is this a thing?

[wtftmskk]

Just wondering if this is a thing that happens with some people?

My mum just turned 59. All I have heard since is variants of 'I don't have long left now, 10 years, 15 if I'm lucky' She has started (not sure explaining this part right but..) having digs at me because I'm not the same age as she is? Like she is taking it out on me I'm younger than she is?

Now she has changed it to saying 'we' instead of 'me or I' so instead of saying I don't have long left she is now saying we don't have long left and we need to do something with our lives before its too late.. then will say something like 'Oh sorry I forgot that you have longer left to live than I do'

She also now seems to be relying on me for everything, it's like she woke up and turned 98 overnight. she refuses to carry bags when shopping for example, she now expects me to carry them for her because now she is struggling and struggling comes with age..

I wouldn't mind too much but she is now getting nasty with it, making horrible digs at me about my age and something about me being on my high horse because I'm not 60 or something.. like its my fault I'm not the same age as her etc

Hard to explain but its almost every conversation I have with her now and its only since she turned 59.

I don't find her old and don't understand where all this has come from. she's gone from going on holiday on her own to relying on me for everything overnight.

Anyone had anything like this before? Apart from me apologising for being born younger than her I don't know what else I'm supposed to do? she never mentioned her age previous to this..

Sounds bizarre! I am a little younger than your mum and have friends in their 80s. I met one of them yesterday for coffee but she couldn't hang around as she had to "get some shopping for the old people on my road".
Does she have poor health.

Yes, I've had similar with my DM although she is older than your mother. She has developed a sort of helplessness, relying on others to do things for her even though she sometimes jokingly says that she could actually do these things herself. We have also had conversations where she seems to forget who she's talking to, and talks to me more like she would do to a sister.
I wondered if it might be the start of dementia but she doesn't struggle remembering words. I know that some forms of dementia affect people in different ways, resulting in unusual behavioural changes.

I'm 59 too OP and it's just hit me that I've lived most my life now. I've got 20 years left if I'm lucky.

It's a weird weird feeling. I can hear that clock ticking.

I had a cry to myself the other day that I will never meet my great grandchildren. I don't have any grandkids and I saw a lovely 4 generations picture on Facebook. Pathetic I know. But I've not mentioned it to anyone.

However I've not mentioned it to my kids, go to the gym and have a fun fulfilled life.

So yes I think it's normal to suddenly realise that life is short but definitely not on to drag you down and acted like a 90 year old.

Sorry OP no advice though, must be so draining for you.

Do you think she has been hearing about friends/ acquaintances or even people in the news dying at an age not too much older than her age ATM? Possibly that could have jolted into her thinking along the lines of not having too much longer.
I'm 72 and I must admit I look at the age of people who die and these days my reaction is My goodness they were younger than me!
It's nonsense of course because death often doesn't respect age and can sadly come to the very young as well as older people.

Also perhaps the fact she is turning 60 next year made her start fearing her older years. Tbh our society worships youth and doesn't seem to value older people so it can be quite upsetting to realise you don't count as much as younger people.

Having said that she has no right to resent you and make you feel bad about being younger.

The best way to combat getting older is to lead a healthy active live style - keeping your body and mind active. It's a very rejuvenating thing to do as much as you can for yourself and be as active as you can. All you can do really us encourage her to do this. And to help her mix with positive role models of a similar age group to herself.

My Mum went a bit weird at 49 and 59. She was always very stylish and attractive, rather glamorous really, and I think aging threatened her idea of who she was.

By 69 she had her head around it more, thankfully. She also wigged out a bit when I was turning 40 - “I can’t be the mother of a 40 year old!”

So possibly your mum is struggling to reconcile herself with who she is now, and the sands running out, rather than who she is in her head.
(God knows I think of myself as an age much younger than I am now - sort of eternally 37)

It’s frustrating, but be compassionate.

Menopause makes you feel old, rightly so, it ages you. Perhaps have a chat with her as to how it has been for her going through it. It might help her to talk about it, and it could be useful for you to see what's in store in the future.

It sounds like she's scared OP. Is she well? Has she had a recent bereavement? I'm 62 and I know when my second parent died last year I suddenly felt very very vulnerable and mortal for a while. (I didn't take it out on my DC though and to be honest I think I've got over it now!)

I turn 60 next year. Been through the mill with cancer and other stuff.

I actually don't give a stuff about dying. I'm pre-planning a direct cremation and have told DH and boys that I don't want a funeral as I'll be dead so I don't care. If they want to have a party, then they can go ahead.

It's like the saying; could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I don't want to get sick again, but that's just life and you get on with it, and hopefully assisted dying will be allowed soon.

My parents have both got direct cremation plans and have said they don't want anything else.

Has your mum got anxiety about anything else?

Do you live with her or something? That sounds relentless.

I'd have no patience for this and I think I'd just gently start taking the piss. Get her some Saga holiday catalogues, call her Victor Meldrew, ask her if she'd like a shopping trolley/rollator for Christmas.

But then I'm not one for indulging this sort of crap with perfectly able bodied people. She's not even retirement age for most people.

My ex's dad wasn't ever reliant on anyone, but he was dying for over 20 years, from the age of 69. He lived to 90.

He couldn't visit him in London and a 9hr trip would just hasten his death (at 60+)🫣.

He took his last overseas trip 'before he died'(under 4 hours), had a family meeting to express his last wishes and all sorts 13 years before he actually passed. We all had to go and meet him in Florida, because it was 'likely the last time we'd all be together '.

The man was as fit as a fiddle until his sight started going in his late 80s. He damn near wore everyone out with his nonsense 🙄.

Fantastic response. My Mum has gone all helpless, relying on everyone else around her to do everything (eg. meals, washing up, cleaning) when she is capable of doing these things herself. However, she is 86 and has signficant health challenges, including poor eyesight and reduced mobility - so it's kind of understandable.

I'm close in age to the OP's mum but still can't shake the feeling that I'm really 21. Maybe my real age will hit me hard one day?