What can I do about neighbour? Is it worth calling social services?

[joannabanana18b]

Hi folks,
This will be long, but I don't want to drip feed and would really appreciate any insight or advice you lovely people can offer.

I have a neighbour, let's call her Kay. I've lived next door to her for over 10 years and she is 47. I'd classify her as a vulnerable adult.
She started off by asking me to help her with odd jobs- changing a lightbulb, setting up her tv etc. but she was always able to get down town (5 min walk) to lift whatever bits she might need.

Over the years she has become more reclusive and I believe Covid may have triggered this. She seems to have severe health anxiety and OCD. I haven't seen her outside her house in at least 2 years.

The biggest problem is- she's really annoying. I know that sounds terrible but hear me out.
During this time the requests have become more frequent and inconvenient.
She'll text or call me to ask if I have paracetamol/ bread/ kitchen roll etc. I often don't have these things in my home.
If I say so there's a big pathetic sigh...... followed by "you don't know where I could get some?"
If I offer to get what she needs when I'm in the shop for myself the request then turns into paracetamol needing to be in capsule form, not tablets.. or having to have a specific brand of bread because she has no front teeth. I've went to primark before to get vest tops and knickers for her and then been told they're "too scratchy".
The latest thing today was she got logged out of her itv player and didn't know how to log back in. I drove from my parents where I'm staying temporarily to help her. But when I come into her house she doesn't want me to set my keys down and I can see her cringing when I touch her remote (again, OCD).
It has resulted in a situation where I end up regretting offering to help in the first place.

She claims that she is in chronic pain and does appear to stand with a twist in her spine. She says this is the reason she can't leave the house as it's too painful to move around much. The doctors have told her there's nothing wrong with her but she is adamant.
She won't even leave the house to walk the 100 yards to her black bin. She smokes and is paranoid about a fire starting in her house so she tips the ash into doggy poop bags, ties them and throws them out the upstairs window. These then tend to collect around the pavement outside both of our front doors. There are regularly 5-10 of them lying around the ground. This is very frustrating for me as I have two large dogs (I'm the only dog owner in our street) and people obviously think it's poop that I'm not clearing up.

The thing is, whether or not this physical pain exists, she truly seems to believe that it does. Which makes her every bit as ill either way no?
She does get PIP but has told me she isn't entitled to any kind of home help. Social services have been out to speak with her in the past but have decided she does not need a social worker.

In the past year (maybe a little longer?) she has been having a private carer (we'll call her Bee) come in to help her around the house. I see her parked outside 2-3 times a week.
Today Kay told me that Bee clears out her bank account as soon as her benefits come in leaving her with nothing. She buys food that Kay can't or won't eat and then if she doesn't eat it Bee refuses to help her with anything else.
I honestly don't know if this is true or not- Kay has been known to stretch the truth & tell tall tales to me before.
However I did get a bad vibe about Bee once when I was in our local chippy and the owner started gossiping to me about Kay having recently attempted suicide. She revealed that Bee was the one who had told her and the general tone of the conversation was that Kay was a drama queen/ attention seeker.

I just don't know what to do about all this.
If what Kay says is true then this is definitely financial abuse of a vulnerable adult.
Kay says she doesn't want to get rid of Bee because then she will have zero help at all.
She says (heavily hinting) that all she needs is somebody to help her out with cleaning, take out her rubbish and do some shopping for her.
I am not willing to do this as I have trouble saying no/ drawing boundaries when I feel bad for somebody and it always turns into a give an inch and she takes a mile situation.

Maybe Kay's act is all one big manipulation?
But I can't help but feel that she truly believes she is unwell- what healthy person would voluntarily sit in a dark house with pretty much no outside contact for 2+ years?
At the very least I think her mental state should qualify her for some kind of help.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Is it worth reporting this to social services? They did nothing when they assessed her before. Maybe I'm being played for a fool? It would be great to hear some outside perspectives.
We plan to live in this house for another 5 years and start a family in the next year and I'm not going to have the time or energy to run around after another adult.
I just wish she could get some extra help from somewhere and leave us in peace.

If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading. If you have any advice I would love to hear it.

❤️

Definitely make a report to social services as it sounds as though she needs support and you aren’t in a position to know if the reports about her carer are true but social services can investigate. She may or may not accept their help and they will have to assess if she has capacity to make that decision.

Personally I would report this, the potential financial abuse especially. If it’s not true then that will all become obvious when it is looked into and there is no harm done, if it is true then she will receive the help she needs and the abuser will not be able to repeat this with another vulnerable person. I can’t see any real downside to reporting it, but can see a lot of potential problems if it goes unreported. Good luck x

You can't not report this. If there's the slightest chance that the carer is financially abusing your neighbour, it HAS to be reported. Now that you've been told, you have to pass it on to the authorities.

They won't be annoyed if it turns out to be a false accusation. They'll want to know.

Can the council and ask for the adult safeguarding department.

I agree with PP, I think you have to report it, otherwise I bet you will worry should you/ shouldn't you.

People like your neighbour fall through the gaps these days, there used to be services like day centres or informal drop ins for people with mild-moderate disabilities (I used to run one), but those services all lost their funding in austerity and now these people don't meet the threshold for anything and just get lost.

You should definitely report in case it's financial abuse, however being prepared for nothing to happen as if Kay has capacity and doesn't want it investigated, it probably won't go any further.

You have been told that financial abuse of a vulnerable adult is happening. Report to SS and police.

It is not your job to work out if it is true.

Also set boundaries around what you will and won't do for your neighbour, and enforce.

Contact safeguarding (part of social services) and report your concerns. They will follow up as Kay is a vulnerable adult.

Please don't just say social services 'did nothing' - you don't know this. She most likely declined help, or her needs were not eligible under the care act at the time. People with mental capacity have a right to say no, the right to make poor decisions etc.

First of all, well done, and thank you for helping her. It doesn't sound easy at all, and it's obviously time-consuming and draining, but you're doing a wonderful thing by helping someone who's vulnerable. She may be playing you for a fool, but from what you've said, she is suffering with ill mental health at the very least.

The hard things and paths in life are often the right things or paths that need to be done.

Please report your suspicions to adult safeguarding and social care. At worst you've wasted their time at best you've helped someone who is incapable of helping themselves. Which in the long term means hopefully means less of your time and energy.

These agency are there to help and to investigate things like this. You sound like a decent person and it's obvious that it's playing on your mind. They will tell you whether or not they will look it in to it.

To the gossips...just set them straight on her behalf or ignore it and don't get involved.

My parents' carer took money out of their bank account on the pretext of doing their shopping. It happens. Please report it.

Yikes. Kay is manipulative - a lot of people are, it’s a known survival strategy. Of us all, not just the vulnerable.

The most important thing is that you don’t ‘help’ any more or you’ll ruin your life for no benefit to Kay’s. Long term you’re doing her no favours either.

Slooowly learn how to say no. Kay won’t mind, she’ll move on to someone else.

Report the carer but explain you aren’t doing any caring services so they better replace her quickly. Ask SS to do a psych assessment while they’re at it,