I'm stuck and can't break away

[Billandbenx]

I'm waking up everyday feeling a low depression. I'm anxious. I am angry at myself because I know I'm not doing the right thing and it's something that will and must happen at some stage. I've been trying for months now. I can't stick to it.

4 years ago I met a man who was slightly older. At first he seemed like he was going to be my final relationship. He just seemed great. Positive. Hard working. He at the time made various statements that implied he'd only had 2 relationships his whole life and was a really genuine nice person.

Alot Is in hindsight but he's chipped away at my self confidence. The first thing was he had a friendship with an ex. He was very clever how he worded things but gradually over the first 2 and a bit years I clicked on it was another toxic lie. Yes she was weirdly still speaking to him. But they were not just happy friends that fell out of love. She left him because he cheated alot. Drank alot and never paid any bills. He ruined sll holidays etc and trying to do anything with him was awkward apparently as he shut down. He does hold her on a pedestal. I have no clue to why but I'd say he was still concerned with her and what she is doing but as far as I know she met someone else and stopped talking to him 2 years ago... this could be a lie.

He's slowly chipped away at my finances and he has been on and out of work. He used to have big plans now he never speaks about the long term. He's always depressed. I know he takes substances to get high. He never does it around me. But I see all his mood swings and crashes and highs. I won't even visit his house anymore because everytime I went I saw things that didn't make sense and found myself looking for evidence of betrayal and drugs. I hate how he's made me.

He's put me down over the last 4 years about various things. He doesn't want to hear about my day or friends. He doesn't have any interest in anything. He says my job isn't a career. In the past he's tried to suggest I wear my hair up more as you can't see my face! He's given up saying that now. He went through a stage wanting me to wear clothing it appears his ex wore. He would say things to me like "wouldn't you ever have a day at a spa with a friend " or "why dont you get your nails done"

I've lost count of the amount of conversations we have had that he prefers natural women to then try get me to be more false looking.

The silent treatments, lies and denial. The using his mental health as an excuse to demy me a chance to communicate my fears. Everyone he speaks with is trouble. He's one of them.

Despite numerous discoveries of possible betrayal and a ton of warnings from others I have not fully managed to end it. I've done therapy, she was great but it is £65 a week and it became too expensive. I have started doing alot more alone. I spend time with other people more now and I go away on my own etc. I dont feel I love him. I know he sees it in me now as he's made comments and asked questions.

I find I try and end it but after around 24 hours I get a heavy anxious feeling. I feel lonely and guilty and want to share my day and I weaken..

I know how frustrating this reads but I'm stuck and I know I need some inspiration to stick to it. What if I never let go.

If you never let go this will be your life.

Only you can make the decision to end this relationship.

You already know this but you need to get out, this isn’t going to get better.

I’ve been where you are, my ex was amazing to start with, worshiped the ground I walked on. I truly loved him so much, but he had the most vile about bursts, lost count of how many times he called me a fat c*nt. Final straw was I found messages to his ex, I left him and even then tried to remain friends, obviously it didn’t work.

I met my now partner 7 months later and have been together 4 years, the most beautiful human who wouldn’t dream of calling me names/demeaning me in any way.

Thats out there for you, you could be so happy. Even if you stay single you could be so happy. You don’t deserve this shit, no one does. Imaging your life in 10 years time if you stay. The anxiety you feel when you’ve ended it is normal, it’s the unknown. Push through that and get to the life that’s waiting for you, which is so much better than this

Its like I've made the decision already. I want to be done. But I want to be a week in. There's been one or 2 times when I've made it right through to 24 hours. I find work days are the best days to do it. Then he will Contact me saying he needs something and he gives up and there no point In his life anymore.

I'm scared I'm creating stuff in my head. This week on 2 occasions he's stopped responding to me In the middle of the afternoon and both times he's lied and said at 3am he has just woken up. I know he's lying because his tele is logged into my netflix and bbc and it tells me when he's been using it.

I went and sat in the cemetery the other day as its quiet. I was trying to squeeze realisation into my brain. I already know what I think and see. I am disgusted and ashamed at myself for being in this situation too. But I went home and failed to out anything into place.

I am living a lie as nobody around me likes him none of them know I'm still with him. It's such a mess.

It’s much harder to do than say but change is always hard op and I think you have to try and accept the depression and fear and let it wash over you knowing that it will be temporary and it will open op new opportunities for a different kind of love once you can get through it.

Sometimes in life, the hardest things to do are the most worthwhile but we have to fight our natural inclination for staying with what we know however badly that makes us feel. We’ve all done it. Stayed too long. Hung on to relationships which were bad for us. You are going through the most painful bit right now but by writing your op, you have demonstrated clear insight that you know what you have to do op and you will!

Maybe make yourself a chart on the wall showing ninety days that you tick off and think to yourself that you expect to feel bad for that time but that you are going to make a clean break break no matter what and get through it.

Don’t do it alone, rally the support of family and friends in rl and don’t suffer in silence. Be open and let them help you.

You have made such a good start already doing more stuff on your own.

I think you are being far too self critical op as he is obviously a manipulator and an abuser and when you say “he has noticed” you drawing away, he is at the same time probably very subtly trying to draw you back in.

Please do not give him the opportunity to deceive you again. This relationship is never going to bring you peace or contentment.

That’s such a shame that you have had to stop therapy but could you continue the work on your own?

Maybe have a think about what the headlines of imaginary sessions could be then write out some exchanges. An obvious place to start would be looking at patterns of abusive relationships in your earlier life?

Progress is not linear, we sometimes have to take three steps forward and one step back to get where we are going, but the overall momentum is nevertheless still away from coercive control and abuse towards independence, freedom and new opportunities for kindness and love. You are already doing it op. Don’t give up!

Thank you. I watch Narc con on YouTube I find her very comforting and it helps. I journal aswel. I have one friend I turn to alot. I dont tell anyone else. That's a good idea with the chart and ticking it off.

I think I know this is common with his exes and victims as his ex clearly struggled to detach for several years after it ended. But I know of another lady he was involved with for 4 months. She said it took her 2 years after 4 months with him to cope and move on. She was on anti depressants. There's been another woman that he was messaging who ended up going abit nuts and rang him 26 times and he got a cousin to tell her off. She was likely distressed at a sudden disconnect. So I guess I'm going to struggle for some time. Although I have grieved and lost feelings over time.

His boss spoke to me last year. Told me he had made me out to be a sex obsessed stalker and told me how his ex treated him like a king and she fell out of love with him in his opinion because he kept rubbing Facebook in her face. He told me to get out of his world as he was going to drag me down. His cousin has recently asked me to phone the police and get a restraining order and leave him. I dont think I need to do that but it speaks volumes.

He sounds like a horrible human and every minute you stay with him he’s dragging you further down.

Honestly as hard as it feels being single is a million times preferable to living this miserable existence.

Only you can do this OP so make a decision to end it now and fight every urge to go back. Each time you go back you’re telling him it’s ok to treat you like shit because you’ll always return for more punishment. Please value yourself and close the door on this leech.