Husband said he is introvert when it comes to sex?

[polihz]

Hi everyone!

My husband doesn’t feel like having sex often.. when I initiate it he doesn’t get hard enough, sometimes not hard at all. I feel he has to skip foreplay before it goes soft… one day we were at a bar, I was getting drunk and felt like going back to our hotel room to have some sex, I told him and he reacted very weird, he first didn’t say anything at all, then I questioned him, then he said I was ruining the night by asking that, as if telling him I want him is something that he doesn’t like to hear… he even called me dramatic for being sad. Few days later I asked him why he reacted like that, he said it was bc he is an introvert guy and felt pressured to have sex.

What do you guys think? I get so frustrated. He is health and has 36 yo. We have been married for 4 years.
thank you!

Has this developed recently or has he always been like this? He's got ED and is obviously embarrassed. There could be lots of reasons such as alcohol, stress and medical problems.

I would start with a GP appointment if he's willing to do something about it. If not then resign yourself to a very unsatisfactory sex life.

Asexual? Gay? Erectile dysfunction? Performance anxiety? It depends on what preceded this. We need more context before we can advise.

Is this a new thing for him or has he always been a bit like this? Maybe he just has a very low sex drive. I think sometimes we assume men should/are always up for sex at the drop of a hat and that's just not the case for many of them.

But if this was a new development after being together many years I would be concerned.

How was it in the beginning? How many relationships has he had before you?

My first thought is he's gay.

My first thought is he's gay.

Not necessarily. Gay men in my friendship group are not interested in sex with women.

More like a deep-seated childhood situation. Ask if he will do therapy about it.

If not, well, there's your answer. He doesn't want to deal with it. Up to you how you want your life going forward.

Thank you for replying!

He has always been like that actually… Few years ago we spent around 6 months without having sex…but he said it was bc he was very busy at work.. One day he said he could have performance anxiety too, which is so hard to deal with.

I sent him to check his testosterone and everything looks good… He hasn't been very open about therapy, but I'm going to try again.

Thank you for answering!

it has always been like this u know… one day he actually said he could have performance anxiety… I suggested therapy but he wasn’t very open for it.. I might try again. It is just difficult to understand how he can have perfomance anxiety when we have known each other for 4 years 😅

I wouldn't have married him but it's a bit late for that.

As others have said, has he always been like this or is it a recent development? He's allowed to not be a very sexual person, but if that makes you unhappy then there isn't really a solution other than leaving, living with it, or opening your marriage. You can't force someone to be sexual who just isn't (and the idea that a man who isn't that into sex must be gay is reductive and embarrassing and I hate how often I see it on this website - are all the women who don't have sex with their husbands on that "when did you give up on sex" thread lesbians by default now?)

Anyway, you need to find out I suppose if there's an actual problem (ED, low T, weird fetish etc) or if he's just not a terribly sexual person. That'd be step one.

Thank you for replying!

It's always been like this, but it seems like it gets worse sometimes.

that is something that I have been thinking about lately… we do assume men should always be up for it.. and since we are from different nationalities it might have an impact as well… I also think it could be ED, but he denies. He goes to the doctor and doesn’t explain the real situation, I just feel like going with him and talking to the doctor myself 😅

Thank you for replying!

he had two serious relationships before me.
in general, it has always been like this… we spend 6 months without having sex few years ago… sometimes it gets better…

I think if his emotional is not good he doesn’t feel for it, one day I was going to travel and spend 1 month away (to visit my family in another country and for a surgery) and he didn’t want to have intimacy the day before… I am feeling weird now haha

Thank you for replying!

I have considered divorce, also bc he is just so introvert… about not even getting married in the first place, well, I realized the problem way too late 😬

i am trying my best to fix whatever it is and get him to fix it too.. but he is too busy working all the time

Unfortunately if he has no interest in fixing it, you can't fix it alone. You both have to be willing to put the work in.

Does he know how unhappy it's making you? Is he aware that it's made you consider divorce? He very well might be just sticking his head in the sand and hoping you'll just put up and shut up.

OP you're banging your head against a brick wall and it seems to be you who is making all the effort here. He obviously can't be bothered.

If he's always been like this then he's unlikely to change. I would stop pressuring him to change and think about how you want to proceed.

Very rarely will it ever get better. It tends to go downhill until comes to a complete stop.

If you take penetration out of the equation - is he happy to pleasure you?

Blimey! Maybe we're getting more like Japan where lots of people aren't interested in sex. I am too embarrassed to say more but I'm older that I ever expected to be and still quite keen.

Is he religious? Can he hear a previous grown up preaching he is being bad? Does he masturbate?
What are his family like?
My ex mil told us we were never to let our ds's be without a nappy or they would get sexual feelings. Dh was as batshit.
She was a strict Catholic..
If that includes drinking at the local social club every week end...

I had a DH like this. He was also abusive which didn't help anything. But he used almost the same phrasing that yours does "I'm shy about sex". I believed him. I tried to reassure him, build him up so he felt more comfortable. I posted on here. I posted elsewhere.

And here's the shortcut for you: do you want to live with this level of sex until the end of your life? If yes, stay. If no and he's not PROACTIVELY, INDEPENDENT OF YOU trying to solve the problem or at least make sure you're very, etc satisfied in bed, leave.

The issue is either he has a problem, or he doesn't and you're mismatched. Don't waste your time and energy trying to fix this. You're still young. In 10 years, you'll be ground down and picking yourself back up if you divorce then will be MUCH harder.

Accept it and him as is, or leave. There are no other healthy options.

See all of this is besides the point. There could be thousands of reasons. None of them are on OP to figure out. He's a grown man, who can take responsibility for getting himself therapy to dig into the underlying reasons, if he wants, or not. OP isn't his second brain. She's not his mother.

Turn it around: do you think he's online asking anonymously why he doesn't want sex with his wife? Is he asking for possible reasons and possible solutions in order to help him figure it out??

Yeah, we all know he's not.