Making it work after a split

[Sadsinger]

Hello.

I am looking for some advice and also to see whether what I am experience sounds usual in the circumstances.

Basically about a month ago my partner who I live with decided to end things with me. There had been arguments and I had been drinking too much when upset and that made the arguments more heated on my side. No violence.

I don’t blame him for saying enough is enough. After some heart to hearts he said he would be willing to work on it if I got therapy and stopped drinking. He said he still loved me very much but couldn’t take the arguments. I couldn’t either.
Not drinking is no problem it wasn’t like I was an alcoholic just got into a bad habit of turning to it when I was feeling low.

I am on a two month waiting list for counselling which is something I know I need as I have trouble regulating my emotions at times due to childhood abuse.

What I’m struggling with now is how things feel quite strained. It feels like we are both on best behaviour and doesn’t feel natural sometimes. We both can be quite defensive and think the other one is having a dig. But quick to say sorry if either of us is snappy etc. I think emotions are running quite high currently.

I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation of trying to make it work after a split and could relate to this. It’s hard to explain and I know it’s early days but I wonder if it could get better and what might help. Maybe it’s just time.

I am really committed to fixing my part in this and working on myself and he says he loves me and wants it to work but also he is reluctant to talk anymore about “us” as he said he wants some calm and peace and just ticking along for a bit. Where as I’m probably a bit needy for reassurance.

I hope this makes sense. I’m feeling quite fragile about it all.

Thank you

To be honest if you have a good core of love, and both really take the time and effort to do what you promised, you have every chance. The strained feeling will pass and things will ease. I know you will want to keep reassurance but you need perhaps to trust, have faith and take a deep breath and let it go in the moment. Occasionally is fine but it will create tension if too much. Have you considered counselling together? It will give you a chance to air everything in a controlled environment.

Thank you. That is good advice I will try and not act on the constant need for reassurance.

I think he is open to counselling but says not yet as he keeps just saying he needs a period of peace and calm and not keep going on about “us” I can see where he is coming from but I am more inpatient and just want to know everything is going to be ok now which of course isn’t reasonable!