New guy is NOT chatty!

[Imaysnapandfart]

So I’ve just started seeing this guy. It’s very casual, we’ve had 4 or 5 dates. We text quite a lot and he’s very chatty over text, but in real life he is really quiet! I find this quite awkward as I’m fairly chatty.
how do I get him to be his text persona in real life? I don’t want to sit in awkward silence again! I think he’s just not very confident but how do I put him at ease and let him feel confident?

Why is it assumed he is not confident because he is not chatty?, chatty people would give me a headache after a while nothing to do with confidence or not

Because he’s really confident over text and not in real life 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn't sound like a good pairing. I'm not chatty and I find people who try to force me to be unbearable.

I don't find it uncomfortable for there to be breaks in talking. I like to enjoy whatever I am doing and focus on that, rather than chitchat, which is often quite benign topics.

Maybe he just isn't suited for you?

Could he be using chatgpt for his texting? I've considered it myself, as I'm not really a "chatter" over text.

Just dump him. I am like you, chatty and want/expect engagement - if he can't do it now, he never will..

It's very common for someone's text personality to be different from their IRL personality. You can't get him to change himself and it's a bit of a red flag that you even want to try. He is who he is, chatty over text and quiet in person, and that's fine. You either like it or you don't and that's fine too.

The whole point of dating is to see how you connect in person. If you’re wanting to change someone after a handful of dates then they’re not the right one for you.Maybe he just doesn’t enjoy pointless chatter and small talk? It depends really on what you call ‘chatty’

Id find it a red flag if someone i had only just met wanted to try and change me.

If he can’t make the effort to chat and lets you do all the work, I think you should dump him.

You've only had a few dates and you're already trying to make him into someone he's not. Stop it.

Time to move on.

I'm not very chatty, DP is the complete opposite

I'm not a naturally conversational person, I take too long to consider my response before saying it, so in a group situation someone else jumps in before I've started talking, and the conversation moves on.

I'm better one on one, but with a very chatty person or someone who hates any form of silence in a conversation (even just a second or so), I still struggle a bit.

I'm much better when messaging, because there's a natural back and forth, and no-one cares if there's a bit of a delay before getting a reply.

I'm also much better when I'm a bit tipsy. It short circuits the bit of my brain that's sat in the middle of thought -> speech, so I become quite the conversationalist.

With DP, we were both steaming when we met in a club, and there wasn't a lot of talking going on initially. When we first started going out on dates then, I'm sure she must have initially thought I was really dull until we got a couple of drinks in.

It didn't really become a problem until we started just hanging out round each others houses etc. when DP started having the same sort of concerns you've got @Imaysnapandfart .

We learnt to adapt to each others conversational styles. I learnt to just let DP do her stream-of-consciousness thing without me getting frustrated that she wasn't leaving a conversational opening for me. She learnt that she didn't need to fill the slightest silence, because if she gave it a second I'd say something. I learnt to use body language to indicate I was about to speak, she learnt to keep an eye out for those cues.

It's mostly a subconscious practise, but you just learn to adapt to each others conversational styles over time.

You don't sit in awkward silence again, 5 awkwardly silent dates is already 4 too many. He is who he is. He has a particular style of texting, and is quiet and awkward in real life. Do you like this? Do you enjoy his company? Come away from the date feeling like you'd like to do it again and again?

No, so don't. You don't try and work out how you can make him fit your idea of someone you'd like to be with, if he just is not that person. Don't waste your time, don't waste his.

Isnhe autistic?

You don't try to change him. It's been 4/5 dates and you're not a match in person. Unless you want a pen pal, he's not the one for you. I've met people online who I think will be a good match, but when you meet in person, it's just not what you expected

I think you’re just different people. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not confident. I know many confident people who aren’t chatty.

My text persona is very different, I’m short, to the point, often take a few days to respond. I’m not like that in conversation!

When I met my exh I was pleased he was a lot chattier than me (back then!): I felt relaxed as he would jump in whenever there was a lull in the conversation.
After a few years (and when I had grown more confident) I realised that he couldn't bear even the slightest lull in the conversation and would jump in with anything rather than wait for someone else to speak. It was sometimes on the embarrassing side and stopped me from joining in conversation even when I felt confident; he always got there first.
This may not be the greatest combination for either of you.

What sort of dates are you having? Could you go somewhere like a wildlife park or something like that where you can walk at chat but because there is lots to see it shouldn't be awkward.
He might then feel more comfortable and natural.

I dumped someone because they didn't talk. It was painful trying to make conversation, I couldn't stand it.

If it's like this after a few days then it's unlikely to improve.

I am really chatty, DH isn’t- he doesn’t do small talk essentially. But if you talk to him about films, books, a particular sport he loves then he is well away. I wonder if it’s the same here - what topics does he engage with and can you use those? Can you go somewhere else for dates like the theatre or cinema and just see if that inspires chat?

If not I would go your separate ways and find someone who communicates with you how you would like to be communicated with :)

It's not right to try to "get" anyone to be anything, especially not this early on. Lots of folks who are quiet in real life are very chatty via text or email, myself included. They just find it easier to communicate that way than in person, I guess because it allows more time to think about what you want to say, without the pressure of the other person being physically present and knowing they're not going to interrupt you. I was very chatty over email before I started dating this guy. When we started meeting in person he mentioned how quiet I was. It made me utterly miserable, like there was something wrong with me. It felt shit. If this guy's lack of conversation is going to be an issue, stop seeing him. You've both got the right to more compatible partners and to be happy with who you're with.