Advice for dealing with husband who gets angry and rude over small things

[AnnieG1986]

I've previously posted about my husband's severe anxiety, which now seems to be greatly improved by medication. I'm now struggling with his (seemingly to me) excessive angry and frustrated reactions to small things. I'm unsure whether it's happening more often or whether I'm just noticing it more.

Examples include rage-like frustration / anger when (a) I didn't understand the plot of a sci-fi film even after asking him several times, (b) cooking parsnips the 'wrong' way (c) minor inconveniences such as a ticket machine not working, delayed train etc. He can be very rude and when I tell him it upsets me he usually gets very defensive, tells me it's in my head and that he doesn't understand what he's done to upset me. His tolerance for things not going to plan or that place undue demands on him is very low.

Other posters had previously suggested he may be on the spectrum and whilst I do not wish to make lazy assumptions this would seem to be indicative. He always emphasises that he is not angry at me and this is 100% not abuse as he is loving and loyal but it's starting to get me down and my friend mentioned that she observes me talking 'carefully' to him in a way that I don't do with others.

Any advice for how to handle these types of reactions?

Following OP because my partner can be like this and he IS on the spectrum...

I'd leave but barring that it's good advice that you can always 'choose your reaction ' ie' what else can I choose here'
It's a superpower 💐

I don’t mean to be dismissive but I would display rage-like levels of frustration if you repeatedly asked me the plot of a film we were watching.

Do your relationship a favour and ask Google instead.

Unsure if he is on the spectrum, might be worth encouraging him to get assessed?

My ex husband was… stroppy. Not angry, just very easily frustrated and almost petulant with it. No patience, and often quite rude. He was also depressed.

What I would say though, is that was never ever an excuse to go on the way he did, and eventually I got so fed up of walking on eggshells I just didn’t speak to him - and now he’s my ex husband.

Not saying that’s what you should do, but I do think you should have a frank conversation about how it’s effecting you, and tell him to get some support to change it.

I divorced mine.

It took me a long time of agonising over whether he was on the spectrum or abusive before I realised it didn’t matter

You are not his therapist and you do not have to put up with this behaviour, regardless of what underlies it.

I would suggest telling him that you are not accepting it any more and leave the room or walk away any time he does this

Fair enough, but any advice on how to cook parsnips to the way of his choosing and make sure machines always work? 😂

My husband is on the spectrum but is not like that. He’s gentle, reserved, and enjoys collecting coins and birdwatching and is the kind of nerdy bursting with knowledge dad I wanted to give my kids. My ex, who had OCD, was similar in some ways to what you describe. What I mean to convey is that there might be an underlying health issue or.... might not.

Maybe your personalities types bring out the worst in each other.

We can't diagnose him, and even our speculations on it will go in circles because none of us know him. If you think he may need help, have that convo with him.

Ignore?

I dont actually know but I would certainly ignore someone getting angry about things that cannot be changed like machines not working. I wouldn't care if it was anger at the machine or anger at me. I could not change that so why try.
The parsnips, well I would say cook them yourself if your so bothered.

But in the long run, I would not walk on eggshells ever, so I would leave.
I wouldnt talk particularly carefully to my life partner, I wouldn't expect him to change either, so it would be leaving as the only other option.

The film thing I can kind of understand the frustration from him if you have repeatedly asked and not understood.

The rest is absolutely abuse and he is gaslighting you by suggesting otherwise.

Honestly, leaving him is your safest strategy. However, if you are not ready for that step.perhaps look onto the freedom project or talk to your local women's aid for support for you and education for you on what that behaviour is.

My daughter's dad used to be like this - if we went to a restaurant he didn't like, say. The relationship ended. He has since apologised for the way he used to be - he said a "black mist descended" and he now sees how awful it must have been, and accorsing to him is different now he is on anxiety medication (though my daughter reckons he can still be like it).

Funnily enough, my present husband can also be like this at times, but is much much better since we had a big talk where we agreed on some things for both of us to work on. He has also improved since he stopped drinking - not that he was drunk all the time or anything, he only ever drank on some evenings and the moodiness could happen any time - but maybe alcohol stays in the system or impacts mood overall? I am only speculating...

He always emphasises that he is not angry at me and this is 100% not abuse

Rules. Rules about tone of voice, vocab and body language when he speaks to you. It does not matter if he is angry with you, or think it is not abuse. The fact is that he IS being abusive. And perhaps needs an ultimatum - deal with it, or it will be the end.

Nope.

Other posters had previously suggested he may be on the spectrum

I’m on the spectrum, it doesn’t give me permission to talk to people however I want.

It's worth noting that abusers can be loving and kind when it suits them. If they were horrible all the time, no one would stay.

Do you want to spend your life tiptoeing around someone? Anxious, unable to say certain things or have certain conversations...changing yourself to 'keep the peace' but never knowing what will set him off because he keeps changing the goalposts...

Sounds shit to me.
Life's too short to live with arseholes.

And people who love us, dont treat us this way anyway. Or at least, THEY seek help to change. But is he the one on here asking for help? No. Funny that, isn't it.

He's cool with treating you like shit. And making out you are overreacting instead if actually doing any self work himself. Fuck that. That's not a partner.

Any husband that displayed rage like frustration and anger toward me because I didn't cook the parsnips to his liking would find himself divorced.

Life is too short for this shit, honestly, it really is. There is another way. Find it.

It doesn't matter if he's autistic, he's rude and snappy to you and it makes you miserable, it's unacceptable

My DH has Asperger's/HFA (I'll get mocked because he's not diagnosed ) but he has it. (I suspect his DB and DM also have it to lesser extents)

My DH gets disproportionately angry and rageful at things that wouldn't even enter my radar. Driving is number one. Things like crowded places and people not walking as fast (as his ridiculously fast strides). He's literally blind to it. He can't see that actually he's the unreasonable one.

There is so much more in social and emotional difficulties but have only mentioned the above in relation to the original post.

I sympathise as it's soul destroying sometimes. I find it helps to not blame or use 'you' statements but rather things like "I find it upsetting when you do....xyz, can you try please to keep it calm in the car today so we can have a peaceful day". Mine does tend to listen to me s bit more these days as he has seen in the past how much things have upset/angered me, whereas when I first met him, he'd tell me how I feel!!! Example "you don't feel upset! There's no problem" 😣

I'm autistic and I'm not like that. His behaviour sounds like psychological abuse to me.

ExDP who is not autistic behaved like your DH, which is why I left him, with the support of my GP and Women's Aid.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Honestly, what does autism have to do with anything?

Genuine question

He sounds like an arse. You’d no doubt be much happier without having to interact/deal with his raging emotions!!

this is 100% not abuse as he is loving and loyal but it's starting to get me down and my friend mentioned that she observes me talking 'carefully' to him in a way that I don't do with others.

Abusive people can also be loving and loyal, it's why it's so hard to leave. The good times and positive side don't preclude there being abusive behaviours.

You're describing "walking on eggshells" with your guy, so whatever the label, it's unhealthy.

You can be on the spectrum and still be an arsehole.

It's not excuse to abuse someone.

I have AuADD as does my DD and although life can be frustrating we aren't abusive arses to people.

You don't need to excuse this behaviour and you don't have to tolerate it.

Can we please stop saying "on the spectrum" as if it's an excuse for shitty behaviour?

It's shitty behaviour, spectrum or otherwise.

@AnnieG1986 your solution is to leave.

He needs a stern talking to. Even if he's depressed or otherwise, it's not fair for you to be expected to share your life with his behaviour.