What would you say?

[HorseyHorsham]

I knew someone quite well when she was in a very abusive relationship. We have had minimal but not zero contact for the last ten years since the relationship ended, partially through distance.
The relationship started when she was still with someone else- there was overlap, and he persuaded her that this allowed him to cheat on her and abuse her. He himself was also in a relationship at that time.

I know her ex much better and know that he only starts relationships with women who are already married/engaged/in serious relationships for the purpose of abusing them on this point.

She made a comment in a recent email about that time, but I want to say to her that his abuse was deliberate, and that this is his M.O. She was actually pretty blameless, she started a relationship in good faith. But he didn’t really.

Do you think I should mention it? Or continue to let he think she contributed to her own abuse.

That’s a lot for her to handle, but I do feel telling her might be the best option, although it will be a huge head fuck for her. Are you prepared that she might shoot the messenger? She may be annoyed you didn’t tell her at the time.

I don’t think I was so clear in knowing it was how we went about things. I certainly wasn’t aware of the level of cynicism on his behalf. Knew then he was a bit of a prick, but only later realized he was quite calculating in his abuse.

But I did encourage her to leave/help her out where I could.

Yes I think it would be the right thing to do to tell her. Do you know if she has been or is now in therapy? It would be really helpful for her to have a safe environment for her to discuss this new information with someone - and that can't be you, because you're the one giving the info.