Dating in your 30’s is soul destroying

[NewYorkNewYork24]

Been ghosted again for what feels like the millionth time. I just need a little rant, a little hand hold and someone to tell me it’s not me!

Split up with my soon to be exH around 18 months ago. Started dating again properly about 6 months ago. Using online dating apps.

Most men have 10 year old photos that look nothing like them anymore, just why?! It’s going to be pretty obvious when you meet up.

I’m pretty picky who I go on dates with, don’t just meet up with anyone, but I’ve been on a few dates with a free different men, never gets past the 2nd date, and these are dates that I’ve thought have gone pretty well, spent the whole time chatting & laughing. Either they just ghost you & block you on everything, say they just aren’t that in to you or just get dropped for the next women to come along!

It’s pretty soul destroying and kills your confidence. I’m just sat still dreaming I’ll meet me right when we lock eyes in the park when our dogs meet.

I think most men on these apps are just looking for easy shags. If they can't get a leg over by the 2nd date, they're gone. And good riddance, btw.

If I were you, I would get very serious about meeting men organically, in person.

Very optimistic @AlisonChains Just what OP needs to hear right now!!

One of my pet peeves about MN and almost every single saying thread is that one of the first responses is always to say that all the good men are taken etc etc.

Surely if there are nice females in their 30s/40s/50s who are divorced/always been single then there is the same chance of a man being in this position.

Or is every divorce down to poor behaviour by men and woman are always the lovely ones who have been treated badly by asshole ex husbands?

30s singles guys tend to be quite focused on their career and looking for someone who supports that. Quite hard to pin them down.

30s singles women tend to have quite high expectations as were used to being independent, looking for someone to be an equal with.

You can see the compatability issue 😂

Keep at it OP. I met my partner OLD a couple of years ago at 36. He’s the best human I know, they are out there, you only need to find one, when you do you’ll be relieved the rest were all so pants!

Can you start going out more? I'm single and used to use online dating a lot. It's crap. I gave up and decided I wanted to be single. I now go out for drinks/live music/dancing probably once every 1/2 weeks and often get approached by what seem like nice guys (I'm not gorgeous, just quite chatty and confident). So much more organic than online!

Also this isn't true, at all. I know lots of lovely single men in their 30s and 40s.

Wait until you're in your 40's. OLD is a numbers game unfortunately.

Multiple people that arranged to meet and bail at the last minute. Lots of ghosting. Men that match, but don't talk, or have no ability to hold a conversation.

I've tried real life. Met two people, both emotionally constipated.

I'm 46, look after myself, am a nice person, financially self sufficient, but I'm time poor due to 2 children. 5 years single. I'm not giving up, but it's bloody hard.

Hang on in there, I met DH on an app at the grand old age of 34! And I had some perfectly nice dates with other men before that. Hang on in there, it's not all bad! There are perfectly nice men in their 30s out there who are single and looking for all kinds of reasons. The key is weeding out the crappy ones quickly and not allowing them to live rent free in your head or to make you question your self worth

I have friends who met their partners in their 30s, there is hope and hopefully a few good guys left (according to PP 🤣)

Is there anywhere else you could meet a partner? Common hobby? Friends of friends parties / weddings etc

Im sorry you are having such a rough time, it doesn’t sound like much fun. Make sure you still go out for you and do fun things without dating. Otherwise this could be all consuming

I met my husband at 37 at a speed dating night. I found online dating didn't work for me. Even if I had a nice time it was unlikely I fancied them. It's just so hard to know if you'll fancy someone from a photo. I would try some in real life stuff to meet someone. Either specifically for dating or just hobbies. Fitness clubs like BMF are good for that kind of thing.

I think it is a tricky age because you are at that point where a lot of women wants to start having children and a lot of men are far too immature and scared to commit. You might already be doing it but if not it might be worth trying to find someone a few years older than you, like 5-7 years.

I have taken a break from dating after getting divorced a couple of years ago but at mid-40s-early 50s it's equally hard to meet someone, but for different reasons. There is soo much bagage (mine included), kids, divorces, exes, health, and it really gets in the way. It doesn't help that you get pickier by age but hopefully it means that when you do meet the right person it's someone you can actually stand for a long, long time.

This is absolutely right. With kindness, if you're approaching dating or life in general with the mindset that 'all men (of a certain age) are this' or equally 'all women are that', you're probably giving off an air of suspicion, guardedness and just general negativity that will be putting off potential partners.

@liverburd1 thanks, I do sometimes think maybe all the good ones are taken but then I like to think I’m a good one and single because I wasted a good 10 years (and best years) of my life on someone who wasn’t for me, and wish I’d of seen that sooner.

I volunteer where I meet lots of different people my own age. I get the dog out for lots of walks at the weekend to where there’s lots of people.

im not giving up and have hope I’ll find someone eventually, just feeling a bit down after a few rubbish men! And one I felt really excited about who was everything I wanted but didn’t want me.

@Snoken I’ve definitely got pickier, little things I usually would let slide is a big no these days. 10 years of putting up with stuff I shouldn’t has tightened my boundaries.

Also dating in my thirties and no, I don’t think the good ones are all gone. My standards are higher compared to dating in my 20s, I know what I do/don’t want and I won’t put up with any nonsense like I used to. So the pool is automatically smaller.

My problem also is that I have been single too long now and I have a very nice life as it is, so do I really want/need a man!? 🤣

This!

I went to a festival in a gorgeous dress. My goodness. The number of compliments and approaches I had. You need to go where people are who may be actively looking. Just be in that space and look approachable and like you are having fun and also notice when someone is making an effort to talk to you and reciprocate. It's so much more fun. If you have ever been brave enough to go to a good speed dating that can be a fab confidence boost although doesn't really result in dates. I try to go intermittently as it provides motivation.