Husband never just believes me

[Girlmom35]

Hi, I’d like to get some opinions on this.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years and have 2 children together. We’ve had our struggles since having children, mainly not communicating very well. We both have our faults and neither of us is very easy to live with. But we both try hard, make compromises, talk a lot and work through our issues.
He’s a great father, very hands on and responsible. He’s come a long way in that aspect and grown so much, especially since he comes from a family where his mum does everything. His dad doesn’t even make his own coffee or butter his own toast. But if I wanted to have a girls weekend away, he’d be more than capable to look after the children on his own.
So obviously I’m not looking for people telling me I need to leave the relationship. I just need to know if this is an issue I should stand firm on, or whether I should let it go.

Whenever I bring a problem to him, he’s very quick to dismiss it, which really gets to me. A clear example from last night was:
I found a little bug crawling on my forehead. I have long curly hair, so do my two daughters. They are of the headlice age, so naturally I think: oh no, I’ve got lice. We’ve probably all got lice. And my mind goes to all the things I’ll have to do to get rid of them, the washing etc. So I turn to my husband and say: “We’ve got a problem. I’ve just found something in my hair. I think I have lice.”
And his reply is: “you probably don’t”.
Me: “Look at it. I’m pretty sure it’s a louse.” I pull out my phone and google a picture of one. It’s the same colour and shape and I show him.
Him: “It’s probably nothing. Could be any kind of bug that fell into your hair while you were out.”
Me: “But look, it looks exactly like the picture”.
Him: “I don’t see it. Let’s not panic over nothing. You’re getting all worked up and it could be false alarm.”
Me: “I’m going to wash and comb my hair with the product. Could you help me look if I’ve got anything behind my ears?”
Him: “You’re overreacting. Just brush your hair and see if anything comes out. If not, you’re fine.”

At this point I was getting annoyed and I didn’t respond very nicely anymore. But this is the same every time I alert him to a problem. The children being sick, the dog having a sudden limp,… He never just takes my word for anything.
I feel like he’s always trying to minimize the problem, because it’s just easier that way. Everything would be a lot easier if I didn’t have lice, or if the kids weren’t sick and we wouldn’t have to miss work to look after them, or if we didn’t have to take the dog to the vet. But ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away.
He says he should be allowed to be critical and make up his own mind. But I don’t like having to waste time trying to convince him there’s a problem, when we could already be working on a solution. Is it so wrong of me to expect him to just take my word on something?

Does it mean it’s ok for him to ignore his partner or to put her down (because that’s a put down)?
esp as she was actually right, it WAS lice.

Playing things down isn’t telling someone they’re wrong or are making a fuss for nothing. That is actually sure to be making the situation worse because the person doesn’t feel heard.

If you want to play it down, you start by acknowledging that person. And offer your support. Something like
’oh i can see you’re quite worried about it being lice. It’s ok. Let’s see if you find some more. And well go and buy some lice stuff if need be.’
Youve listened, acknowledged the person and offered support, haven’t made it a huge thing either. But more of a run of the mill issue. Like not having enough milk in the house. That’s playing it down in my books.

I agree!
I wouldn't mind him reminding me not to go into overdrive, or to approach things more calmly. But the tends to just ignore the problem.

Our oldest daughter had chickenpox last year. I saw the bumps while changing her and knew there were 3 kids in her class who had it.
Exactly the same response
"Those bumps could be anything. Maybe it's just a rash. They will probably be gone by the morning"
Meanwhile I'm on my own finding someone to look after her or having to stay home from work, running to the pharmacy, because he's still in denial.
He'll think it's silly that I'm keeping her home from school (which is school policy), until she gets really ill and has a fever. And then he suddenly acts all surprised and say: who would have thought it was chickenpox!

But I do feel that he's a bit too much on the other end of the spectrum.

He's trying to counter your flapping by going the opposite way.

Okay, this is different (although again, if you're flapping around panicking then I can have some sympathy with him). it sounds like he takes the denial approach to parenting which can be very annoying. But I think the only way to deal with it is t be calm,, but firm, "DH, chickenpox means DC are at home for a minimum of 1 week. They may or may not feel vey ill. This looks very much like chickenpox. We now need to figure out childcare and other arrangements. Can you take work off next week?"

What he meant was "it's not my problem so I don't care. Shut up, woman. If it's lice, it's for you to deal with." Simple.

It’s a bit boy who cried wolf (not the lice, in general). If you go to to him with every problem and many of them turn out to not be a problem then it’s to be expected.

It’s a bit like when your DC come to you constantly and it’s often over nothing.

So talking to your husband about possibly having headlice and your child having chicken pox or a sickness bug too much, is it? Honestly some people must have really distant, non communicative relationships on here.

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people go to on this forum to blame the woman (hysterical, over reacting, over anxious etc) and excuse the man.
The OP told him she thought she had headlice. Instead of a normal, reasonable reaction like ‘let’s have a look, don’t worry we’ll sort it’, he told her she didn’t have headlice. The OP wouldn’t have needed to labour the point if he hadn’t shut her down from her first sentence. The OP says that it’s a common theme that he will shut her down and deny what she’s saying, but again this is the OP’s fault as she shouldn’t ‘go to him with all her problems’. It’s so bizarre.

It’s a bit boy who cried wolf (not the lice, in general). If you go to to him with every problem and many of them turn out to not be a problem then it’s to be expected.

That’s only true if the OP ‘go to him’ with issues and 95% of the time, the issue doesn’t exist.
I dint think it’s the case here.

and lol at going to him with every problem. I don’t know any woman who does that. Too used to get on with things and raise children with little input!

I feel like he takes this stance because you have a tendency to go all out - he's subconsciously trying to balance that out, but to you, it feels like dismissal.

I’ve been trying to understand why posters feel you’re over the top @Girlmom35 .
i think that’s because you insisted so much on proving that it was head lice, looking for pictures on Google etc….

The problem is that you’re reacting like this because your DH has been ignoring you so often (and you’ve been proven right) so you’re still trying to prove to him that he should believe you.
Youre hoping that by bringing facts and figures, he’ll work put you’re reliable and should be trusted.

But it’s not working.

A good thing from your OP is that he is able to change and learn.

A bad thing is that his attitude probably has the same root of him not doing anything in the house and expecting to be waited on.
He isn’t listening or taking any notice because he doesn’t feel he should. No amount of explaining or trying to use logic/facts to show you have a point will help. Because he doesn’t believe he should be involved. Only when the situation is so bad it stares at him in the face, will be recognise he has to step in.
Maybe your DH simply has improved lots but not as much as you think or hoped for 😢😢

Now I’m pretty sure the end result of the head lice stuff is that you’ve ended up dealing with it all in your own. Just like you did all the organising around chickenpox.
I don’t think the issue is him not taking to your word. Based on his history/background, I think it’s him not wanting to be involved and pushing to deal with it on your own.

And I’d deal with it the same way you’ve dealt with his initial lack of engagement as a father/partner. If it worked then, I’d hope it would work again!

I understand what you’re saying OP. If you’ve found what you think is headline you need someone to check your hair for you with a comb and properly looking for eggs - not just brush it and see what falls out. It makes you feel like there’s no point in asking him for help because he will belittle you and you end up doing it yourself anyway. In my house it’s a tactic for him to use because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to do any more than the bare minimum.

OP states she catastrophises all the time, I clearly said in my post I wasn’t referring to the lice. If someone constantly comes to me with everything is a disaster I’m eventually going to assume nothing is a disaster.

I don't think he sounds particularly helpful OP. I'd have said, 'I think I've got lice, can you check my hair?' If my husband said , 'why do you think that , that could be any bug , you probably haven't', instead of having a quick look I'd be pretty fed up especially with young children at schoolto bring them home. Unless you are asking the same thing over and over then I agree he's being awkward.

Based on the actual examples the OP has given though, that makes no sense. All the issues she’s gone to him with have been actual issues. Yes she might have ‘catastrophised’ the chicken pox, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an issue and didn’t need dealing with. I also suspect she catastrophises things because she knows she’ll be the one dealing with it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Yes, she literally says she does. My point, again, is a general one and not related to the lice.

You were overreacting about the bug/louse thing but I have a family member dismisses or questions every.single.assertion I make and its exhausting and bloody disrespectful so on that basis YANBU

So if it’s a general one, it’s based on things that you assume have happened and not what she’s said has happened? ‘Catastrophising’ means, for example, that she said ‘oh god the kids have got chicken pox, I’m going to have to take 2 weeks off work and my boss will be annoyed and I might get the sack’. That doesn’t mean that the chicken pox is actually a non issue though, does it? It still needs dealing with, so denying it’s an issue at all is just weird. And as I said, the catastrophising likely comes from the fact that she’s the one who will be responsible for dealing with the issue. But you say you don’t mean any of the actual specific examples she’s given, so what things are we assuming she catastrophises about?

He just doesn't want to know OP and he'd prefer you just do it all,quietly.

This is what it boils down to. His life is much easier if he just denies there’s a problem so someone else has to deal with it.

Why should he have to remind you? You are not a child

If there is an issue it can be dealt with without the dramatics

Literally everything. Take the lice as an example, I’m willing to bet something similar has happened and it wasn’t lice and that’s happened multiple times. It doesn’t literally have to be lice, it will be X means we’ve all got Y disease and they haven’t. It sounds like whenever there is any issue, she jumps straight from 0-100 (she also says she does that). Break it down, how many 100 level issues have you had in your life? It’s not that many I’m willing to bet (its a subjective point in fairness).

No I’m with you too! Yes, OP sounds anxious but surely being dismissive of someone’s anxiety isn’t the most effective way of dealing with it? That’s only going to lead to further anxiety and more breakdowns of communication.

See I can see both sides of this, my husband is a bit prone to jump to worse case scenario and it can be exhausting to respond to without it sometimes coming across as a bit blunt sometimes. Like if our dog is a bit stiff after a long walk it’s not “oh he looks a bit stiff doesn’t he” it’s immediately “he is obviously in pain, it could be hip dysplasia, he needs to go to the vets, he probably needs surgery, can we get the time off work to look after him while he recovers”- and actually after an hour long snooze the dog stands up and is perfectly fine. Or when I feel a bit under the weather or get a bit of a cough it’s not “oh I hope you’re not coming down with a cold”, it’s “oh God you’ve got a cough, I’ll go get some cold & flu tablets, what if it’s Covid, shall I go get you a Covid test, actually it could be bronchitis or pneumonia developing I think we best ring the GP, who’s going to watch the baby if you end up in hospital”- and the next morning of course I wake up absolutely fine! Of course there are probably better ways to communicate but when there’s some kind of crisis he is bringing constantly you do just end up not engaging with it and doing the “I’m sure it will be absolutely fine, don’t worry about it”.

(I love my husband so much, he is just a real worrier😂)

exactly this