, she would do this when I'm away at school and I'd come home and she would deny any knowledge. Then I'd hear later of someone thanking her for the toys that were taken off me. Or I would tell her I'm being bullied at school or my best friend has dumped me and she would be tell me that I'm being silly and there are children starving in Africa. It's not made me hoard, I loathe mess and stuff.

Doesn’t sound very nice. I think narcissistic people see others as a tool to gain attention. The things that make us who we are and what we like are not important to them as it’s all about them.