Is this narcissistic behaviour?

[couldliterallysqueal]

My dp is sending me mad, and constantly is making me feel as if I'm in the wrong over arguments he starts!!!

This is how it goes,

Dp starts an argument - I react to the situation by sticking up for myself and take no shit from him - he calls me nasty and rude for sticking up for myself - suddenly the argument turns to how I reacted when he started an argument and not him actually starting it - he is then sat crying his eyes out and asks me do I still love him - I try explain that HE started the argument and he can't take that I stick up for myself

I make him leave the house after all this because I get a headache going in circles with him - this then results in messages like "I love you so much I'm sorry, wish I was good enough for you" over arguments HE starts!!! Sends me mad...

He also threatens suicide often when this happens.

I'm at my wits end with him

He basically starts an argument and then plays victim, everything is turned around on me as if I started it

I’s hard to say if you’re dealing with a narcissist or just an ar5ehole—most ar5eholes aren’t narcissists, but all narcissists are ar5eholes. The term "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days, similar to how "bipolar" has been misused. So much that its common to mislabel someone we've had a bad dealing with or a politician we don't like, a narcissist. When what's much more likely is that they're an a*hole. What really matters is that you sound unhappy. It might be time to consider getting this man out of your life for your own well-being!

It doesn't matter what you label it, it's really irrelevant what you call it. It's how it makes you feel that is important.

Is this relationship working for you as it is? Do you feel there is any chance of improvement to a level where you would enjoy being in it?

Only you know the answers to this, and you can decide what you do about it. Calling it narcissistic behaviour doesn't really help.

Just stop dating the loser.

Honestly a partnership is supposed to make your life better, warmer. To bring out the best in you.

This guy is a walking mess.

And threatening suicide is typical npd bullshit yes.

But regardless, who cares what it is. Point is he's an arsehole. It's OK to br single! Don't date wankers.

Get him gone. And if he threatens suicide once he's out, (which ideally you'll never see as he's blocked on everything) simply don't reply, but call the non emergency police line and log it. They can decide what to do. And if they send an ambulance and he's deemed to be wasting their time, hopefully he won't pull that shit with anyone else in future.

You only get one life you know.

He sounds very unstable. I would knock it on the head, I'm not sure how diagnosing him helps.

he calls me nasty and rude for sticking up for myself - suddenly the argument turns to how I reacted when he started an argument and not him actually starting it - he is then sat crying his eyes out and asks me do I still love him

Have you heard of DARVO? It stands for deny, attack, reverse victim & offender. It's a common tactic used by abusers to make you feel that anything they do to you is your fault.

Narcissist or not (and no one can diagnose that for you in an online forum), this is not a healthy relationship for you.

He sounds awful :(

I'd ditch him and find a nicer man.

Have you got children with this bloke? If not, don't. Dump him, he sounds pathetic and manipulative. You'll have this crap forever more if you stay in this relationship.

Sounds like my ex. Yes it's narcissistic. If I could warn every woman to steer clear of him I would, but he just can't be alone. OP this is your gut instinct telling you something is very wrong.

Good on you for sticking up for yourself, but does anything actually change? Or are your needs getting brushed under the carpet, conditioning you to drop your standards lower and lower for a quiet life.

Pay attention; you know where this is going and it's not in your favour.

That's not narcissism.

That is some sort of manipulation though, doesn't sound healthy. He sounds very insecure

That's some proper blameshifting you've got going on there.

All narcissists blameshift, but not all blameshifters are narcs

Red flag though

Get rid of him and never communicate with him again. His threats of suicide are nothing but pure manipulation.

The fact he is emotional and apologising makes me think he’s not necessarily a narcissist, and just a drama Queen and a bit of an arse. Narcissists start arguments that are usually designed to shame you - eg- false accusations, or designed to trigger insecurities, and then they escalate and escalate it until you are highly emotional, at which point it becomes all about your reaction. They don’t tend to back down or apologise, they keep escalating until YOU back down and apologise for being such an awful person, and until all you want is for it to end, so you don’t pull them up on their evil behaviour. They are also prone to stick to their false accusations/ insecurity making, by drawing on it again in the future, I call it “putting it in the bank”, for when it’s useful, because they know it works. They also put your emotional reactions in the bank, drawing on those things as though that is your natural personality, so they can reference it in future and so erode your self esteem and sense of who you truly are. The aim is to wear you down, and to stop you from calling out bad behaviour so they can treat you however they please, and also because they get a massive kick out of seeing you trying to defend yourself/ getting upset and angry. They might throw in a few trite lines like “I hate seeing you so upset” (lies) or “we will deal with thing better next time hopefully”, but rarely do they aknowledge wrong doing. Obviously there’s no cut and dried narcissistic process, but they do tend to follow the same patterns. Judging by your description he just sounds like a head case and drama Queen. The affect on you is obviously negative. I’m not sure if he’s doing it deliberately, it sounds like he’s just an argumentative person. However, it doesn’t matter if the label “narcissist” applies to him, it matter how you feel, and the damage it is doing to your bond, and so you have to decide if he can change these behaviours or if it’s time to call it quits. It is also relevant what he is starting the arguments about! There is little context there so it’s hard to tel whether his initial upset with you is or is not a reasonable reaction.

Look up covert narcissism. You don't need to worry about the label so much (for those who don't like hearing it; if you'd been there you'd know it's very real and not all that uncommon for some). The behaviour certainly seems to fit.

There's a great book (on Amazon) called the Dominator which was developed as part of the Freedom Program. You'll find him in there. I think it's "The Victim" but whatever, you're not wrong. Google the free .pdf of "why does he do that" too. It's a big book, but everyone should read it!

Every post I see in here that has a title like yours, I know the answer before I read the post. You deserve better. Get away, and I say this with kindness; work out how you can improve your self worth.

I think the term narcissistic gets overused, but it sounds unhealthy at best and emotionally abusive at worst.

My ex used to do similar, turn the blame onto me in any disagreement, completely deflect from himself, and make everything about how I reacted and how awful I was for it, regardless of what he'd done to make me react or how proportionate my reaction actually was.

It put him in a position of power and control over me in any disagreement and it really, really messed with my head and self esteem after a while. It's a very large part of the reason why I'm now divorcing him.

I agree with PP who says you should listen to your gut. I ignored mine for a long time.

Look up reactive abuse

He is gaslighting you. He's manipulative, emotionally abusive and yes it seems like he has narcissistic tendencies.
Things will never ever improve. The sooner you leave, the less emotionally/mentally damaged this relationship will leave you...

Narcissists start arguments that are usually designed to shame you - eg- false accusations, or designed to trigger insecurities, and then they escalate and escalate it until you are highly emotional, at which point it becomes all about your reaction. They don’t tend to back down or apologise, they keep escalating until YOU back down and apologise for being such an awful person, and until all you want is for it to end, so you don’t pull them up on their evil behaviour.

I disagree with this. I think that arguments started by narcissists are not "designed to shame" or "designed to trigger insecurities in" the other person, but they are intended to restore the narcissist to feeling "in control".

The narcissist may be feeling they are not getting enough attention, they are not getting enough praise, they are not feeling good about themselves, they may feel they have fucked up in some small or large way and they are scared the other person looks down on them or is losing interest in them, they may be pissed off about something unrelated that happened to them and are lashing out at the other person for something unreasonable just so they can vent their anger.

In these situations, it's quite possible for the narcissist at some point of the argument to recognise that the other person is strong enough and making reasoned enough arguments that if they keep escalating the argument, abandonment is going to be the result. And abandonment is the ultimate loss of control. So in those situations, the narcissist will do a 180 and suddenly become abjectly sorry, vulnerable, a victim, agonised, suicidal, etc. They are still the centre of attention but now they are a figure of sorrow and regret, seeking sympathy and care. They have gotten the attention and affirmation and care and declarations of commitment that the argument was originally designed to elicit.

Whatever it is, don’t waste your time trying to unpick it. You MUST know this is wrong and you deserve a million times better.

Sure, it sounds like covert/vulnerable narcissist behaviour. But it's not really relevant except possibly helping you to articulate things in your own head. Ultimately, his behaviour is manipulative. He is ensuring he is in control because he never has to take responsibility for his actions. It's quite common for these sort of people to target women who are outwardly strong - it gives them another lever to pull in their endless quest to be the victim.

There's absolutely nothing at all that's like narcissistic behaviour in him from what you've described. Narcissists don't break down in tears and say they don't think they're good enough for or that they think you don't love them. A narcissist would do the opposite of that.

Initially it sounds like he's gaslighting you, but odd that he then gets so upset if he's deliberately caused it all. He does sound a emotionally unstable, and the behaviour possibly indicates bpd or bipolar.

How long have you been together, and has this always been an issue with him?

Everything a narcissist does it to be in control. Shaming, triggering insecurities, and changing someone’s sense of self, so the person attempts to either pacify or please the narcissist, all works towards that goal of total control.

I do however agree that not all narcissists escalate to the point of no (fake) sorrow, it depends how far the other person will allow it to go. If they are truly a narcissist they are not sorry for the issues they cause as they have created the issues in order to manipulate the other person in some way.

Genuine sorrow is not a narcissist trait, they generally always aim to stay on top and double down on the argument they started.

As for abandonment, they quite often create these situations when they are actually attempting to discard someone, and have someone else lined up, so sometimes abandonment works to their advantage. They know they can come back at a later date and draw the person back in, which sometimes serves their purpose if for example they have someone new lined up.

They don’t generally continue to pursue people who show themselves to have strong boundaries to abuse anyway. The problem is that they admire strength and like motivated, loving and empathetic people. People that will see the good in them, and even if they call them out on their abuse, will show deep loyalty to them. They prefer someone that they can escalate things with, without having to have accountability. That is their preference. Crying and sorrow is more in line with as someone said, an unstable personality type- like bpd, bipolar, or just a terrible communicator, maybe from a family of terrible communicator, selfish and abusive.

Genuine sorrow is not a narcissist trait, they generally always aim to stay on top.

Oh I quite agree. I think many narcissists understand intuitively that a display of sorrow can be a highly effective tool of manipulation, but it's certainly not genuine. This, I think, is why a lot of narcissistic displays of sorrow/regret, etc are quite over-the-top. They're performances put on to achieve a particular response (forgiveness, empathy, 'reconnection' etc), so the narcissist takes a "go big" approach.

In my experience, it's such an intense display that you can feel 'required' to provide a gracious response, even though internally you feel repelled by the abjectness of the grovelling, and would prefer to say, "Jesus, fuck off with your amateur dramatics". But of course that will be immediately seized on by the narcissist to turn you back into the villain.

Covert narcissists absolutely can break down in tears (crocodile tears) in order to further manipulate.

People with bpd may do so too though. Acting to push you away and then - punishing you for actually pushing back as they expected you to.

Often bpd and npd are co-morbid too. Think it was 1 in 5 people with borderline personality disorder are also narcissists.