Dating Failure

[DownIntheDumpingGround]

Feeling really rubbish tonight.
I'm 4 years post divorce, it was a particularly nasty one which has left me raising my children alone. I've had no relationship and almoat zero intimacy (other than two brief interactions Im ashamed about). It has been 4 years of pretending I'm fine being alone to everyone around me who keep asking why Im still single when actually I feel like a huge failure, unlovable and ashamed.
Online dating is reasonable for me, I'm middle ground attractive, but attract the wrong types and I'm aware I'm vulnerable so don't take things far.
I finally met someone online that I liked and we seemed a good match on every front. After a coffee, I felt positive and he asked about meeting a second time and then I didn't hear from him again.
I live in a small community so know he is single - Im just not worth a second date. What's wrong with me and how can I fix it?
I know I'm going to end up alone after five raised my children and after four years feel utterly desolate and it must be me.
Any advice please on how to come to terms with this?

1. Hitachi Magic Wand.
2. Remind yourself why you left your ex.
3. Take The Freedom Programme because you need good boundaries and a working arsehole radar before you date again.

Oh OP, sounds like your self esteem is at an all time low and you could do with some time away from dating to grow to love yourself again.

Have you considered some counselling to try and move past the self loathing / self criticism?

Online dating is hard enough at the best of times. It's brutal. Even worse if you're feeling vulnerable already

How long ago was this date? Why don't you phone him up and invite him out to a local event/grab a lunch or coffee? I would if I liked him.

Thank you.

I've been on 3 dates in 4 years as aware I'm vulnerable, but if I'm not ready after all this time then it has become obvious I never will be.
My life hasn't turned out how I thought, and find myself in mid 40s as a lone parent with no prospects of intimacy, love or companionship. It is hard to come to terms with and all the counselling and support can't change the reality of it...tonight after ignoring it for so long am feeling utterly worthless

Hi Twinkly....I messaged him to say I wasnt sure if there was a spark, he agreed there wasn't a spark and wished me well. Pleasant enough but....ouch.

You've spiralled and generalised after one guy who possibly ghosted you.

I'm early mid 40s and been single 12 years and feel super positive about meeting someone. Its 100% all mindset. (And not just relying on apps). Have a look at what core beliefs are behind your thoughts.

Adding a man to your life when you feel like shit won't make you feel less like shit for long. Is it fair to try to make someone else your source of happiness like that?

Get a hobby, something where you feel like you've achieved something.

I’ve been divorced 8 years and single for 5 after a 2 year rebound relationship ended and I have fully embraced my single life. I’ve made a real effort to make friends and find an active social life.

Yes I do miss the intimacy however I would only give up my single status (and not my lifestyle) for a man who enhances what I’ve already got.

It is about working on your mindset and embracing your single life rather than seeing not being with a man as a failure.

What? So, he asked you out again and your reply is the polite way of saying “I’m not attracted to you.” What did you expect him to say? Of course he is going to agree and then move on. He’s already a bit embarrassed at asking you out and being rejected so he politely agreed that there was nothing there and left it at that.

If you wanted to see him then why did you say that?

What are you upset about here?

What makes you vulnerable? Why do you think you’d be vulnerable in a new relationship and what are your concerns?

If you’ve got reasons to feel that you’ll find it difficult to maintain a relationship with boundaries and stand up for yourself etc, then you should try therapy and the freedom programme. And don’t date until you’ve done that.

@Ivehearditbothways yes you're right - hadn't heard from him for a week afterwards which is a clear message, I wanted to get in touch but pride meant I gave a mixed message. Doesn't take away from the fact that he would have contacted me if he wanted to meet again so think that despite my odd positioning the answer was an honest one, that he didn't see a spark.

Vulnerable as I don't want to be blindsided and for my children to ever be in that type of household again. If you don't see it coming with a loving husband then you don't have a chance of seeing it coming with anyone. It is just luck.

But how does that make you vulnerable? I’m a single parent, and had a pretty shitty break up where we didn’t him for 5 years before he swanned back in and wanted to be a dad again. But I’m it vulnerable. I’m a confident adult, I know what I want, I know my boundaries, I won’t have a man anywhere near my kids (who are most almost teens now), I’m financially solvent… I’m a single mum who had a terrible break up but that doesn’t make you vulnerable.

Are you unwell in some way? In a very poor position which might make you move faster than you should for financial security? Do you struggle with holding your boundaries or standing up for yourself or anything like that?

I really think you need to reframe this for yourself. You’re not vulnerable. You’re free. You know your own mind, you’re independent. You have a full life with children and friends and a job (I’m assuming). Meeting a man will add to that, but only if it’s the right man. And you are in control of that, completely. So own it. You’re not some meek retiring desperate woman. You’re independent, you know what you want and you can go for it. You’ll have to wade through a whole load of really shitty men btw, but you have a date, and if you don’t click then you wish them well and don’t give them a second thought. You really do have to go through a lot to separate the wheat from the chaff, but that’s dating for you.

I was single 9 years before I even started dating. Then started dating and went through a lot of men in a couple of years because I wasn’t going to settle and 8 months ago I met the guy I’m with now and so far… it’s completely wonderful and he is amazing to me.

You’ll get there. But be confident.

I mean this kindly, but you sound a bit too fragile to be dating. Try to build up your own life, strength and confidence before you try to add someone else to the equation.

Don't rely on men to validate you, your worth isn't based on what they think.

The issue is with your mindset and that is your vulnerability. Your default is to put a man's bad behaviour down to something you've done. Annoyingly, many women do this. Ghosting for a week is bad form, shows he's of poor character so should be chucked in a pile of 'not good enough', along with most men via OLD to be fair. There will and should be a big pile as realistically it is looking for a needle in a haystack.

Your default is to put a man's bad behaviour down to something you've done.

This makes OP catnip to abusive men because they love a woman who blames herself for what a man has done to her.