Cheating scumbag gave me HPV - feel ruined

[littleorange]

Several year relationship with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and controlling. Occasional physical abuse. Was deeply unhappy, eventually ended the relationship after lots of horrible behaviour, gaslighting and found out about an affair (married colleague). He smashed up my flat on leaving, between crying and raging.

i have cut him off since then. No children, no friends in common (red flag!), no financial links. I struggle with constant thoughts about it. Incredibly angry. I feel like I am too old to ever find a decent man

now I have been diagnosed with hpv and have to go to colposcopy. (Definitely him no other partners in a decade). He didn’t even have the respect to use a condom whilst cheating. I hate he will get to live a happy life, people think he is a good guy in a responsible job. Evidentially he doesn’t struggle with women

i feel ruined. I probably will need invasive treatment, can’t bear the thought of dating or trusting anyone.

I have had counselling but nothing helps. I hate men so much, they do so much harm without consequence. And

Karma will come for him x

Sorry he cheated on you. Have you had a full STD check? If not I would recommend you do.

HPV is common and often your own immune system clears it within 2 years.

Do you smoke? This stops the immune system from clearing it.

Did you have the HPV vaccine?

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but for what it’s worth 80% of adults have HPV and there is absolutely no treatment or cure for it, it can cause cell changes in your cervix but the vast majority of the time these are minimal and go away on their own, also your body typically clears HPV on it’s own within 2 years. I had my Colposcopy last week and it’s absolutely fine, I have CIN3 cells so one of the worst and even then they are leaving it for 12 months so please try not to worry too much about that side of things x

Darling, sorry you are going through this.

While having HPV is not ideal , it is not something which can’t be teeated and most of the times it cleans within two years on its own. With regards to colposcopy I think all of us should do it regularly after a certain age anyway.
It’s not nice this happened but it has a solution.

Re men. There are good men and women out there. Some of us, driven by the way we have been raised and the role models we had as children, subconsciously choose problematic men.

Let this sad incident be the start of a new life. Get treatment (by the way 90% of the population catches HPV at some point), dump him and start some psychotherapy to understand yourself and your patterns. Build a new life and support network and start dating after one year.

Sending you digital hugs 🤗

There is no treatment for HPV :)

It cleans up on its own though

Do not worry OP, HPV is no big deal. It usually goes away on it's own - they will just monitor you to check. Most people get it at some stage:)

Whilst it probably is the case that he gave you it , HPV is one of those things that can stay in your system for decades and flare up or go undetected so unless you were a virgin before then you will never be sure . It's so so common , most women I know have been positive for it at some point .

Yes it does, hence no need for any treatment, invasive or otherwise. Just was clarifying as you mentioned “get treatment” and there really isn’t any so just to ensure OP knows that☺️

It’s also worth noting that even if a condom had been used, HPV can still be passed on. It’s really nothing to worry about and especially for men they would never know they had it as there is no test for them, even for women it would only be detected in a smear rather than an STI test

It's grim the way some men behave. I tend not to feel jealousy at all, seems a pointless emotion to me. Men who are disloyal are simply showing they are not good enough and are more likely to anger me from a safety and infection risk pov.
But you are far from ruined, hpv effects are easily treatable and its not all that invasive. Mostly the body's own immune system kicks it out after a couple of years - annoying though it is to have to wait for that to occur if being responsible.
Condoms don't protect very well against hpv, so worn or not, probably wouldn't have made much difference. There's a lot worse that you could of got, such as herpes, hiv etc. so it could be worse.
You will be monitored until you recover so its unlikely that you would get as far as developing cancer, and highly likely you won't have it in a while. Your life can only improve from here on, whereas he's stuck with himself and the older he gets, the wiser his partners will be hopefully too and kick him to the curb as soon as they realise his failings. He won't have a happy life going forward as an alcoholic, you will be able to though.

@littleorange it can take 15-20 years to develop into cancer! not necessarily him!

There’s nothing bad about having HPV and it certainly doesn’t ruin you. The majority of people have it and he may not even know he has it. It clears up on its own there is no treatment for it . I’d rather have HPV than hiv, chlamydia, herpes etc there’s worser things to get.

Thank you all for the messages, the hand holding means a lot.

I know about HPV, and yes at least it was not anything worse (already tested for other STIs) but I still have the worry, and invasive tests and possible treatment. That is shit. None of that happens to him. In fact, there was zero consequence to his behaviour.

It was 9 months ago and I guess I feel like I am back to square 1 emotionally

I wasn’t vaccinated as I am too old but I did pay for it since.

So sorry he has treated you so badly OP.

If he is an active alcoholic, I can assure you he is not happy. Even if he is currently functioning and putting on a good front - it's a front. Inside he will be angry, bitter and resentful - his treatment of you shows that. Nobody who is truly happy needs to mistreat others.

I hope your colposcopy proves reassuring and you take the time and support to heal from this horrible man 🙏🏻

I've had sex with two men in my entire life , I've got herpes , the partner never knew he had it , in the past he can remember something , but thought maybe caught it on a zipper , never had anything since.
Me not so lucky , get at least 6 - 8 a year mainly sacral ( around the bottom of my spine )

You'll have a smear once a year until its gone, then back to 3 yearly. During colposcopy, they might take biopsies which are usually painless. Sometimes taking the biopsies can be enough to stimulate the body into recognising there is something there and start fighting it. If the cells taken show early changes, just yearly smears. If they have altered further then cryotherapy or loop excision can get rid of them.
You really will be ok, whereas his health will be ruined in future, so he will get his comeuppance.

You haven't ruined your life, there is so much beauty in the world for you to enjoy. Whether you are single or partnered you can be happy.

It can also be frustrating to think that he will be happy and will find another woman easily - however you never know how his journey will end up. Being an abusive man, he probably hates himself deep down and he is NOT and will never be able to be happy. Whereas you can genuinely reach happiness because you aren't a terrible person.

Give yourself more time to heal. The more you focus on your own self and your own life, the less you will care about him. Lucky you had a clean break and no children or shared friends.

Sorry about the HPV too but PP have said it's not so serious!

You are out of an relationship with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and controlling man! and you have stayed clear of him for 9 months!

that”s something to celebrate!

ofc the wounds heal slowly but think of this, you could have waisted more years with this man, or your whole life, could have gotten worse stds, you could have had kids that would have shared your hell.

Take time to heal, find things to be grateful for, like all the above. Give yourself time and space to get better, you will. Do what you love, read a book, go for a walk. Try to pick up some hobbies, especially something that is physical like gardening.

you have a lot to be thankful for, though it might not seem so in your grief.

I am sorry you are feeling down about this OP. The bonus is you are shot of him, he does sound quite awful.

You could have picked up HPV from any relationship, but I do get how you want to focus your anger towards him. It is sort of like a kick while you are walking away.

I am sure the majority of female posters here have tested positive at some point, and as others said, there is a good chance it will just clear itself.

I have been single for 10 years now, and my last sexual encounter was more than 3 years ago. I just received a positive hpv test too, I will just have a recheck again next year. So it can hang around longer than the 2 years that posters upthread mentioned.

I dont know why you're blaming him. I have been with dh for 30odd years and hpv was detected last year on my smear. I havent been with anyone else in that time and i trust that dh hasnt either. It had cleared when I had my follow up smear this year.