Please can someone advise me

[Stixk]

Gah…

My beautiful Dad is undergoing treatment for cancer. He has recently had life saving surgery.
Husband works abroad for many months of the year. Three children.
He’s back for a bit. Not being supportive at all. I have significant and diagnosed mental illness.

He has a history of being emotionally abusive to me. Not at all the moment thankfully. Just very very self absorbed and selfish.

He is showing me the man he is and I am believing him.

Thinking of separation. Haven’t a clue what to do but I can’t go on like this. There is no fucks given on his part and I can’t be with someone like this. Even after 25 years of being with him.

Please can someone advise me. I’m drowning.

That sounds so tough. I hope you have other supportive people around. I wonder how long he is back for. If it’s not long, it might be worth watching and waiting, because your energy needs to be in your relationship with your Dad, and because if it can be avoided we shouldn’t make important decisions in times of great stress.
Have you asked him for support? Sometimes people need to be given very specific examples of things that would help. For you, it might be practical support with the house and children while you spend time with your Dad, for others a cuddle, or to be asked how he’s doing. Or , let’s go mad, all 3 !
I hope this doesn’t sound trite. I’m supporting someone who’s just lost a parent to cancer, and they have complained that their partner is unsupportive, To me the partner seems scared of getting it wrong, I’ve supported people in the past and look back and think I could have done better. But as yours has let you down before, you’ve probably called it right. In which case, don’t give him any headspace.

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t really have many other supportive people around to be honest. I am very guarded . I don’t work because of my Mental illness and so that isolates me even more.
My priority is my Dad and my Mum and my children. The nastiness and unpleasantness from
my husband I am desperately trying to put to one side. When I cry he says “ not again” , he leaves all housework/ cooking / cleaning/ shopping/ washing/ care of children to me/ school runs etc and taking my Dad to appointments daily.

He’s working from home/ pottering ( took himself to B and Q today because apparently he couldn’t bare to be around me) and so he disappeared for most of the day. He’s argumentative and nasty and going up to London for the day for a piss up on Saturday, leaving everything to
me . To say it’s galling is an understatement.

I am losing my mind. Living on Valium and barely coping. What do I do.

You make a plan and leave him. It might not be now given what you have going on but even starting to plan will probably help you feel like you're not just accepting his behaviour.

What is stopping you leaving. Is it financially, getting advice on what you would be likely to receive in a divorce and what benefits you would be entitled to will help here. How old are your children? What do they think about how their dad treats you? Do they want you to split up with him. Start asking yourself these questions.

I think it’s everything really but now I feel like I have reached a point where I don’t want to put up with it anymore. I’m not getting any younger and my children are growing up. I deserve better and it’s not fair for them more than anything.
My husband comes first in his mind; himself and then closely followed by his job. His self esteem comes from his wage packet yet I have no clue how much is even in the bank as this is all kept away from me.

I feel lost with it all. And gutted. I cannot imagine not supporting him should he be going through this again ( I supported him when his Mum was poorly and who sadly passed away) so surely he can see that. Except he can’t . And I said to him earlier that he is showing me the man that he is and I am believing him.
I tried to instigate a conversation with him now the children are at school but he’s locked me out of his office so yeah.
He will no doubt pack up a bag later and go to his Dads for the weekend- he’s going up London tomorrow anyway for a piss up.
Screw how I’m feeling. Or me caring for the kids alone again. Nope. Life is all about him.

it does sound like it’s over , and that it’s been a long time coming. Can you talk to your parents about it? They probably clocked him as a knob years ago. They may be pleased that you are getting ready to end it. How old are the children ?