If you are part of a blended family situation…

[Wishihadapeacefullife]

What did you decide to do in the following situation…

DP children live with mum & husband. DP bought a house to be close by once divorce was finalised. Children enjoy seeing friends when they stay with him EOW. Children 9-15.

We/I wish to move in together next year. I live 2 hours away from DP with my children who are teens and I don’t wish to uproot them to move to DP’s area.

DH wants to keep his house for EOW visitation but this will mean we can’t keep the mortgage on my property so I will have to sell and significantly downsize. I feel this is unfair. His children have maintained their lifestyle, larger house with Mum & SD, own rooms etc.

I understand his concerns that children won’t want to see him if he has to rent a property for the weekend to stay in their area. It is unlikely the children will want to come up to us 2 hrs away.

I’m curious what people have done in this situation. He always promised me he would move in with me next year, but now things are getting closer I can see him starting to have some reservations. Do most men in this situation move in with partner and rent out a property for the weekend to see the children? His salary isn’t massive so I can’t see how we could afford to run two houses, two sets of bills etc.

I think most decent men in this situation would stay local to their children surely.

So basically, you can't afford your mortgage unless he moves in?

It seems a big ask to move 2 hours away from his children..

His /yours wishes to move in together don't trump his current relationship with his dc...
Sadly ltr until they have left home.... Or you will be the bad guy.. To the dc.. And ultimately to him when resentment kicks in if you force a move..

My husband and I had a child each from previous relationship. When we moved in together we brought a house in the middle of where our kids live with other parents.

they were 5 and 7 when we first got together.

my son is now 11 and stepdaughter is 13 . As they go through teen years I expect they will be with us less as they want to see friends but I would personally never move far away

Op - it seems as a neutral outside here that the best solution would be you don't move in together until all the children grow up. save the huge money you would spend doing so and just enjoy your time together when you can.

Im an adult now but my dad moved a long way away when I was a teenager and it had a huge impact on me and our relationship

As they grow - like your teens they will want to be near their own friends, I stopped wanting to visit my dad completely in the teen years for this exact reason.

You seem to be focusing here on the impact on you - which is important! but - his children should come first in all the decision making for him.

You actually acknowledge the children won't want to visit 2 hoiurs away - and then you say you are furious at the thought of him keeping a home in their area!

He shouldn't be looking to move in this situation

Tricky situation but must be so reassuring that your partner wants to prioritise his children, so many men don’t. He would end up seeing them a lot less without a place so it is essential. Could you both downsize,

Why can’t you afford your house if he keeps his?

It looks to me as though you just shouldn't move in together then. I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to but his children come first and moving 2 hours away from them just to move in with you and your children is mightily unfair on both him and especially his kids.

I don't understand why you have to downsize, can you afford your current home or not?
In this situation I think you need to consider that neither of you are in a position to move and if you can continue the relationship long distance for many years.

How do you pay your mortgage now?

Some fathers do move miles away from their kids but they're generally not very good fathers and they don't tend to have good long term relationships with their children.
So it depends what his priority is really.
My relationship with my father is surface level and honestly of little interest to me. He's only interested now because its convenient, when I was a child it wasn't so he didn't make any effort.

He sounds like a good dad and you shouldn’t be asking him to move 2 hours away for you.

Either keep dating until all the kids are older or find someone closer.

Living together won't work. He barely sees his kids, so obviously shouldn't move 2 hours from them, and you can't afford your mortgage so will have to move to a place you can afford.

Similar situation but we don't have our own children yet

I wanted to live "in the sticks" but due to doing (proper) 50/50 childcare it wasn't practical to move too far, that would create more issues than benefits. So we comprised and live in semi sticks 😂 but still close enough for DH to be dropped off in reasonable time. When DH is an adult or more certainly can drive, we may re consider where we live. I think in your situation you either comprise on the location or you can't move it together yet.

Remember, there is no I in the team 😉 x

My DP and I lived 2 hours apart for nearly 10 years as neither of us were prepared to uproot our children. Now the children are all adults, we have lived together for a few years and we are getting married. The children are all good friends and regard themselves as step siblings. I honestly think that the reason they get on so well is that we put them first and they were never forced together. As adults, they are delighted we are finally tying the knot.

You just don’t move in together. It isn’t fair on either set of children.

I’m confused as to how you’re both paying mortgages at the moment but if he moves in with you then you’ll have to downsize. Surely you’ll actually be slightly better off with him contributing to your household expenses?

Just trying to understand your post
Your partner has children who he lives near and sees regularly
But
You want him to move two hours away , not see his kids often , sell his house so he can help you with the large mortgage you can’t afford to pay ?

He should stay near his children. You should stay put until yours finish school

Like others have said, how will him moving in mean you can longer afford your mortgage? How are you affording it now.

In terms of what would I do. Surely this is a no -brainer. Don't move in together. You cant can you without either one set of kids or both being uprooted and why would anyone do that to their dc when they can just wait till they've all left home.

Wait until they are grown up before you move in together. If they are teens now it's not that far off.

I wouldnt think much of my partner if he was contemplating moving 2 hours away from his children tbh. Children should come first till they are grown up.