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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I leave this abusive relationship?

5 replies

crossroadwhatdoido · 11/09/2024 10:50

What do I need to do, practically speaking, if I was to leave the relationship?
Background: Been together 10 years. We own a home together (tenants in common). Originally I'm from London but currently living in Midlands. We have no family nearby apart from his parents an hour away. Two children (3 yrs and 10 months) both with his surname, not that I'm upset about that but wondering how that would affect anything. I'm 34. He is mostly emotionally abusive, and can't handle me having any issues with him otherwise he punishes me or goes into a rage, and the other day he was particularly aggressive after I confronted him about something he's done to disrespect me, and he exploded and even poked me in the chest while shouting in my face. I am afraid of him. I told him this and said I want to leave. I have stopped talking to him, besides fundamental childcare stuff and the likes. Next month he is taking me away and proposing to me (ridiculous, I know). He is currently in the grovelling stage, buying me sorry gifts, and leaving me sorry notes, saying he knows he's got something wrong with him, his words were "has no patience" which I think is a mild summary. He knows he has done wrong but it's the same old cycle i'm not stupid. He has said he is prepared to do anything to not lose me. However, my kids have just started preschool/nursery. We both have ft jobs but wfh. He's been sleeping in the spare room but I don't think it will be long until he runs out of steam and demands I talk to him and I'm drained. I know what I should do. But how do I actually do it/where do I start? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 11/09/2024 10:52

Might be an idea if you can get a place in a refuge. I did and they were very supportive. Then you'll get on the council waiting list sooner.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/09/2024 11:11

Contact Women's Aid and they will guide you through the practicalities and support you emotionally.

For now collect any financial paperwork you can such as the annual mortgage statements and anything you have legally signed, his P60s or wage slips (for cms purposes). Keep all passports and birth certificates safe.

If you have joint savings then take half. If you have a joint current account then get your own, and get your wages and child benefit sent to it.

Start looking at rentals to see what is out there, for price and location, but be mentally prepared to move the children from their nursery.

If his name is on their birth certificates then he can refuse you taking them away on holidays etc, so he will have a certain degree of control there. Just having his name means nothing, its the bc that counts.

Either get a one off consultation with a solicitor or call CAB to find out the process of selling the house, and how to force a sale if he becomes "awkward". Either he buys you out, you buy him out, or it's sold and you split the equity.

Go on a benefits calculator to see if you will be eligible for extra help for living, rent or childcare costs.

ExpectantEs · 11/09/2024 11:29

I'm sorry you've been experiencing abuse from your partner. Try your hardest to stick with this decision and not get hoovered up by the gifts and the upcoming proposal. Poking you and shouting at you is not okay. Please contact Womens aid.

Also your children having his surname will affect things like travel but can be mitigated by carrying a birth certificate.

Howdull · 11/09/2024 11:31

You start by sorting out where you are going to live.

Go and see a mortgage broker to see how much you can borrow.

Once you know that, you'll be better informed to go forward.

crossroadwhatdoido · 12/09/2024 20:11

Thanks everyone

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