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Original poster

Relationship is crumbling-pregnant with second

10 replies

Crosswind22 · 11/09/2024 20:18

Guys I need some help about what to do. Since our last was born 2 years ago we've had a rocky relationship. We disagree on everything especially when it comes to parenting.

I don't want to be like he does everything wrong and I'm right because I know I'm being unreasonable too but I can't actually take it anymore. I can see he's slipping into depression and he also shuts down and won't talk to me about anything. It's just driving a wedge between us. Here's what 24 hours look like:
Wake up, one of us will have coffee in bed the other will get up with toddler then swap getting her ready and getting ourselves ready. Work.
Come home, I'll cook with toddler and he will sit in another room on phone. Eat dinner and one of us clean whilst the other does bedtime routine. More recently, I wash and go to bed, he stays up and comes to be hours later.

We have been like this for ages and even on weekends it's like when I'm parenting, he sees it as an opportunity to go off on his phone or something. It's getting really bad, we haven't spent any time alone together never mind as three of us together, yet we all live under one roof.

This pregnancy is kicking my ass with sickness and tiredness so recently he's had to do a lot more than normal maybe cleaning after dinner And bedtime routine, he gets visibally annoyed and up until recently I've always apologised if I think he's doing too much. I don't any more because I realised up until now I'd be doing so much and running on autopilot.

Anyway. I've given up trying to talk or make him want to spend time with me. Understandably if he's depressed I do want to help but he won't speak to anyone and I just want to leave now and give my baby's a happy life even if it means the house is a tip! Lol. I know enough to see every relationship has its rough patches but 2 years later with nothing resolved has just left me with no feelings.. I have spoken to him but he always blames either my period, my family visiting and now obviously my pregnancy... This isn't right!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/09/2024 07:29

Normally I’d think it’s pregnancy hormones etc and it’ll all be alright when baby is born and you’ve all settled into the new normal, but it’s never settled from your first pregnancy.
Can you afford to separate, would he leave?

Original poster
Crosswind22 · 12/09/2024 08:48

DustyLee123 · 12/09/2024 07:29

Normally I’d think it’s pregnancy hormones etc and it’ll all be alright when baby is born and you’ve all settled into the new normal, but it’s never settled from your first pregnancy.
Can you afford to separate, would he leave?

I mean money would be tight for a while and I know even if he is struggling with helping out so much, it would be much harder on my own.. But I'm feeling like I'd rather do it on my own than have someone around who is just hating the life we have.. I feel sad that he's finding it tough but he's going to end up resenting me and that's no way to live.. He wasn't too keen to have another kid but I was excited and now I'm not so excited because I can see he's not okay... This just isn't the way I imagined our life to be.. So miserable which is rubbing off on our little one..

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/09/2024 08:52

So sad that you’re all miserable when you should be excited about the new addition.

Cantabulous · 12/09/2024 09:00

Gosh this is really sad to read OP 😔. I feel sorry for all of you. You really need to have a proper conversation about what each of you wants in life and what is good for your DC. Cards on the table time.

Starlight1979 · 12/09/2024 09:03

Without wanting to ask the obvious (why on earth did you get pregnant again if your relationship is crumbling?!), I think your situation sounds miserable and not fair on your child and future child.

Personally I would make plans to leave / for him to leave whilst your child is still young enough to not really know any different...

FYI I was with someone for years with depression. It was horrible to be around at times and, as sympathetic and helpful as I tried to be, he never wanted to help himself and ultimately it became too much and I had to get out for my own sanity. You're not being selfish - you have to put yourself and your children first.

Original poster
Crosswind22 · 12/09/2024 12:39

Starlight1979 · 12/09/2024 09:03

Without wanting to ask the obvious (why on earth did you get pregnant again if your relationship is crumbling?!), I think your situation sounds miserable and not fair on your child and future child.

Personally I would make plans to leave / for him to leave whilst your child is still young enough to not really know any different...

FYI I was with someone for years with depression. It was horrible to be around at times and, as sympathetic and helpful as I tried to be, he never wanted to help himself and ultimately it became too much and I had to get out for my own sanity. You're not being selfish - you have to put yourself and your children first.

Yes obvious question to ask but medical reasons for not being able to take pill and wrong timings it just happened. I'll add over the two years we have come to solutions and seemed to be getting back on track but it's gone back full circle and seems worse than I remember... I was thinking of having a break, maybe he will realise and get some help.. If not then I'm a single parent which does scare me to be honest.

OP posts:
Snowdrops17 · 12/09/2024 12:49

What do you do together though ? That's not healthy you are almost living separately and switching the toddler between the two of you . Do you do things as a family even at weekends ?

Dery · 12/09/2024 12:53

I agree with @Snowdrops17 - it leapt out at me that you each keep handing your DC to the other. You need to do more things as a three.

Original poster
Crosswind22 · 12/09/2024 13:01

Yes we do things together as a family like days out or swimming etc over weekends but it doesn't feel like we are teaming up. It's like I plan something and he's like "whatever" or "I don't mind" and that really grinds on me because it's like he doesn't care so there's usually tension where I'm wondering if he's happy. Hopefully I'm making sense but I'm just so tired of it! I agree we need to more, all of us but we just can't get on the same page. I don't need to agree with everything obviously but it's usually not even up for discussion or else I feel like I'm forcing something. I mean if he doesn't want to do it, why not leave himself? Like he's not showing us in any way he wants to be part of the family or make future plans. I could say more but it's all sounding like too much of a mess.

OP posts:
Snowdrops17 · 12/09/2024 13:04

Crosswind22 · 12/09/2024 13:01

Yes we do things together as a family like days out or swimming etc over weekends but it doesn't feel like we are teaming up. It's like I plan something and he's like "whatever" or "I don't mind" and that really grinds on me because it's like he doesn't care so there's usually tension where I'm wondering if he's happy. Hopefully I'm making sense but I'm just so tired of it! I agree we need to more, all of us but we just can't get on the same page. I don't need to agree with everything obviously but it's usually not even up for discussion or else I feel like I'm forcing something. I mean if he doesn't want to do it, why not leave himself? Like he's not showing us in any way he wants to be part of the family or make future plans. I could say more but it's all sounding like too much of a mess.

I think you need to just point blank ask him if he wants to stay or not and if he does then you need to tell him things need to change

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