Constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough

[spm20]

Since having my 14-month-old daughter, she has become my entire world. I love being a mum, but in the process, I feel like I've lost a part of myself. My focus is completely on her, and it’s all I want to do.
I recently returned to work full-time, and I’m struggling to give my all to my career because I’m constantly dealing with mum guilt. I feel like I’m failing both as a mum and at work, even though I know these thoughts aren't completely rational. I’m just having a hard time finding balance and adjusting to life as a working mum.
Because my daughter has become my main focus, I’ve unintentionally neglected my husband. I’m not as affectionate or interested in being intimate anymore. I’ve been telling him for months that I don’t feel like myself, and my mind is always on our daughter, so I’ve lost that desire. We also bed-share, which adds to the distance.
After having a drink, I told my husband that I feel like we’ve lost our spark. He took it personally, and feels like a fool for always trying to be affectionate with. I now I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible worker, and a terrible mum. We argued about it and haven't spoken since. A few weeks ago I tried to organise a date night with my husband and, my mum was going to babysit but I fell ill and we had to cancel. We haven’t had a chance to reschedule as we have been busy every weekend since.
Am I wrong for saying we’ve lost our spark and is this normal 14 months after having a baby?
Already posted on AIBU but the post wasn't showing so reposting as maybe more appropriate for this section.

I think it’s normal when you’re working full time, then come home to child/house. Where do you have time to relax and be yourself.
Can you look at going PT?
Can you book a regular thing just for you, like an exercise class once a week while he puts the little one to bed?
Then rearrange that night out.
Are you eating well and drinking water?

A lot of what you’re feeling is normal with regard to being very stretched and like you’re always letting someone down. A lot of that is in your head but pretty normal to feel I think because you’re juggling a lot. I just worked 4 days a week when DCs were really little and I valued that extra day. Many of my colleagues with younger children do 3 or 4 days a week rather than 5 - is that possible for you?

I do think you were wrong to tell your DH that you thought you’d lost your spark because what you’re describing is about your situation, not about him. It’s really important to understand that. Expecting to feel deeply romantic about each other right now is unrealistic - or perhaps learn to see the romance in the mundane and in the fact that you’re going through this experience together and making a family between you. But probably most couples at your stage of parenting do not feel particularly sparky vis-a-vis each other. It’s not a reflection on how your relationship will be long term and it’s a mistake to see it that way. But we all say the wrong thing from time to time so you should be able to move beyond it.

All that said, assuming your relationship is overall a good one, it’s important to keep it ticking over. Reschedule the date night as soon as possible and try to ensure you manage a date night once a month or so. Your DD also benefits from you and your DH maintaining a good relationship. It might just feel like an additional chore right now but it’s an investment in your family’s future.

I have a DD of a similar age to yours and I strongly relate.

I went back to work a lot earlier though so have had more time to get my head round it.

The biggest difference for me has been condensing my work hours to work a 4-day week. I started doing this about 2 months ago and what a positive thing it has been! I now have one day to fully focus on DD, take her to extended family or do lovely activities just me and her. I refuse to let housework etc intrude on that day except the basics and make it more focused on going out. It has hugely helped me to feel connected to DD. Also it has helped me to feel less guilty about scheduling the odd bit of babysitting during evenings or weekends so that I can do more just me and DH, which has been good for our relationship.

I wish you loads of luck with getting through this - what you describe seems really normal and understandable to me. I'm sure you're not terrible in any of the areas you mention but no wonder you feel that way given all the directions you are being pulled in. I would just add that whilst your DH's reaction to your honesty sounds a bit harsh (you were just being honest!), I can see why he might be upset and feel defensive and insecure as a result of learning this. Hopefully you can agree a way forward together. I get why you are so focused on your DD but I think you do need to actively work to try to make more space for DH too in your thoughts as otherwise this marriage could become quite a lonely one for him.

Thank you all for responding.

Reading your replies has made me consider that I was wrong for using the term "lost our spark". I want to feel connected with my husband again in terms of intimacy but, he pushes me away when he doesn't communicate with me and makes me feel at fault for everything.

I would really like to go part time but I am also studying alongside work and have my final year which I need to complete before I can consider going part time.

It's reassuring to read that others have been in the same boat and it does give me hope that maybe we can also get through this.